I'm so

so

SO

TIRED of playing "Counselor" to my bosses who complain and and bemoan
their horrible misfortunate fates. K. would return to the office
and sit - talking each day for hours - HOURS every single day to me
about his customers, his work, his personal life, his family,
everything. All the while I listened. Patiently and calmly.
Comforting and soothing. And honestly, its not that I minded - its
just that - well - if I was good enough to unload on and seek
constant, thorough and daily detailed pyschological support - wasn't I
good enough to respect? Or how about pay as much as his
"Electrician's Helper" who had zero experience and only a highschool
education? Surely i was worth at least as much as that! I did so
much for him. And now this guy wants me "To do 80% of his work." He
wants me to be responsible for nearly every aspect of his business and
to "Treat him like a child. Tape post-its to his collar and remind
him where to go." And how about when I would comfort K. (and now
the new Bossman) - sympathetic about their "desititue" and distressed
financial states? I shouldn't, but can't help but to compare our
situations:

Bossman: Multiple cars, 6 figure bank account, (I do his books) 4
story 5 bedroom home, Cape Cod vacation home, own business, high
earning CEO wife.... E T C

TO:

ME:
$50. (The sum total of my current resources which will have to pay
a phone bill, student loan, rent and food for the week.)

It really hit me the day while conversing with The Cutie's mother
about applying for school grants when I described my situation: no
property, no assets of any kind, no money and she exclaimed, "Oh yes -
you could get grants. You're POOR! !!"

And you know, I really hadn't thought about it like that before! I
guess I really am? I mean, what DO I have? A shelf of old clothes,
a box of books. That's it. That's what I have. Everything else is
hand to mouth - or The Cutie helping me.

And can I just tell you how discouraging it is to where the same
clothes 3+ times a week? I know it's materialistic of me, and it
shouldn't matter , but... it's just - ?

I'm tired of it. Tired.

I'm thinking about what Art school would be like lately. Is that
crazy? I've been walking past an art store everyday from the subway
to work, and it gets my wind wandering. Finally the other day I said,
"what the heck! I'll just go take a quick peek." And I did. And it
was SO INCREDIBLE. By far the coolest, most comprehensive art store
I've ever been in. It was so inspiring and exciting. And you know, I
find just being in New York City is very creatively inspiring.
Sometimes I'm like - "How'd I get here? Am I here? I can't believe
I'm suddenly here!" And I think about how this is supposed to be
like the creative center of the universe. And I'm here! I could do
anything really. This is the place to do it! So, why not do
something! Why not start? I could do almost anyting and be so
excited and happy: and art class, dance class, theater class, yoga
class, qi qong, ANYTHING! Everything's possible here! Why not? I
could audition for a film! Why not!?