Guess what? I weighed myself here and discovered i've lost 35 pounds. 35 pounds! I suspected i'd lost something, but whoa! That's alot! I'm pretty tickled since i haven't been "dieting" per se. More-so, it seems to be evidence that after years of hard work, my eating disorder has (dare i say?) difinitively subsided. Amazing. Shocking. Thrilling. Hard to believe. And i am SO grateful. So deeply awed and grateful.
Wow.
So, guess where i am? Out of state visiting the folks for 11 days! D bought the ticket. Pretty nice? No? I think so. This will be by far the longest stretch i will have seen them in over 10 years. I've been anxious; ie; nervous, but so far, its been remarkably smooth. There's been lots of activity (well, for my typically catatonic-self, not for a normal person, that is.) And there will be lots more of activity to come with visitng relatives, cooking and shopping and whatnot.
My folks have an incredible home on the water. Immaculate. And beautifully decorated. Huge open spaces with wood floors and persian carpets. Endless wide windows overlooking the sea. Lovely works of art; colored glass, figurines, rich jewel tonedTu rk ish wall hangings, gold leafed mirrors and exotic lamps. Its bright and spacious. Spotless. And just all around pleasant to be in. Far far far from the home i grew up in. (Dark and cramped. Clausterphopic and opressive.) Its like a dream home.
Dec 21, 2004
Dec 16, 2004
Relationships
This is an interesting article that speaks to me.
This article makes me shiver. Its difficult to (for sake of argument) to flip-flop my perspective to that of the "cheator's", if only for the sake of understanding. There's something about it that deeply disturbs me.
What do YOU think? I'm interested to know....
This article makes me shiver. Its difficult to (for sake of argument) to flip-flop my perspective to that of the "cheator's", if only for the sake of understanding. There's something about it that deeply disturbs me.
What do YOU think? I'm interested to know....
Dec 13, 2004
What I Like
peaches, peas on the pod,
laughing, holding hands, being touched
sparkling things: gems, glitter, sequins, crystal
deep luscious rich exotic colors, burguny, turquoise, pure snow white
Fluffy doggies, kittens, horses
sexy boots, scarves, bold jewlrey, funky vintage bohemian clothes
magic, mystery, romance
internet and surfing
music, dancing, composing, singing, rythm, tap dancing, indian dance, MIDI composition, guitar
long hair, art, painting, drawing, being girly and masculine,
tall men, loving people, sensitivity, kindness, warmth
strong woman, political activism, believing and working for a cause, truth, honesty, openness and communication
snow, falling leaves
random smiles from strangers
warm lattes, eggnog
losing weight from hard emotional work and effort
"that look" - when i catch d staring at me at me and smiling
writing (here)
the theater
Alias,
etc & to be continued
laughing, holding hands, being touched
sparkling things: gems, glitter, sequins, crystal
deep luscious rich exotic colors, burguny, turquoise, pure snow white
Fluffy doggies, kittens, horses
sexy boots, scarves, bold jewlrey, funky vintage bohemian clothes
magic, mystery, romance
internet and surfing
music, dancing, composing, singing, rythm, tap dancing, indian dance, MIDI composition, guitar
long hair, art, painting, drawing, being girly and masculine,
tall men, loving people, sensitivity, kindness, warmth
strong woman, political activism, believing and working for a cause, truth, honesty, openness and communication
snow, falling leaves
random smiles from strangers
warm lattes, eggnog
losing weight from hard emotional work and effort
"that look" - when i catch d staring at me at me and smiling
writing (here)
the theater
Alias,
etc & to be continued
Dec 10, 2004
Update
Arg.
Sorry.
Didn't mean to worry anyone. The comments from Emily reminded me that perhaps i have a responsibility to those few (incredibly cool) people that do stop by here regularly, to not be careless with my words. I guess there's both benefits and harm of publishing stream-of-conscious thoughts as the print, er, pixograms may or may not fully, adequately represent the whole story.
Anyway, I'm (we're) much better now. But not without a considerable amount of distress. I ought to elaborate. But, somehow, i just don't want to. Maybe rehashing it here upsets me. I'd like to not think or remember it at all, in a way. It's still way too uncomfortable right now.
But i will close this post with a comment i left on Mesa's site a few days ago. Ironic?
I think women are often trained to keep things inside. We're molded to smooth things over and pretend things are okay. We're taught that anger is unattractive and "unladylike" and otherwise should not exist. The problem is, everyone gets angry. Conflicts are inevitable. Disagreements are a part of everyday life. So, what are we to do when we have a feeling that we are ashamed of but nonetheless is there? Its a set-up! And only compounds the painful feelings, when really, it could be so much simpler; we can have our heart to heart, share our feelings, reconnect and re-establish just how much we love and care about each other..
Try not to be so hard on eachother, and just as importnatly yourselves. Hang in there! Despite the communication difficulties, its obvious in your writings, that you both care about each other alot.
Time for that heart-to-heart!
Sorry.
Didn't mean to worry anyone. The comments from Emily reminded me that perhaps i have a responsibility to those few (incredibly cool) people that do stop by here regularly, to not be careless with my words. I guess there's both benefits and harm of publishing stream-of-conscious thoughts as the print, er, pixograms may or may not fully, adequately represent the whole story.
Anyway, I'm (we're) much better now. But not without a considerable amount of distress. I ought to elaborate. But, somehow, i just don't want to. Maybe rehashing it here upsets me. I'd like to not think or remember it at all, in a way. It's still way too uncomfortable right now.
But i will close this post with a comment i left on Mesa's site a few days ago. Ironic?
I think women are often trained to keep things inside. We're molded to smooth things over and pretend things are okay. We're taught that anger is unattractive and "unladylike" and otherwise should not exist. The problem is, everyone gets angry. Conflicts are inevitable. Disagreements are a part of everyday life. So, what are we to do when we have a feeling that we are ashamed of but nonetheless is there? Its a set-up! And only compounds the painful feelings, when really, it could be so much simpler; we can have our heart to heart, share our feelings, reconnect and re-establish just how much we love and care about each other..
Try not to be so hard on eachother, and just as importnatly yourselves. Hang in there! Despite the communication difficulties, its obvious in your writings, that you both care about each other alot.
Time for that heart-to-heart!
Dec 8, 2004
Dear T
Are you still up?
I need help. I am very angry/hurt and don't know what to do.
It would be nice to talk, if you're not busy....
sorry to be so needy, but i really value your wisdom/perspective and could really use some of that right now before i do something rash. (ie: take off, leave, get a motel, run away for good, O.D., etc)
i suspect its not even a big deal, but the rage is just overwhelming me. choking me. i can't stand it and feel helpless to do anything about it.
I need help. I am very angry/hurt and don't know what to do.
It would be nice to talk, if you're not busy....
sorry to be so needy, but i really value your wisdom/perspective and could really use some of that right now before i do something rash. (ie: take off, leave, get a motel, run away for good, O.D., etc)
i suspect its not even a big deal, but the rage is just overwhelming me. choking me. i can't stand it and feel helpless to do anything about it.
Burning
I am mad.
Raging.
Disgusted.
Pissed.
Outraged.
Furious.
Paralyzed. My stomach is in knots. I can feel the presence of impending tears. My chest is doing flip flops. I think i am going to throw up.
I want to run away.
Fuck it and be gone.
How dare he. How could he. What the hell.
Now what do i do.
There is nothing i can do.
Nothing to be said.
No where to go.
Nothing to think.
Its all useless.
It will do no good.
I won't be heard.
The tears will reap no reward.
In fact, expressing my feelings as i was so bold (though terrified) to do yesterday led to many times the cataclysm and an entire day of pain, teaching me well to keep my mouth shut.
No, there will be nothing to turn back time and make it go away now. He's done it and that's that. Permantly emblazened as a chip in my freshly repaired heart. Why should he have to answer to me, afterall. "Its the principle" I don't own him.
I am helpless.
Hurt.
And once again alone in my pain.
Raging.
Disgusted.
Pissed.
Outraged.
Furious.
Paralyzed. My stomach is in knots. I can feel the presence of impending tears. My chest is doing flip flops. I think i am going to throw up.
I want to run away.
Fuck it and be gone.
How dare he. How could he. What the hell.
Now what do i do.
There is nothing i can do.
Nothing to be said.
No where to go.
Nothing to think.
Its all useless.
It will do no good.
I won't be heard.
The tears will reap no reward.
In fact, expressing my feelings as i was so bold (though terrified) to do yesterday led to many times the cataclysm and an entire day of pain, teaching me well to keep my mouth shut.
No, there will be nothing to turn back time and make it go away now. He's done it and that's that. Permantly emblazened as a chip in my freshly repaired heart. Why should he have to answer to me, afterall. "Its the principle" I don't own him.
I am helpless.
Hurt.
And once again alone in my pain.
Dec 6, 2004
Confrontation is scary. I shake and feel afraid. My eyes well up and i want to fall down or run away in hysterics.
But i know i must do it. I must speak my truth. If i learned anything over the past year of outpatient eating disorder treatment, it is that; that if i am to live, i must find a way to identify and express my emotion. To counter depression, I must turn anger out instead of inwards.
Give me strength. i must push on despite being afraid
But i know i must do it. I must speak my truth. If i learned anything over the past year of outpatient eating disorder treatment, it is that; that if i am to live, i must find a way to identify and express my emotion. To counter depression, I must turn anger out instead of inwards.
Give me strength. i must push on despite being afraid
Nov 30, 2004
Mortality
Found out last week that my Dad was diagnosed with leukemia. I think i'm in some sort of denial or something as i keep "forgetting" about it. I guess its not registering. When they visited NY for a couple days last month, i was alarmed by my parents aging faces; sagging skin, tired eyes; my Mom had even recently gotten a hearing aid! Then when i thought about it, i haven't really seen them much for the past 10 years - 1/3 of my lifetime, and i guess time marches on regardless of my absenteeism. Their faces confirmed it; my need to begin developing a new, adult relationship with my them, or should i say, any relationship at all. Its time to repair and mend, forgive and heal.
This will be the first Xmas i've spent with them since highschool (over 10 years) and D is coming no less! That's significant considering how insular (in my interpretation) my parents (used?) to be in the past. Even relatives were viewed with a certain measure of distaste and were not welcomed. D and i have discussed staying for up to 2 weeks. I expect it to be uncomfortable and difficult at times, but also meaningful and special. Unfortunately, D's poor health would make it particularly hard on him, so we'll most likely stay a week (?)..... We'll see.
This will be the first Xmas i've spent with them since highschool (over 10 years) and D is coming no less! That's significant considering how insular (in my interpretation) my parents (used?) to be in the past. Even relatives were viewed with a certain measure of distaste and were not welcomed. D and i have discussed staying for up to 2 weeks. I expect it to be uncomfortable and difficult at times, but also meaningful and special. Unfortunately, D's poor health would make it particularly hard on him, so we'll most likely stay a week (?)..... We'll see.
Nov 29, 2004
End Result
Ok. I gave in and got the curling iron. And hot rollers to boot!
Didn't really turn out how she looked, but that's ok, D smiled a toothy smile and said (for the first time) that i looked beautiful. Though next time i'd prefer to skim a little off the 8 hour completion rate. (!)
Nov 28, 2004
Plastic Curls
D doesn't read my blog anymore. I don't know if that makes me happy or sad. I guess if he did, it would show me he was interested in my thoughts and writing, but then, if he doesn't, i feel less self-conscious. I wonder why he doesn't mention it. He also doesn't write in the awesome Blog of Love that he created special for us many months ago before i moved to New York to be with him; dedicated to the wonder that was our unfolding relationship. And of course, he stopped his own blog. Now I don't have the benefit of hearing those deeply moving and poetic thoughts. His blog was a rare and valuable window into his inner world that i miss terribly.
Its 839am and he fell asleep ("early") about an hour ago while i continued searching the web for tips as to how to create stiff/flat/fakey spiral ribbon curls as witnessed last night on the HB O ::cough, cough:: "Documentary" on P o r n. He said he liked them and they would look good on me if i died my hair blond. This launched me headfirst into a pathetic quest to fulfill his quasi suggestion (since he rarely makes them) and i'm of course desparate for his approval. (Despite that i already have it......... I think.........) I want to be sexier, prettier, lovelier, more clever and charming, magnetic, erotic overall love Goddess. (For him) I want him to see me as the perfect woman and satiate any/all desires that he has, might have, consider having, know that he might possibly have in this or some other lifetime on any given planet, solar system, or perhaps galaxy. Yes, i know this is blatantly co-dependant. Yes, i'm aware that my desparate need to appear attractive is unattractive.
Yada yada yada. Anyway!
I knew immediately what i had to do and braved the bitter cold (i don't own a coat yet) and walked to the neighborhood store loading up on hopeful tools of approval; pins, hairspray, gel, combs.... For some odd reason i deducted through on-line research that "pin curls" would produce the desired spiraled effect. It didn't take long to realize how horribly misguided of an inspiration that was as i unpried tangled hair blobs from my greased up fingers. Not one to be easily deterred, I quickly moved on to bigger and better brilliant ideas as i went on to wrap soggy tendrils dripping with gel, hairspray, and other misc hair goop around and assortment of would-be curlers; rags, bottles, toilet rolls,- anything i could reach-but alas, to no avail!
Now, the situation is becoming increasingly dire as I am actually contemplating walking to the drugstore and resorting to the purchase of an actual curling iron; thus bringing the number of hair appliances in my possesion up to, count em, THREE, yes THREE electric hair devices. (Following recent acquisitions; Hot Iron to accentuate the $400 relaxer D sprung for, and Hair Dryer; inspired one chilly morning by a wet-hair-experience when stinging New York frost lingered like poison arrows in my moist, unsuspecting scalp while D and i waited for our bus; thus clearing up that whole "why-someone-would-own- a-hair-dryer-anyway" mystery for me. (It hadn't really dawned on me me in the tropics of Hawaii.)
Now I'm been debating- do i sneak out now and get it, return home, and get to work?....But then what? Curl and glue, curl and glue, curl and glue into exhaustion only to fall-out fast asleep beside poor D who'd later wake to a vaguely familiar tossled head of post p o r n hair foof? Horror! Oh well, that hideously grating metallic front door would surely wake not only D up anyway, but the rest of the city along with him.
Besides, remind me once again anyways, whyyyyy am i trying to look like a p o r n star againnn?!
::glowering::
Humph!
Its 839am and he fell asleep ("early") about an hour ago while i continued searching the web for tips as to how to create stiff/flat/fakey spiral ribbon curls as witnessed last night on the HB O ::cough, cough:: "Documentary" on P o r n. He said he liked them and they would look good on me if i died my hair blond. This launched me headfirst into a pathetic quest to fulfill his quasi suggestion (since he rarely makes them) and i'm of course desparate for his approval. (Despite that i already have it......... I think.........) I want to be sexier, prettier, lovelier, more clever and charming, magnetic, erotic overall love Goddess. (For him) I want him to see me as the perfect woman and satiate any/all desires that he has, might have, consider having, know that he might possibly have in this or some other lifetime on any given planet, solar system, or perhaps galaxy. Yes, i know this is blatantly co-dependant. Yes, i'm aware that my desparate need to appear attractive is unattractive.
Yada yada yada. Anyway!
I knew immediately what i had to do and braved the bitter cold (i don't own a coat yet) and walked to the neighborhood store loading up on hopeful tools of approval; pins, hairspray, gel, combs.... For some odd reason i deducted through on-line research that "pin curls" would produce the desired spiraled effect. It didn't take long to realize how horribly misguided of an inspiration that was as i unpried tangled hair blobs from my greased up fingers. Not one to be easily deterred, I quickly moved on to bigger and better brilliant ideas as i went on to wrap soggy tendrils dripping with gel, hairspray, and other misc hair goop around and assortment of would-be curlers; rags, bottles, toilet rolls,- anything i could reach-but alas, to no avail!
Now, the situation is becoming increasingly dire as I am actually contemplating walking to the drugstore and resorting to the purchase of an actual curling iron; thus bringing the number of hair appliances in my possesion up to, count em, THREE, yes THREE electric hair devices. (Following recent acquisitions; Hot Iron to accentuate the $400 relaxer D sprung for, and Hair Dryer; inspired one chilly morning by a wet-hair-experience when stinging New York frost lingered like poison arrows in my moist, unsuspecting scalp while D and i waited for our bus; thus clearing up that whole "why-someone-would-own- a-hair-dryer-anyway" mystery for me. (It hadn't really dawned on me me in the tropics of Hawaii.)
Now I'm been debating- do i sneak out now and get it, return home, and get to work?....But then what? Curl and glue, curl and glue, curl and glue into exhaustion only to fall-out fast asleep beside poor D who'd later wake to a vaguely familiar tossled head of post p o r n hair foof? Horror! Oh well, that hideously grating metallic front door would surely wake not only D up anyway, but the rest of the city along with him.
Besides, remind me once again anyways, whyyyyy am i trying to look like a p o r n star againnn?!
::glowering::
Humph!
Nov 27, 2004
Hi Mom!
Well that sounds neat! Looks like you were having alot of fun in the
pictures!!! I did go to D's family Thanksgiving upstate. His
Grandma, his Mom and her partner, his Mom's sister/sister's
husband/son/sister's 3 brothers and their families were there. About
16 people i think.... LOTSSSS OF FOOD. They packed us some leftovers
and boy was i excited to find it was about 10 pounds (literally) of
food including my favorite: about 1/2 a cheescake and 8 cups of
pototo salad... YEAH BUDDY! D's favorite was a pork dish and
spanish rice.... His relatives were very gregarious and fun loving
and there was alot of laughing and joking throughout the evening.... I
thought it was NEAT though D felt the volume could have been
reduced a bit.... HAHA
Things are happy. Happier every day. I just got back from a walk to
the grocery store and will now settle in to playing World Of Warcraft
with him on-line. Its really pretty complex and fun! There's alot
to learn!! Also unpacked my books and have been reading a bit as well as
alot on-line.
We plan to buy Xmas tickets today or the next day. Do you have
recommendations for the dates?
Love,
Indigo
pictures!!! I did go to D's family Thanksgiving upstate. His
Grandma, his Mom and her partner, his Mom's sister/sister's
husband/son/sister's 3 brothers and their families were there. About
16 people i think.... LOTSSSS OF FOOD. They packed us some leftovers
and boy was i excited to find it was about 10 pounds (literally) of
food including my favorite: about 1/2 a cheescake and 8 cups of
pototo salad... YEAH BUDDY! D's favorite was a pork dish and
spanish rice.... His relatives were very gregarious and fun loving
and there was alot of laughing and joking throughout the evening.... I
thought it was NEAT though D felt the volume could have been
reduced a bit.... HAHA
Things are happy. Happier every day. I just got back from a walk to
the grocery store and will now settle in to playing World Of Warcraft
with him on-line. Its really pretty complex and fun! There's alot
to learn!! Also unpacked my books and have been reading a bit as well as
alot on-line.
We plan to buy Xmas tickets today or the next day. Do you have
recommendations for the dates?
Love,
Indigo
Nov 25, 2004
Happy Thanksgiving!
Ohmygooodness! Ohmygooodness! In a few minutes, D's Mom will pick us up and we will ride together to his family's Thanskgiving gathering. EEEeeeks. I'm so going to throw up! I'm so nervous!
Nov 23, 2004
Thanx Emily & Jack!
|
You Are the Individualist |
|
4 You are sensitive and intuitive, with others and yourself. You are creative and dreamy... plus dramatic and unpredictable. You're emotionally honest, real, and easily hurt. Totally expressive, others always know exactly how you feel. |
Think its accurate? Seems it.
Nov 22, 2004
Expectations make for frustration
That's why I hate my birthday. Its one of the more miserable days of the year. I feel the painful affects of unnurtured friendships and isolationism. I bathe myself in self-pity, followed later by affirmations to be a better person. I'll say more when these two injured fingers heal. Its difficult and painful to type.
Nov 20, 2004
31 or Bust
Feeling better. Much better. Long, honest heart-to-hearts with D tend to do that. Renew me. Assuage my fears. Less because of what is said, and more to do with the act itself; as it indicates to me that he cares enough to take the time and make the effort; it represents connection.
And now the countdown; 1 hour and 53 minutes to be exact.
And now the countdown; 1 hour and 53 minutes to be exact.
Nov 19, 2004
Blah blah blah. Woe is me. Woe is me.
I can't believe i just lost this post! Twice! Its disgusting! I poured my guts out. I said what i needed to say. And it was swallowed up into nowhere. Arg i'm so mad! I can't believe it.
Basically i pontificated the wildly fluctuating emotions i've been having the past few days. Its been hard dealing with myself. I'm freaked out that i'll freak D' out. I've felt crazy on more than one occasion. Part of me thinks its due to justified frustrations, part of me thinks i'm either making it all up in my own head and/or the birth control pills are messing me up. I wonder if i'm hardwired to perpetual dissastisfaction, depression and self-pity. Am i capable of sustaining happiness for any significant amount of time? Perhaps i unconsciously sabatoge myself due to a need to maintain the comfort and safety that comes from the familiarity of despair. Perhaps on a deep level i feel i don't deserve different.
Then a thought: perhaps my expectation/desire for happiness is ironically the actual root of my unhappiness. Perhaps it reflects perfectionistic, black & white thinking to expect a constant state of bliss. (Not to mention absurd.)
Perhaps i need to just shut up. Perhaps i am whining and being stupid.
D' has his share of moods too, but, he seems more able to take them in stride. Me? I catastrophize and freak out. Him? He seems to have a more stable, long-term perspective of things while i become panicky and fearful in a heartbeat. Poor David. How will he put up with me? Idiot!
I think i need to get out. I think i need to not think. I think i need to have some fun. Speak to someone or do something new. I'm starting to feel trapped indoors but afraid to leave. I love Dave. I enjoy him. I like being with him and making each other laugh. But, its not fair (or smart) to relegate my emotional health to being dependant on his; hinging upon his every move. That's a ridiculous amount of pressure to dump on him. Does he feel it? Does he notice? I dearly hope not. My recent caretaking and errand running feels good so long as i don't lose myself in the process. I try to contain this fragility as much as possible, but i suspect i've done a poor job.
Did i mention my birthday will be this Sunday? I didn't know if he knew or not until last night. Part of me wanted it to slide by unknown, and unnoted. Part of me hoped for the type of romantic celebration i've never experienced. And Thanksgiving is soon too. We discussed briefly what we'll do. For years now, that's been my relationship with both my birthday and holidays- denial - since holidays tend to evoke feelings of sadness and loneliness for me as opposed to the warm-fuzzies apparantly being experienced by everyone else. I guess they seem to shine a light on a conspicuous lack of loved ones in my daily life and i never liked thinking about the fact that there is nowhere in particular to go on a day intended to celebrate family and love.
Basically i pontificated the wildly fluctuating emotions i've been having the past few days. Its been hard dealing with myself. I'm freaked out that i'll freak D' out. I've felt crazy on more than one occasion. Part of me thinks its due to justified frustrations, part of me thinks i'm either making it all up in my own head and/or the birth control pills are messing me up. I wonder if i'm hardwired to perpetual dissastisfaction, depression and self-pity. Am i capable of sustaining happiness for any significant amount of time? Perhaps i unconsciously sabatoge myself due to a need to maintain the comfort and safety that comes from the familiarity of despair. Perhaps on a deep level i feel i don't deserve different.
Then a thought: perhaps my expectation/desire for happiness is ironically the actual root of my unhappiness. Perhaps it reflects perfectionistic, black & white thinking to expect a constant state of bliss. (Not to mention absurd.)
Perhaps i need to just shut up. Perhaps i am whining and being stupid.
D' has his share of moods too, but, he seems more able to take them in stride. Me? I catastrophize and freak out. Him? He seems to have a more stable, long-term perspective of things while i become panicky and fearful in a heartbeat. Poor David. How will he put up with me? Idiot!
I think i need to get out. I think i need to not think. I think i need to have some fun. Speak to someone or do something new. I'm starting to feel trapped indoors but afraid to leave. I love Dave. I enjoy him. I like being with him and making each other laugh. But, its not fair (or smart) to relegate my emotional health to being dependant on his; hinging upon his every move. That's a ridiculous amount of pressure to dump on him. Does he feel it? Does he notice? I dearly hope not. My recent caretaking and errand running feels good so long as i don't lose myself in the process. I try to contain this fragility as much as possible, but i suspect i've done a poor job.
Did i mention my birthday will be this Sunday? I didn't know if he knew or not until last night. Part of me wanted it to slide by unknown, and unnoted. Part of me hoped for the type of romantic celebration i've never experienced. And Thanksgiving is soon too. We discussed briefly what we'll do. For years now, that's been my relationship with both my birthday and holidays- denial - since holidays tend to evoke feelings of sadness and loneliness for me as opposed to the warm-fuzzies apparantly being experienced by everyone else. I guess they seem to shine a light on a conspicuous lack of loved ones in my daily life and i never liked thinking about the fact that there is nowhere in particular to go on a day intended to celebrate family and love.
Nov 17, 2004
Note & Response
At 11:21 PM, Indigo Blue said…
At 7:28 PM, FluffyValentine said…
hehe! wow! i went to the link...
the process of writing that essay helped me come to terms with a lot of f**ked stuff in our society, and feel more comfortable in the skin that i'm in...and i'm really happy that it touched you too!
By the way Indigo, your blog is great (and I love your writing style)...keep it up ! :P
-Kate.
Ps I really want to do research on how older divorced women deal with re-entering the 'dating scene', and the discriminative limitations etc. placed upon them (re: physique, previously-had children, work, outlook) by our rather ageist society. hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm............
Pps. to anyone who's reading this...
(cliche, i know, but) look at your body as a temple, or a vehicle with a longer life-span than a bloomin' car. we wash our cars, feed them with good quality petrol, service them, insure them. Cars come in diff shapes, makes, and sizes, but they all serve the purpose of getting us from point A to B. So nourish yourself well, get active, remember that what's good for the brain is good for the heart and vice-versa, and stop comparing yourselves (physically) to people in magazines.
1. they're airbrushed
2. depend on their plasticity to get them work
3. are employed to make us feel insecure and thus consume whatever products they're signifying
4. if you were as beautiful as these people, you'd be terribly paranoid that people only liked you for your sex appeal. and people (nasty things that we are) would be more likely to use you.
take care all, i have an exam to write.
Nov 15, 2004
Nov 14, 2004
Surrendering
Trembling
Uncustomary that this is
vision flickers
in sashaying light
this cool rhapsodic night
An inscription
on wafting thighs
gliding divinely by
flying
drifting
feathery mind
Shifting
Lithe
Empyreal sighs
nameless singing
sacred tingling
unfettered and palpitating
sweet
Capitulated and
piqued
Uncustomary that this is
vision flickers
in sashaying light
this cool rhapsodic night
An inscription
on wafting thighs
gliding divinely by
flying
drifting
feathery mind
Shifting
Lithe
Empyreal sighs
nameless singing
sacred tingling
unfettered and palpitating
sweet
Capitulated and
piqued
Nov 12, 2004
Knot Tying
"Welllll, its on the table," he slyly answered his best friend, giggling.
Marriage.
Its not that i'm opposed to it per se, more so that it simply hasn't crossed my mind much. Although i must admit, in the past, the concept has occasionaly, once or twice mayve, evoked some heavie-jeavie feelings related to domestication and routine, dullness, servitude - that sort of thing. I mean really, "for life?!!!" Is that possible?! Is that realistic?! Does anyone really think that that could work?
God i hope so.
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Thanks again Kate...
http://indigo-blues.blogspot.com/2004/11/beauty-is-but-well-wielded-commodity.html
Aloha,
indigo