From My Buddy

"I hope to feel your breath on my cheek for all the long years

the grip of soft hand in mine, intertwined and at rest

a head with plush hair upon my chest

I am only for your sweet smile in this my everwhile

my life just piles of memories of us, to which I sort out the best

This is my great and simple dream for all these long years

 

I love you. "

"I don't know what your chances are in the outside world but in this car you're a veritable mack daddy."

Pathmark

I finally realized.
Pathmark is the Devil.  It is evil.  Through and through absolute evil and it is in need of a full exorcism.  Until then, I have no desire to go there again. 
I did however discover Whole Foods in White Plains this last week which was heavenly.  Healthy. Holistic.  And Happy.  I bought Nag Champa and a sparkely crystal that now hangs from my rear view mirror.  I felt at home and reminded me of so many happy college memories.  Although it's far away, I plan to go again and again and again.

LEEEEEEROY JEEENKINS!

The circumstances leading to the popular Internet video are debated, as Ben Schultz and his fellow guild members (Pals for life) have not confirmed whether the event was staged.

The video takes place in the Upper Blackrock Spire (UBRS) instanced dungeon in World of Warcraft, inside the Rookery room, one of the most notoriously difficult sections for newcomers to the game and responsible for countless wipes and other mishaps similar to the one depicted in the video.^[1] It opens with the guild members discussing an impending raid via audio teleconferencing, complete with regimented battle plan and statistical breakdown of their survival. One of the group stated they had a "32.33% (Repeating of course) chance of survival." With a response of "That's better than we usually do." The fastidiousness of their preparations is ruined by the sudden and unexpected actions of Leeroy Jenkins, who was away from his computer. After missing the entire conversation, Leeroy suddenly charges into the Rookery, yelling, "All right, time's up! Let's do this! LEEROOOOY JENKINS!" There is about a second of stunned silence from his companions, followed by carnage when they proceed to hastily attempt the attack (as Leeroy's actions have now alerted the monsters and aggravated them). The attempted raid (and video) is filled with a lot of confusion from the team to mount their original plan, as well as insults at Leeroy (such as "Leeroy, you are stupid as hell" and "goddamnit Leeroy!"), with Leeroy calling out, "It's not my fault". The battle ends disastrously, with all the guild members lying dead on the floor, berating Leeroy for his brashness. Leeroy's only response is, "At least I ain't chicken."

Beautiful Moments

November 13
Half waking in uncomfortable, cold dreams, unable to gather the thin sheet in my semi-consciousness. Vague far away sound of movement. I glance upwards to the thick comforter descending upon me as he smiles widely down at me and disappears as magically as he appeared.

my hair is a dirty mess & i don't care

i can't breathe. is something clogging my nose? is it the layers and layers of fat around my lungs and organs? i feel unmotivated to move, do things, study, exist. the cutie is sleeping although its the middle of the day. i just realized today that he is the only one in my life that i talk to but we in reality don't really have much to talk about. or so it seems. do i feel lonely? work and here. work and here. am i friendless? essentially i guess. maybe this is part of why i feel so down. am i bored? what can i do to enliven our days. maybe this is why i've gained so much weight. food is the highlight of my days. one of the few aspects to enjoy. how lame is that. i've been taking the cutie's extra antidepressants and i think that they did help. maybe now i need a stronger dose? i think exercising would help too, but doing what and where? i feel uncomfortable walking around this neighborhood. our studio is too tiny for equipment. gyms bother me. so what else? i haven't come up with anything although the need is becoming dire.

Sorry for my irresponsible abscense after those last posts.  That was sucky of me for the couple people who may still read me once in a while.  My Dad has recovered for the moment and doing fine. 

Life continues.  And I continue not blogging.  Nothing interesting in this moment to say. Nothing new. Nothing stimulating. Progressive. Regressive. Just nothing. 

Nothing nothing nothing.

Maybe later though.

Meanwhile, blah.

Email From Mom Last Night

Dad has been to see a couple different doctors this week, and is having several tests done, including a biopsy.  You remember the horrible eye and ear infections from about 2 1/2 weeks ago on our trip.  Now, he's developed several oozing blister-like sores on his arm, causing redness and lots of swelling.  They're testing for a Staph infection.  However, today, the dermatologist took a biopsy that he's sending to Seattle.  He believes there's a chance that Dad could have a more serious type of Leukemia (AML).  (He didn't like the steady drop in Neutrophils (sp?) in the blood tests.)  We probably won't know anything for about a week, but Dad would need immediate chemotherapy if this is the case. 

 

The sore arm does seem to be responding to strong antibiotics today, so that is good news.  This was potentially scary news, but remember it's not certain.  We'll just have to wait and see. 

 

Love,

Mom

Email From My Dad This Morning

Well, I can't be sure but I think I'm in trouble.  Thanks to my alert Dermatologist I hopefully will be early in fighting this new disease.  What I pick up is that it can be caused by a earlier Chemo....Go Figure!!!!!  My Dermatologist is going to recommend that I go to a doctor at the University of Washington.  I am going to go for that second opinion as fast as I can.. Regardless of what the test show on my arm I still have all the symptoms of AML..

 

Shortness of Breath

Back-joint pain

imature lymph cells

low level neutrophil  1.2

4 months ago ITP

WBC 3.6

 

This new round of chemo will be very strong as the success rate is not good...3 weeks to 3 months..  Acute AML

Shock of Shocks

Met with the VP today for over 3 hours. The first time we've ever spoken ever, with the exception of "hello" as she passes by on her way to meet with my direct supervisor. Who could have guessed ~ she's progressive and personable, open to ideas and well-intentioned! Between this and the frightening surprise meeting with the President last I feel, for the first time since starting at this college, an actual sense of optimism about its prospects. And my suspicion that my immediate supervisor is the root of most insanity has been infinitely supported. I can't tell you how validating this felt. Empowering even. In addition, upon hearing of my 6 month struggle to get a response from HR department, and the ultimately being shut down regarding starting a Masters at the college, the VP said in an instant - "No problem, when do you want to start?! Now? January" I was stunned. Thrilled. Finally beginning a (free) Masters program is definitely a concrete incentive to want to stick around for more than today. And in multicultural education no less. Highly highly cool. And in this moment I feel GREAT.

Reaching

Again, in pain, he sleeps. I'm browsing and haphazardly buying domain names - searching for inspiration. Tuesday he has an appointment with a new doctor we hope will be the one to save him. Cautiously optimistic, we play the lottery of life.

Weekends are hard lately. There is so much time and nothingness. I'm weepy and lost. Despondant and frustrated with the tedium. Looking at Victor's Bautista's stunning photos reminds me of my love of photography. Some day I will have a camera and photoshop and unleash my passion. Reading my herofriend Elizabeth Briel reminds me of far away places. Beautiful and enchanted artistry. Reading today's junk mail reminds me if only I had "Bowflex" I could dream of being fit. Driving past the Yoga/Tai Chi place on the way to Starbucks reminds me that I could begin classes and become spiritually grounded. Listening to the car radio reminds me of my inner musician and that I could some day have instruments to play and space to create.
And then I return to our room and our giant plasma tv and we sit and we stare and the days go by.

wickedpoplock

My stomach was in knots

Called down by the president to discuss a rash of complaints coming into his office about our office not picking up phones. Of course, not our fault: 3-4 people can only physically pick up and help so many people per minute. (We average 25 calls an hour from students, parents, community members and staff). And its
just
too
much.
Thankgod psycho boss is gone for 3 weeks on vacation.
But even this respite from tyranny is not enough.
Being angrily summoned by the President is icing on the pestilient cake.
And specifically me. Why me? I mean, WTF.
Turns out, the next morning he revised the meeting to an invitation for lunch for the 3 of us and we closed the office and nervously went. We joked about packing our things and bringing our purses to make for a smooth departure after receiving pink slips.
Turns out, he just wanted to "talk" and hear our thoughts. Bullya!
As I encouraged my coworkers to come as prepared as possible with our OWN agenda (regardless of his) since we have much to say about what is wrong and what needs to be improved (which ultimately we pay for as being the front lines dealing with the irate public at the office ineptitude, disorganization and unresponsiveness), remarkably, it turned out we actually had an opportunity to discuss it. And even more remarkably, even MIRACULOUSLY
HE WAS TOTALLY ON THE SAME PAGE.
He was funny, and down to earth, and endearing.
AND HE WAS 100% TOTALLY ON THE SAME PAGE with everything we said.
Total exact opposite of psychosupervisor.
Oh it was such a relief.
And today I feel a sense of hope that I probably I haven't had since starting there over a year ago.

seriously

how surprised would u be to learn that i frequently consider stand-up comedy?

reading my dribble i bet you'd never guess.

but u know they say comics are often miserable people

insatiable

hello.
it is 4am.
the cutie is sleeping to my right.
i am listening to katg - something he just discovered and now follows religiously.
what is the word now?
angst?
self hate?
confusion?
probably disgust.
i'm too dissatisfied to sleep. i need to fill myself with something. i'm hungry. for.
for.
for.
for what?!
researching domain names. maybe i could start a website? with what content? but that would be weird and self absorbed? and why would i do this? art work? music that i haven't yet created and likely won't, yet feel i ought to and would like too? writing that would be too revealing to use my real name? some sort of business idea?
shit.
real estate? organizing. paint it pottery. dance that i'm too fat and out of practice to teach. doggie daycare. photography. whatever.
whatever.
shit.
i'll likely not amount to crap. i hate to give up. but. my fortune cookie reads "life points to big things as unattainable". i've maybe now adjusted and begun to believe in the joy and satisfaction of a healthy, loving relationship. it took a while to believe in the cutie's love for me. 3 years last wednesday.
3 years since we met at his apartment door.
so what's wrong with me. why then do i feel empty?
the shitty shitty unhealthy job? no real friends to speak of? family far away in every respect?
i have love but still feel alienated.
what is wrong with me
do i need a hobby? something to do? a way to not hate myself?
reading this reminds me to find a counselor
i think i'm going downhill
again.
oh god, how many times have you heard me say this?

inexplicably grumpy. again.

i did lexapro for several months and i strongly suspect it helped me.  because in this moment i have that i-wanna-cry-for-no-real-good reason feeling that i used to have so often.  i think i need to call someone and get a real presciption for real.  (i was just borrowing someone else's who wasn't using it).

 

i hate this feeling.

 

besides that things are ok.  pretty good, i guess. i can't complain.  the only really sad thing about life is that The Cutie is in pain all of the time.  that is terrible.  as bad as it can get.  to see someone you love never feel quite comfortable.  every day is a struggle for him. terrible.

 

but, we have a nice, safe place to live.  a job that pays a living wage.  a beautiful running new car.  the cutest, sweetest doggie on planet earth. and most importantly each other.  what more can i ask for?    i feel blessed by the universe to have met the Cutie.  and i wrote him today to tell him so since last night he said he felt bad because he thought i was unhappy or that he was a burden because of his poor-health.  that's so sad.  i'm so sorry that he has to think such things.  why can't i make him better?  :( . . .

 

.......other news: i've gained back the 50 pounds that dropped off my first year with him.   it feels terrible and heavy.  i am uncomfortable and its hard to move.  i don't know what to do and feel overwhelmed by the burden of it and sometimes i'm so depressed i feel like giving up caring about my weight at all.  well, in a way i guess i allready have. 

 

i think it's best i get back into counseling. 

 

and i've been saying this for a couple years now.

 

july 26 (i think?) according to the Cutie will be our anniversary.  he's so good about remembering it.  i would have absolutely no idea if it wasn't for him.  isn't that sweet that he remembers?  i think it is.  i think its been 3 years.  i know it can't be 4 and 2 sounds like too little. yes, it must be 3 years.  can you believe that?   shocking.

 

i wonder when we'll get married. i wonder what it will be like and where it will be.  i wonder how fat i will be and what i'll look like in the dress.  i wonder if i will be sad because i'll be so fat that i'll ruin the once-in-a-lifetime opportunity and have fugly photos. 

 

arg so depressing.

 

i'm at work right now.  i'm almost always totally on task and working my butt off. i'm driven and crazy-effient while i'm here.  i have can honestly say that i am excellent worker. but not now. not in this moment. i am writing because i am trying to help myself. i am trying to boost my mood and feel better.  i am trying to remove myself from this fragile state of mind. 

 

again, i repeat myself when i say, i miss blogging.  and i do.

 

i miss it alot!

 

Inaction breeds doubt and fear.
Action breeds confidence and courage.
If you want to conquer fear, do not sit home and think about it.
Go out and get busy.

--Dale Carnegie

RP -It's you!

oh my RP, that's worrisome.  saturated, you say?  zoinks!  sounds like you may not think this is a good idea.

 

and on a side note, I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU STILL READ ME!!!

 

YAY!

 

That makes very happy.

 

It's great to hear from you!  (and i hope my impeach button didn't offend you too too terribly)..  funny, i thought of you when i posted it.. =)  

Are you sick of it?!

Make your voice heard!

I wrote in and received two nifty responses from congress, including the following...

Thank you for your e-mail.  It is very important to me to know the issues
that are of concern to you.  A growing number of my constituents are now
choosing to communicate with me via e-mail.  I hope you will understand
that, because of the volume and range of e-mails I receive, it can take
some time to send a response that specifically addresses the subject
raised in your message.  I do, however, want to let you know immediately
that your message has been received.  Hearing from you and others through
e-mail helps me to quickly learn the views and interests of  New Yorkers
and others, which is very helpful to me in my work in the United States
Senate.   I hope you will continue to monitor my work through my website
at http://clinton.senate.gov, and I welcome hearing from you.

Sincerely,

Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton 

Nice

PhizzyPhat

Inspiring

I'm so tired, I feel like passing out right here on my desk.  I'd guess this is because during the last 2 weeks of "vacation" (spent at home on the couch in front of the computer/tv), The Cutie and I stayed up until the wee hours of the morning, (his typical schedule but not mine).   Now that I've been so rudely re-introduced to my job, I'm

struggling to readjust my time clock.   

 

Did I tell you that starting taking a Real Estate course?  It gives me something to do/learn/sorta dream about.  I have fantasies of fat commissions, indendence and helping people. Is this realistic or close to true? 

 

I don't know.

 

What worries me is the repeated warning from prospective agenices that I must be able to live off savings for the 1st year.  Is that even possible?  

Spying is fun!

Cool Time Square "Earth Cam"

Interview with Mary Murphy - (You Think You Can Dance)

TVGuide.com: How much depends on their physical appearance?
Murphy: If they're not well groomed, if they look a mess, it starts giving us a picture of what they really feel about themselves, so of course appearances are everything. They need to walk on that stage with all the confidence in the world, because if they don't, I'm not going to be very confident in them, either.

TVGuide.com: That's good to know. What other advice do you have?
Murphy: The absolute biggest tip I can share is that if you have any great signature moves, don't mess about, get to it. It's too often that dancers keep padding a routine with hardly anything, and then all of a sudden they have this fabulous move towards the end. A lot of times we will cut you off, so we never even get to see that move. We usually make up our minds in less than 30 seconds about whether we want to see you come back or not.

TVGuide.com: How much depends on their physical appearance?

Why are the British so much funnier than we are?

VOTE NOW: Should Vice Presdent Cheney be IMPEACHED?

TELL CONGRESS WHETHER TO IMPEACH VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY OR NOT

On April 24, 2007, U.S. House Representative Dennis Kucinich introduced
H.Res. 333, calling for articles of impeachment to be sent to the U.S Senate
with regards to Vice President Richard B. Cheney.

We have created a VOTING action page on this.  We want maximum participation
so we can reflect the true sense of the American people.  Please vote
whether you support impeachment or not.

ACTION PAGE: http://www.usalone.com/cheney_impeachment.php

The grounds of the proposed impeachment are that the Vice President:

  1. fabricated a threat of Iraqi weapons of mass destruction,
  2. purposely manipulated the intelligence process to deceive the citizens
and Congress of the United States about an alleged relationship between Iraq
and al Qaeda, and
  3. has threatened aggression against the Republic of Iran absent any real
threat to the United States, all in detriment to the national interest of
the United States.

If you are an established commentator on the internet or elsewhere, and you
have arguments to submit on either side of the issue, please email back with
links and we will put them also on the action page.

Please take action NOW, so we can win all victories that are supposed to be
ours, and forward this message to everyone else you know.

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Indigo, remember

Give love to be loved.

Brainstorming?

I must find a direction; hobby, sport, excercise routine, fulfilling job, a dam goal, something to work towards.  I need a path.  Somewhere to go, something to do.  Why am I sitting still night after night?  Trudging off to a "toxic" (wink to jm), taxing, soul-stealing job day after day.  Particularly because there's probably so many things that i could enjoy.  I do worry about spending time away from The Cutie.  I need to come home right away to take the Doggie out and make sure they both have something to eat, although I'm not a particularly good provider in that department anyway.  Also, I worry all day about his pain level, his sugar levels, and generally his state of mind and want to make sure he's okay.  And then, by the time I get home we really only have a few hours before it's bedtime again.  On the other hand, when I think about it, does it really make so much of a difference if I'm there?  Maybe not always.  Most of the time we aren't interacting too much because he's on the computer or watching tv, and I'm sitting behind him with this laptop on my lap.   We do fit it some laughter and driveby hugs as one of us grabs a soda from the fridge and that sort of thing, but that's often it.   A know too he'd encourage me get out and do something.  I'm sure I'd be happier.  But feel guiltier?  I would feel so guilty!  But why?   Because I know he's stuck at home -  miserable and in pain?  What right do I have to leave him.  It's not right.  Not being able to concretely help him in any way is... is.... well it's torture.   I can't stand it.   It makes me feel so useless and inadquate.  Why can't I make the pain go away?
.
.
.
.
And this is where I often get stuck.  But this post began to brainstorm ways for me to improve myself/my state of mind, and that is what I will get back to.   It's all such a jumbled mess.  Everything is out of order in my mind.  I don't know where to start.  I don't know what to do or what I want.  So let me start at the beginning with a list of things that make me happy, that sound interesting or fun, or things that might be fun to do.


Grad School?
Massage Therapy
Expressive Arts Therapy
Organizational Psychology

Take Classes for Health?
Martial Arts
Salsa
African

Take Classes for enjoyment?
Singing
Guitar
Film
Acting

Give classes?
I.nd.i.an d.anc.e?

Other things that sound like fun but i feel too guilty/unmotivated to do
call friends"
travel
sightsee manhattan
go to a broadway play
can't think of anything else!!!  i'm stuck!


Things that I should do and will make me feel better but am procrasting/feel blocked from doing- which makes me feel terrible:
cleaning/organizing the studio
laundry
taxes
walk the doggie
brush the doggie's teeth
find the doggie's toothbrush
make doctor appointments - optometrist/dermatologist/general checkup/gynecologist
see a psychologist - that specializing in eating disorders preferrably
find a psyc for the Cutie
cook

holy cow, my very first entry with my portable cell phone fold up
keyboard. let the coolness begin. (all thanks to princess seakitty
for turning me on to the concept. and by the way, are you still out
there? I lost your site! and how is the litle one? growing like a
weed?)) JM, I found your comments to be wonderful and I reflected
quite a lot on them. thank you. and thanks for those few who still
read me despite me sporatic, far between posts. that's terribly
humbling and an honor.

Pleasures of Him

Brushing the hair from my face
Standing behind me and wrapping his arms around me
Making each other laugh
Breaking into song

mediocre life
mediocre person

Deadwood Lines

convey my joy
and tell him numerous scores awaits

soft fuckin day
morning crop ear

is he about?

cease fortune by the forlock

say your piece or get the fuck out

i hope you commend my words to him

i contemplate a piece of activity

when can i expect a favorable response?

from this point forward i'll hand that... person

deceptively fair weather given the devastating rumors

more conviction

may i install your luggage in one of our better rooms?

about 50 yards as a bird flies

to whom shall i assign the room?

thought that position is largely ceremonial. no the position is real

it seemed that in the aftermath of his disappearance that you choose different companions

such moonlight treachery being the stealthy hallmark of

that's of no personal interest to me or anyone in this town

i don't want to hear it spoken of again because it darkens my thoughts

It is no disloyalty to be a realist. It is not loyalty betrayed. I feel exposed. I don't like being weak and i know i am. I fear what I'm capable of - where as you Richardson know nothing of yourself. Are you shitting or going blind?  Are you running or on horseback?  Careful of the shephards pie.

Said he to you while he doing the same?

okay - allright

lays there and shivers and stares at nothing

the current quickened and the waters muddied

your meaning is beyond me

peril

the camps at peril. worse than peril

wonderful kind intuitive generous

Things I Want To Learn

Massage Therapy
Dnc
Martial Arts
Drumming
Guitar
MIDI recording/composition
Web Design
Creative Art Therapy
Photography
Auto-mechanics
Spanish
Hindi
Screenwriting

Hello and first of all, thank you so much for this generous service as well as your time and help. I truly appreciate your participation in such a noble and nurturing cause, and am grateful to have stumbled upon you as such things are difficult if not impossible to discuss in my daily life. As you know, the stigma and fear attached to depression compounds the alienation surrounding already difficult feelings... I'm left wondering - where to turn? How do I distinguish between true depression and simply feeling under the weather? How seriously do I take myself? Is it worth your time for me to email you? I don't know. But I do somehow feel compelled to reach out as I crave some semblance of relief from this despair - this sense of hopelessness and lack of self. I crave comfort. Help. And am unsure where to turn. Or actually, am without resources I suppose. I 'd love to seek therapy but have neither health insurance or the the money. I'd speak to a friend but am disconnected and fatigued. Regardless, I will continue pushing on, though to be honest, I often feel completely deflated inside. Adrift in the middle of a lonely sea.

Thanks again for hearing me.

It means alot.

bored

is my life wasted?

i could cry.

i could cry right now.

right here at my desk.

an idiot. bafoon.  the maturity of a 5th grader.  socially strange. passive agressive. inconsistant and hypocritical.  mean-spirited and cloaked in fake niceties. i do not like her. she makes our lives hell.

who am i becoming

am i turning into a jerk?

 

i'm not sure if i care what people think of me anymore

 

i'm not sure i care about appearing "nice"

 

work is really wearing on me

 

i am tired of the these unrealistic arbitrary unfair demands

 

covering for others who are not held responsible - working 2-3 times harder than others because they are not held accountable - because they are talking all day on their cell phone - because they walk away on their desks for extended unnaccounted for breaks - because they blatantly ignore students and phone calls and they are left standing standing standing unless i alone acknowledge/help them 

 

i am so frustrated

 

i have been feeling trapped in here

 

put out many resumes with little/no response

 

what's next? what do i do now? how do i get out of here? what will i make of my life? where am i going

 

 

Another trip to the ER at 3:00am this morning. A lapse in his insurance for 3 days and his pain patch ran out. A pain level of 7 on the Cutie scale, but I'd estimate a 10 on normal human scale. Terrible! We waited for 3 hours before the 60 second doctor visit. 2 pain pills there, and 2 to go and call your doctor. Not very satisfying, not too much relief for him. A fast acting shot was what was really needed. Not having to wait yet another 1/2 hour for a mediocre lessening of long-lasting agony. During all of it, as usual, he kept his sense of humor,and dignity. How does he manage the way that he does? How does one trudge on day after day when so tyrannized? I admire him. I love him. I want him to feel better. I don't want him to hurt. I to find him an answer and make it go away. It breaks my heart.

i'm so tired

exhausted really
working way way too much
midnight then 10:30 then 10:00 tonight 8:00   - and never extra pay
makes me so mad - makes me furious!  but i've sent out about 10 resumes this week.
i really fear losing my mental health if i don't make a move quick

 

I have to admit, there's so much about my job that is miserable - mainly the LoonyBossLady. But nonetheless, I'm not okay with allowing myself to be the reactive, high-strung, frustrated person I often find myself being. Not being defensive while being continually attacked is a challenge that I need to meet. How do I do that? How do I relax despite unfair, senseless hostility? Not sure yet, but I need to find a way because in the big scheme of things, this is so extremely small potatoes. I once thought that something like this silly job would be no challenge at all. But I so often feel like I lost myself somewhere. Where is the balance, the wisdom that I think I may have had? (for a period)

I wish I had any/all of my things that I left in Hawaii in some guys garage do remind me of who I was. I think I'd find inspiration. I think I'd feel reconnected to who I was and things I could be proud of.

Meanwhile, I'm feeling gun ho about regaining physical health. In the 1st year with the cutie, I inadvertently lost 50 pound through practicing intuitive eating, expressing my emotions, keeping a food journal, identifying my hunger levels and stopping when I was full. In the 2nd year (I just discovered after weighing myself at my folks house over the holiday) I gained 30 again! That's sad. And with an impending wedding (GASP), I feel a renewed commitment to getting it together for myself, and us. So, today after work I bought a nifty healthy cookbook, a pedometer, a lunchbox/Tupperware to bring food to work, and a blank dated book to use as a food journal. I'm ready! I must admit, even though I'm completely anti-diet, starting one is something that I've been contemplating. But ultimately, I believe going on a diet will be counter productive and cause me to backslide into food obsession and self-hate. So, unless I change my mind, I can always reserve this as a future option if I I could handle a diet without triggering myself/binging/etc. Meanwhile I'll do the aforementioned which seem worthwhile too. More so even!

OMG

This is so HARD to write/type/blog with this TV on. I can't hear my thoughts! I can't focus. I forget what I've said by the end of the sentence. What am I going to do? I'd like to start blogging again as a part of my therapeutic journey, but the Cutie never turns it off! The only quiet time that I can think of would be weekend mornings before he is awake. I did recently splurge and by myself a TREO. I did so with a prominent motivation to someday start blogging with a portable keyboard like the one Seakitty uses. I think its such a cool idea. And now I even have a few FAT purses that would accommodate it... I can't quite justify the 100 bucks yet though..... Does anyone know of somewhere cheaper?

When I think about it, I think blogging was a crucial element to my healing/growth.

I want to change my life

I want to be a better person

i want to be healthy

i want to lose a hundred pounds

i want to be patient, and loving and good

i want to love people.  i want them to feel loved and then in turn to love

i want life to be a better for us to all to live

i want us to feel hope

i want to feel hope

i want to see through a child's eyes now and again

the cutie propsed on xmas day

in front of my family!

he proposed!