insatiable

hello.
it is 4am.
the cutie is sleeping to my right.
i am listening to katg - something he just discovered and now follows religiously.
what is the word now?
angst?
self hate?
confusion?
probably disgust.
i'm too dissatisfied to sleep. i need to fill myself with something. i'm hungry. for.
for.
for.
for what?!
researching domain names. maybe i could start a website? with what content? but that would be weird and self absorbed? and why would i do this? art work? music that i haven't yet created and likely won't, yet feel i ought to and would like too? writing that would be too revealing to use my real name? some sort of business idea?
shit.
real estate? organizing. paint it pottery. dance that i'm too fat and out of practice to teach. doggie daycare. photography. whatever.
whatever.
shit.
i'll likely not amount to crap. i hate to give up. but. my fortune cookie reads "life points to big things as unattainable". i've maybe now adjusted and begun to believe in the joy and satisfaction of a healthy, loving relationship. it took a while to believe in the cutie's love for me. 3 years last wednesday.
3 years since we met at his apartment door.
so what's wrong with me. why then do i feel empty?
the shitty shitty unhealthy job? no real friends to speak of? family far away in every respect?
i have love but still feel alienated.
what is wrong with me
do i need a hobby? something to do? a way to not hate myself?
reading this reminds me to find a counselor
i think i'm going downhill
again.
oh god, how many times have you heard me say this?