FUCK. I'm going to fucking cry... That's twice I wrote this stupid fucking journal entry and the power blinked off/on and I lost it all... The first time it was the most complete, longest free-write I've ever done... I'd say at least a good 4 pages or so on this past weekend's events... I had a lot I wanted to say and express.. Oh Fucking wellllll ::sigh::: VERY QUICK RECAP then... For the THIRD AND FINAL TIME:

FRIDAY: therapy with Carol, I talked about my embarrassment admitting that I might want to be in a relationship... I felt so ashamed, like "who does she think she is? What right does such a fat and ugly girl have to think someone might want her?!" carol seemed taken aback but its hard to be sure since I rarely can make eye contact with her when talking.... It was a gray and cloudy day.. Flash floods until 9pm, I think

Friday evening: saw the Tom Hanks flick with Greg, asshole of the ages.... He's beyond asshole status I'd say really.. I'm seriously reevaluating spending any more time with him, at ALL.... I don't know why he continues to invite me out when he seems to treat me with such tremendous disdain and plain nastiness... Like biting into apple and finding nasty gooey bitter brown stuff... HE'S SUCH A FUCKING ASSHOLE.... and it just makes me so mad sometimes

Saturday: went dancin (alone) at the club again... Met a man named Kalani, a kinda "off" man, a fun guy from Haiti that danced with me to some good lively island samba like music, and Mr African sticky fingers that wouldn't take no for an answer... I must have said DON'T, STOPIT, PLEASE DON'T, KNOCK IT OFF, DON'T DON'T DON'T.. I'd say at least a good 20 times before finally I got up and said "I'm oughta here" .. Why it took me so long is a good question, i guess the desire to be near someone, short of fucking,... but I like focusing on my unusual level of assertiveness... I don't think I've been as clear and straightforward in a similar-such compromising situation before.. It felt good... Real good. I hope to keep it going, and improving and maybe I'll be able to drop this protective shell of fat once and for all..... I'm sick of being fat..

good news though.. I don't think I really ate compulsively much at all the past couple days! coooool.... its exciting

I didn't get up until about 7am Sunday morning then crashed out until time for work at 7pm Sunday.... I grabbed a big salad at Down to Earth on the way...

At work, the 6 clients were in pretty good spirits and didn't give Rick and I much of a hard time at all... I love it when things are smooth and everyone's cool... It's makes it so much easier to come to work... Now things are major mellow, he's kickin back on the couch watching TV and munchin on a sandwich.. and well, I'm right here writing his friggin blog for the 3rd time after writing emails for a couple hours and checking my match.com winks.. heh heh..... i feel so desired and desirable all of sudden.. maybe i'm not the biggest loser on the planet afterall... i think i've suddenly promoted myself a couple notches on the scale of worthiness as a human being.. anyway, later gaters...

love and kisses,

indigo