I must find a direction; hobby, sport, excercise routine, fulfilling job, a dam goal, something to work towards. I need a path. Somewhere to go, something to do. Why am I sitting still night after night? Trudging off to a "toxic" (wink to jm), taxing, soul-stealing job day after day. Particularly because there's probably so many things that i could enjoy. I do worry about spending time away from The Cutie. I need to come home right away to take the Doggie out and make sure they both have something to eat, although I'm not a particularly good provider in that department anyway. Also, I worry all day about his pain level, his sugar levels, and generally his state of mind and want to make sure he's okay. And then, by the time I get home we really only have a few hours before it's bedtime again. On the other hand, when I think about it, does it really make so much of a difference if I'm there? Maybe not always. Most of the time we aren't interacting too much because he's on the computer or watching tv, and I'm sitting behind him with this laptop on my lap. We do fit it some laughter and driveby hugs as one of us grabs a soda from the fridge and that sort of thing, but that's often it. A know too he'd encourage me get out and do something. I'm sure I'd be happier. But feel guiltier? I would feel so guilty! But why? Because I know he's stuck at home - miserable and in pain? What right do I have to leave him. It's not right. Not being able to concretely help him in any way is... is.... well it's torture. I can't stand it. It makes me feel so useless and inadquate. Why can't I make the pain go away?
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And this is where I often get stuck. But this post began to brainstorm ways for me to improve myself/my state of mind, and that is what I will get back to. It's all such a jumbled mess. Everything is out of order in my mind. I don't know where to start. I don't know what to do or what I want. So let me start at the beginning with a list of things that make me happy, that sound interesting or fun, or things that might be fun to do.
Grad School?
Massage Therapy
Expressive Arts Therapy
Organizational Psychology
Take Classes for Health?
Martial Arts
Salsa
African
Take Classes for enjoyment?
Singing
Guitar
Film
Acting
Give classes?
I.nd.i.an d.anc.e?
Other things that sound like fun but i feel too guilty/unmotivated to do
call friends"
travel
sightsee manhattan
go to a broadway play
can't think of anything else!!! i'm stuck!
Things that I should do and will make me feel better but am procrasting/feel blocked from doing- which makes me feel terrible:
cleaning/organizing the studio
laundry
taxes
walk the doggie
brush the doggie's teeth
find the doggie's toothbrush
make doctor appointments - optometrist/dermatologist/general checkup/gynecologist
see a psychologist - that specializing in eating disorders preferrably
find a psyc for the Cutie
cook
2 comments:
Once, long ago I found myself with a similar dilemma. I felt the need to make changes and work towards some sort of a goal. For some reason, I felt the need to make running a marathon my target, which wasn't a bad choice at all. And the great thing about running is that it provides time to reflect, as well as kicking up a great rush of endorphins than helps keep you centered and relieves stress. Good luck in your quest.
good info.
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