Ok, so this is the deal.
I did it.
I DID IT!
Can you believe that?!
I DID IT!!!!!
I woke up feeling like the worst, most awful, terrible, unkind person in the world. I felt STUPID! SO STUPID! Like I made an impulsive, stupid, childish, cowardly move. (I left the letter, my keys, 15+ resumes of previous admin applicants, instructions as to how to find things on the computer and in the desk, printed duplicate copies of all the work I'd done there, a copy of orders I made and updates on what needs to be ordered now, contact lists of his clients and vendors/contractors, etc)
And then I mentally reviewed the circumstances and reminded myself that it was justified, I had a right to take care of myself, I'm not responsible for the effects of his bad behavior, it's ok, I don't owe him anything, he'll be fine and I can be easily replaced ETC and then
I WANTED TO BASH MY HEAD IN
STUPID STUPID STUPID STUPID STUPID STUPID!
STUPID!
And EMBARRASSED!
I WANTED TO CRAWL INTO A DARK DARK HOLE FAR FAR AWAY AND LOSE MYSELF.
I was obsessively worried about his reaction. I slept as long as i could and tried not to wake up. I didn't want to think about it. I wanted the whole thing to just go away. IT DIDN'T HAPPEN. I DON'T CARE ABOUT ANY OF IT. WHO CARES. GOODNIGHT.
And then - what am I getting so worked up about. It's just a job. And he'll see me as just an employee. Why make a big deal out of it when it's not, (says The Cutie.)
Right.
11am - He should just be getting to the office now. Is he reading my letter right now? Right this minute? What is he doing? Is he freaking out? Is he despising me? Thinking I'm lowlier than scum? Is he disgusted? Does he think I'm pathetic?
And, why do I care again?
And who is this person to me?
And why do I so willingly give away my self worth to any person that crosses my path?
Why don't I put up a fight for myself? Why do I just give up?
Anti-wife and Seakitty, you left me such awesomely supportive comments today. I can't possibly thank you enough. Anti-wife, your offer to help me draft a letter blows me away! That is just - its so incredibly nice. SO INCREDIBLY NICE. THANK YOU to everyone who's offered their feedback the past couple days on this situation: Zatoad, JM, Critic... I'm not exaggerating when I tell you each of them has helped me SIGNIFICANTLY. You made me believe that I wasn't crazy or totally off-base - and had a right to feel uncomfortable. I really needed that extra vote of confidance. I needed your help.
THANK YOU.
Seakitty,
How could you be more correct?! How could you know me so well? You're absolutely totally right, I have "shown this man no reaction at all."
AT ALL.
None whatsoever.
I've simply smiled and looked on calmly as he babbles his outrageous accusastions and illogical nitpicking.
"he thinks the world is about him and him being upset and him and his difficult life and oh poo, poor fucking him. we all have problems. he feels sorry for himself."
ahhhhhh!
"i think you'd feel good about experimenting with confrontation. what do you have to lose? be indignant. be sarcastic. be funny about it. be assertive about your sensitive nature. be yourself."
Yes! That's what I want! Yes! Yes!
Yes!
I want to be indignant! Sarcastic! Funny! Assertively sensitive! MEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!
Yes!
Erm, next time though I guess. Heh. One step at a time? Well, at least, I HOPE this was a step? I don't know really. Maybe I should have stayed a little longer and practiced standing up for myself. Maybe this is running away. I don't know exactly. Maybe I'm just rationalizing this as a good decision to relief myself of the burdern and fear of doing that - confrontation. It's soo so scary.
BUT - it's my friggin workplace.
Who NEEDS that?!
Life is short.
I want to be around nice people.
(Without problems? Issues? Who don't make mistakes? Who never melt-down/freakout/say nasty things?) Well, I guess that's not realistic.
Where do you draw the line?
________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
That said -
G U E S S W H A T!
GUESS WHAT GUESS WHAT GUESS WHAT!
G U E S S W H A T!
I just got an email from the temp service lady(!!!) (I turned off my phone because I'm terrified that the scary evil bossman might try to call me) and GUESS WHAT! She has a FREAKING JOB FOR ME! SHE HAS A JOB FOR ME! SHE HAS A JOB FOR ME!
And it starts Monday morning!
Yessssssssssssss!
Can you freaking believe that?
I'm so happy! It will be 2 to 3 weeks working at an Academic Advising office of a local college for a "really nice guy" (per the Temp Lady.)
She said 3 times that she was excited (to finally give me a job?). Well, Temp Lady, I'M EXCITED TOO!
I guess the goddesses are smiling on me today.
It certainly did change my mood!
=)))
7 comments:
Excellent news. Good going, following your gut.
That is flippin' awesome news, Indigo. And the best part is YOU DID IT! I smiled the entire time I read this posting!
"Maybe I should have stayed a little longer and practicing standing up for myself. Maybe this is running away."
First, nobody -- and I mean NOBODY -- should have to suffer this type of shit at work. You stood up for yourself in the RIGHT way by walking away from his bullshit. People like him deserve no second chances. You didn't need to be his patsy or feel guilty about it. Even if he calls, do not take it. Does he still owe you a paycheck?
congrats on the quick turnaround on the job, Indigo. Better luck with that one.
Here's something I said to my wife the other day to put life in perspective:
"Name everyone you can think of. Friends, family, hell, even celebrities and dead peoples. I'll sit here all day while you do. And when you're done, you'll still not even have mentioned .000001% of the people alive, not to mention all those who've come before.
No one but yourself cares about the direction of our life. When we go, the world won't even notice. So might as well live the way we want to, and everyone else can go to hell."
yay indigo!
you sound so happy.
sorry about my original late response. i'm so screwed up on time these days, i hadn't even realized that i you posted that the day before. i'm a mess! but i think i like it.
also, i bet you made him feel really bad. i bet he didn't even realize what he was doing. and i bet he'd never tell another soul how close you pegged him, how right on you were about his emotional state, and how strongly your letter must have hit him...not to mention that you left him high and dry for it.
as my mother's evil saying goes, for this guy's asshole behavior, "there's always a price to pay."
Congratulations! Let me add mine to the chorus of voices wishing you good luck!
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