medication needed

depression is a bitch. it won't leave me alone. again and again it rears its ugliness. i'm sick of it. sick.

the last car in the parking lot, i creep through darkened hallways and an empty campus.
i work like a dog during the week. i dress for success. i'm showered with appreciation and praise. the fruits of my labor set me apart. how glorious. what strength!
driving home i ask the road, "who cares," and "what's the point"
then, at home, on weekends, my soft underbelly is exposed and i crumble.
can i be happy?
i don't know.

funny how cyclical my life seems to be. this blog seems to illuminate it. somehow, now matter what happens, i always seem to come back to a state of indigo blues.

i have things to report. good things. suspiciously good. surprising things. i earned a M.S. a few weeks ago. it was a relatively painless and short process. and most critically, it was free. this bumps my salary. my godly boss, a VP, is heaven sent - supportive, affirming, entirely positive. he filled my head with a school year's worth of praise. so much so, he's practically got me believing it. what have i done to deserve this? strangely, my new coworkers are as equally kind. all of this diminishes the sting of the institutional dysfunction. and infuriating inertia. on the other hand, i've had great opportunity to contribute, and it's been a liberation.

on the difficult western front - the father is not well post transplant. infections. emergency bowel removal. 5 hour iv's and transfusion. my mother, the nurse, is a saint. a saint. on the eastern front are we - connected by just an electronic thread as she updates me day by day, blow by blow

weekend blahs

it is quiet.
saturday morning - 5 Pm.
he sleeps to my right, but i am alone.
i awoke not long ago too.
haggard.
fatigued.
the air conditioner mushing on.
i am gelatinous.
my head, jelly.
my thoughts, slushy and thick.
i sip on the mcdonald iced coffee that the dog and i procured not long ago on our arduous voyage OUT. at which time she sniffed , and breathed, and inquired while i muddled forward begrudgingly - seeking relief from caustic rays in patches of darkened cement.
why do my guts feel like hulking water balloons?
why is my blemished face bristly?
why do i not know what to do?

Before I die

I want to learn to play http://mp3.rhapsody.com/maria-joao-pires/schumann-piano-concerto-op54-piano-quintet-op44 on the piano

i'm good!

did i tell you about the promotion?  unrealistic!  unbelievable!  4ish months ago.  and get this - i'm freakin' happy with it.  i have independence. my own lovely office with a view. responsibility and respect. room to be innovative.  and most importantly an opportunity to do good.  to help people. to have more involved relationships with staffstudentsfaculty.  freakin unbelievable.  somebody pinch me. i've been so nervous that it was a dream. 

there real;y isn't much else to my life now. except of course the cutie. he hasn't been well actually. spent a couple weeks in the hospital last month which was scary.  and difficult. and sad. its hard to see him so uncomfortable 24  7.   all we can do is pray for a medical miracle.  go stem cell research! 

well as i type i realize there's few more things to report. but now that i have my first real job and all, i must admit i have more to lose in regards to my anonmyity.  wouldn't want to give away too many details that could be traced to me.  for my few old friends, perhaps i ought to come clean and start a brand new, clean cut blog.  of course, not nearly as much fun.... but..... i do miss writing.... such a dilemna

and how are you all?

happy holidays.

i miss you

 

some progress

Big promotion. now in a field that makes sense for me, is meaningful, is challenging, and sufficiently impressive. went to a conference in chicago this last week. 

but he's still sick.  he went off his meds and is slipping.  there was an incident yesterday and it was ugly.

i was so fulfilled and excited on my way home. and now today, everything is again gray.

tomorrow back to work.  i don't want to go.

feeling awesome today.  unfortunately have to go back to work tomorrow after 2 heavenly work/stress/anxiety/irritation free weeks of hanging out at home.  started a new weekend grad class in multicult ed and its FABULOUS. the intellectual stimulation is a joyous experience that fills me with hopefulness.  if i can knock out this Masters in the next year, i think i'll have many more options in life, which is something that keeps me hanging on. 

Healthy Delivery Food in NY?

www.OrganicDirect.com

- New York and New Jersy Organic Food Delivery! Buy direct and save. Free delivery*. (Brooklyn, NY)

Snowbird Natural Organic Foods

- Free Shop At Home Service With Free Delivery (New Rochelle, NY)

Organique

- Gourmet Foods for Health, Convenience, Indulgence (New York, NY)

• Farm Share Ltd

- Home Delivery of CSA Shares in Westchester, NY. (Larchmont, NY)

• The Full Plate Farm Collective

- 3 Farm Collective CSA. (Spencer, NY)

• Bogo Food

- BOGOFOOD sells directly to you, so you always enjoy below-retail prices. (BRIDGEHAMPTON, NY)

• Organic Roots Cafe

- Organic shop serving organic sandwiches, salads, Catering platters, & Organic Drinks. (East Greenbush, NY)

• Will's Macrobiotic Services

- Will's Macrobiotic Services. (Glen Head, NY)

• High Peaks Java

- High Peaks Java. (Glens Falls, NY)

• Garden Gate

- Home Delivery of Local Gourmet and Staple Foods. (Ithaca, NY)

• Zen Pavilion

- Zen Pavilion--Oriental Vegetarian Cuisine. (Little Neck, NY)

• Two Peas In A Pod, LLC

- Personal Chef & In-Home Catering. (New York, NY)

• The Organic Grill

- Organic Vegetarian Restaurant in East Village New York. (New York, NY)

• Lynda's Eat Well and Be Well Vegetarian Kitchen

- Healthy Organic Vegetarian Meals Delivered to Nassau and Suffolk. (Oakdale, NY)

• 1844 House An American Bistro

- Fine American Regional Cuisine with an emphasis on fresh local vegetables, meats, & cheeses.. (Potsdam, NY)

• Teri's Dairy -- Organic Home Delivery

- Teri's Dairy- certified organic beef and other local organic foods.. (Savannah, NY)

• The Hudson Milk Co., Inc.

- Organic Milk Delivery. (shrub oak, NY)

• Chef Organic

- Organic Private Chef Long Island, New York City and Upstate NY. (Southampton, NY)

• Vanda Azevedo

- Organic Personal Chef Service. (Westbury, NY)

Pat Lyons and I wrote the book, Great Shape: The First Fitness Guide for Women in 1988.  Since then, the interest in the topic and the resources available to large women have grown exponentially. 

Large women are not morally obligated to exercise. Rather, we should have the right to pleasurable and safe physical activity. Joyful play and feeling competent in your own skin help you feel safe and healthy, combat stress and depression, and resolve many common physical problems.

Many barriers still exist when large women try to become more active.  They include

• less accessible clothing (although thankfully this is changing),
• activities paced for lighter bodies,
• possible public ridicule or hostility,
• a lack of safe public spaces (especially in the evening when many women who work during the day could exercise),
• lack of time,
• lack of money,
• lack of motivation to spend time on oneself,
• the diet-and-exercise mentality many of us are still haunted by, 
• the diet-and-exercise mentality of other people exercising around us,
• nasty memories of PE
• the possibility that we don't have movement skills because we have spent our lives avoiding it.

Moreover, when our exercise schedule gets disrupted (as it does with everyone) because of deadlines, sick kids, injury, illness, etc., it can be harder to get back into the groove because 

• we are moving more weight and so it feels harder to move after being sedentary,
• we are vulnerable to feeling like our inactive selves are our "real" selves because of the "fat and lazy" stereotype,
• we are vulnerable to feeling that this disruption means we must lack will-power because of the "fat and out of control" stereotype,
• if what got in the way of your exercise schedule was another person's need for you, you might feel it is being selfish to exercise.

A BodyPositive approach has the goal of integrating movement into your life for the rest of your life.  If you look at it as a very long-term process, in which you never "arrive," you begin to care about how it feels day-to-day, and how to develop the skills to keep coming back.  It is more like learning a foreign language: 

• At first it seems pretty difficult and there's more effort and self-consciousness, but there still can be fun aspects to it.  
• It takes a long time and a lot more effort than our quick-fix culture prepares you for.
• Later when you've wrestled with it for awhile, you begin to notice more effortless moments. 
• If you get out of practice, you can feel overwhelmed at the thought of coming back, but once you do it, you are surprised at how much comes back easily.
• When you've become fluent you can hardly imagine your life without it.

A long-term approach means you have to pay attention to

• your body's hunger to move (get in touch with it! Give it a name! Write a haiku about it!) 
• what you find pleasurable about movement (being with other people? being alone? moving to music? to quiet? in water? on land? vigorously? gently?)
• the blossoming athletic identity within you ("when it's not raining, she's gonna be outside, that's just how she is").

Want to be

fun
happy
creative
wild
spontaneous
loving
positive
inspiring
thoughtful
open
good

i'm like a regular, boring dude now.  plain.  average.  status quo.
i used to be bohemian.
funky. abstract. weird. a free spirit. 
now i am capitalist cog in the wheel. 
i wonder if i'll go back or continue in this path until death. 
its weird to change who i am. 
my brain is caught in the middle.

From My Buddy

"I hope to feel your breath on my cheek for all the long years

the grip of soft hand in mine, intertwined and at rest

a head with plush hair upon my chest

I am only for your sweet smile in this my everwhile

my life just piles of memories of us, to which I sort out the best

This is my great and simple dream for all these long years

 

I love you. "

"I don't know what your chances are in the outside world but in this car you're a veritable mack daddy."

Pathmark

I finally realized.
Pathmark is the Devil.  It is evil.  Through and through absolute evil and it is in need of a full exorcism.  Until then, I have no desire to go there again. 
I did however discover Whole Foods in White Plains this last week which was heavenly.  Healthy. Holistic.  And Happy.  I bought Nag Champa and a sparkely crystal that now hangs from my rear view mirror.  I felt at home and reminded me of so many happy college memories.  Although it's far away, I plan to go again and again and again.

LEEEEEEROY JEEENKINS!

The circumstances leading to the popular Internet video are debated, as Ben Schultz and his fellow guild members (Pals for life) have not confirmed whether the event was staged.

The video takes place in the Upper Blackrock Spire (UBRS) instanced dungeon in World of Warcraft, inside the Rookery room, one of the most notoriously difficult sections for newcomers to the game and responsible for countless wipes and other mishaps similar to the one depicted in the video.^[1] It opens with the guild members discussing an impending raid via audio teleconferencing, complete with regimented battle plan and statistical breakdown of their survival. One of the group stated they had a "32.33% (Repeating of course) chance of survival." With a response of "That's better than we usually do." The fastidiousness of their preparations is ruined by the sudden and unexpected actions of Leeroy Jenkins, who was away from his computer. After missing the entire conversation, Leeroy suddenly charges into the Rookery, yelling, "All right, time's up! Let's do this! LEEROOOOY JENKINS!" There is about a second of stunned silence from his companions, followed by carnage when they proceed to hastily attempt the attack (as Leeroy's actions have now alerted the monsters and aggravated them). The attempted raid (and video) is filled with a lot of confusion from the team to mount their original plan, as well as insults at Leeroy (such as "Leeroy, you are stupid as hell" and "goddamnit Leeroy!"), with Leeroy calling out, "It's not my fault". The battle ends disastrously, with all the guild members lying dead on the floor, berating Leeroy for his brashness. Leeroy's only response is, "At least I ain't chicken."

Beautiful Moments

November 13
Half waking in uncomfortable, cold dreams, unable to gather the thin sheet in my semi-consciousness. Vague far away sound of movement. I glance upwards to the thick comforter descending upon me as he smiles widely down at me and disappears as magically as he appeared.

my hair is a dirty mess & i don't care

i can't breathe. is something clogging my nose? is it the layers and layers of fat around my lungs and organs? i feel unmotivated to move, do things, study, exist. the cutie is sleeping although its the middle of the day. i just realized today that he is the only one in my life that i talk to but we in reality don't really have much to talk about. or so it seems. do i feel lonely? work and here. work and here. am i friendless? essentially i guess. maybe this is part of why i feel so down. am i bored? what can i do to enliven our days. maybe this is why i've gained so much weight. food is the highlight of my days. one of the few aspects to enjoy. how lame is that. i've been taking the cutie's extra antidepressants and i think that they did help. maybe now i need a stronger dose? i think exercising would help too, but doing what and where? i feel uncomfortable walking around this neighborhood. our studio is too tiny for equipment. gyms bother me. so what else? i haven't come up with anything although the need is becoming dire.

Sorry for my irresponsible abscense after those last posts.  That was sucky of me for the couple people who may still read me once in a while.  My Dad has recovered for the moment and doing fine. 

Life continues.  And I continue not blogging.  Nothing interesting in this moment to say. Nothing new. Nothing stimulating. Progressive. Regressive. Just nothing. 

Nothing nothing nothing.

Maybe later though.

Meanwhile, blah.

Email From Mom Last Night

Dad has been to see a couple different doctors this week, and is having several tests done, including a biopsy.  You remember the horrible eye and ear infections from about 2 1/2 weeks ago on our trip.  Now, he's developed several oozing blister-like sores on his arm, causing redness and lots of swelling.  They're testing for a Staph infection.  However, today, the dermatologist took a biopsy that he's sending to Seattle.  He believes there's a chance that Dad could have a more serious type of Leukemia (AML).  (He didn't like the steady drop in Neutrophils (sp?) in the blood tests.)  We probably won't know anything for about a week, but Dad would need immediate chemotherapy if this is the case. 

 

The sore arm does seem to be responding to strong antibiotics today, so that is good news.  This was potentially scary news, but remember it's not certain.  We'll just have to wait and see. 

 

Love,

Mom

Email From My Dad This Morning

Well, I can't be sure but I think I'm in trouble.  Thanks to my alert Dermatologist I hopefully will be early in fighting this new disease.  What I pick up is that it can be caused by a earlier Chemo....Go Figure!!!!!  My Dermatologist is going to recommend that I go to a doctor at the University of Washington.  I am going to go for that second opinion as fast as I can.. Regardless of what the test show on my arm I still have all the symptoms of AML..

 

Shortness of Breath

Back-joint pain

imature lymph cells

low level neutrophil  1.2

4 months ago ITP

WBC 3.6

 

This new round of chemo will be very strong as the success rate is not good...3 weeks to 3 months..  Acute AML