I actually woke up and felt strangely awake today. How peculiar. In fact i've been doing unusually well for several days now. Is it the 5HTP? Is it not teaching anymore? Is it therapy? Is it just luck? Whoooo knows. 2nd day of "Moon Time." Went in to the office to help organize again. (Went yesterday too.) Feels so AWESOME totally revamping the place. Though often terribly daunting. At one point today it was necessary to stop, regroup, breathe deep and then take a quick drive to clear my mind. I had started feeling overwhelmed and then suddenly verrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrry sleepy. When I came back I felt renewed and dug-in with a renewed vengeance. Perhaps all that fatigue when working at Keith's office was a mental reaction from the stress and negative inner-critic and fear of his disapproval and anger. Interesting. I will continue working on learning how to tolerate feelings and working through them without giving up and resorting to my addiction: numbing with food. At the time today, I suddenly craved candy. But I noticed which was terrific progress. A learning experience. I remember growing up anytime I got mildly frustrated/irritated/bored with schoolwork, I'd head straight for the cupboards. If I felt really bad, I'd just eat into oblivion until I couldn't think or feel about anything else. That's when I really began gradually gaining weight, year after year. I might have been nice if someone was involved enough in my life to have noticed or cared and intervened or helped me, or really just SAW me at all. I've always felt so invisible.

I'm still carrying around my new purse. It feels so weird. So girly. Like playing make-believe as a little kid and tromping around in my Mom's giant heels and foofy hats.

Then had a group session with Judith then here to work for the night. Group went well I think. I talked too much at one point about Starbucks and irritated two group members. Boy did I feel stupid. I'm trying to be brave and keep talking though since I continue getting peculiar feedback that i'm too quiet. It's strange cuz it sure feels different to me. I guess my perception is off.

I also made the observation that moving beyond an eating disorder seems to be a very slow and gradual thing that just creeps up on you after laying a long and arduous foundation. Its not a matter of willpower, something you have to force upon yourself or use discipline or force (domination) to create. Instead, I think it will just naturally happen as your mind becomes steadily infilitrated with a new perspective, way of life, new tools, and belief in yourself that comes from reguarl validation of comembers and therapists. You work naturally and kindly with all the various aspects of yourself in a respectful, patient matter. (Dominion)