Can't remember - You tell me?

Hello.
Hello.

Hello. Hello. Hello. Should I post now, or not? Do I have anything to say? How about anything of value? How do I know if it's of value? Why would it be? Who would really care? I hardly care. I barely, barely care. So how would I believe that anyone else cares? Well that's a rather sad state of affairs isn't it? What does that tell me?

I really should get myself back into therapy. I think that would be really helpful. I wouldn't say that I'm officially in full-on relapse mode (re: eating disorder), but I would say that the past few months have been a struggle. Much more so than the previous year. I've been asking myself why. But honestly, I'm even a little superstitiously hesitant to think about it to much for fear of making things worse. You know, self-fulfilling prophesies and the like? Like, you can be having a perfectly good life until you think about it too much and stir things up and begin to unnecesarilly worry or obsess? Like, when you might have too much time on your hands to dwell and how things are or might go wrong rather than getting out into the world and acting. Experiencing. Performing. Accomplishing. Achieving? Does that sound glaringly Western? Is "glaringly" a word? Would a good buddhist be at peace without "achievement?" Do Westerners tie together "achievement" with accumulation and the tangible? Could I be a good buddhist? I mean, how could anybody go wrong with the middle-path anyway? I need to learn more.

I am SO glad that The Cutie is taking a nap right now. He blogged the other day that he feels like he hasn't slept in weeks which might be almost literally true. Is it true that after a few days without sleep you "go crazy?" Snoring, allerigies, back pain and anxiety keep him waking up constantly throughout the night. And now we can add Chilly's occasional nightime whimpering to the list. Poor guy. Why can't I heal his pains? I feel so helpless most of the time. I try so hard - usually I find the only route towards support is through OTC drugs: tums, xantax, oragel, aspirin, sudafed, metamucil, ensure, emergency sucrose gel, back support cushions, blood pressure gage, bandaids. Back rubs. Besides that, what can I do? What can I do? I can't do shit. I have to just sit and watch him feel miserable. And sometimes maybe he feels miserable that I am miserable seeing him be miserable which makes him more miserable than he would have been had I not been there making him think about something other than his own miserable feelings... (Clear as fog?)

Chronic pain.

It's a bitch.

Plus diabetes and it's a Bitches Bitch.

Plus allergies + heart problems + knee/should/hip + herniated disk + burning toe infections + burning, tingling, numb uncomfortable extremities + searing headaches + acid reflux + a fucked up eyeball filled with blurring fluid.

Will my writing this make him mad? Am i violating his privacy? I'm very nervous and wonder if I should ask him first before posting. Actually, to be honest, I've wanted to write about this almost every day but don't because of this nervousness. The only reason I typed it now is because I'm just blabbing whatever comes to mind without thinking.

Hmmm.

I wonder what I sound like discussing this. I hope not whining. I hope not like anything other than I'm concerned about him. He's the one in pain.

My friend A. suggested I find a support group for families of chronic pain sufferers. Does such a thing exist really? I wonder what it would be like, what would be discussed. Are there common forbidden "undisscussable" feelings that come out? Normalized? I hadn't thought of looking for such a thing before, although I have on occasion considered searching for some sort of Diabetes related support group. A place where I could talk to someone who'd know what it is to be gripped with the fear in the middle of the night - terrified that your lover's sugar may have dropped in his sleep - as you lay quietly watching, listening, feeling - trying not to wake him while looking for signs of normal breathing and consciousness.

Again, I don't know if such a thing exists, but it would be surprising to me if it didn't since it seems to be such a complicated all-consuming disease. I NEVER .....EVER..... EVER... could have imagined how difficult this disease was before meeting The Cutie. It's just absolutely horrible sometimes - the way it progressively damages the body throughout life. I'm not religious, but if I was, I wouldn't ever stop praying for a cure. I wish more people understood the affects of diabetes. And especially people at risk for Type 2 - it's one thing if you're born with it - but I imagine it's a whole different ball game when you develop Type 2 as an totally preventable biproduct of an unhealthy lifestyle. Talk about tragic waste. And adults have often have a much more difficult time adjusting which compounds the problematic effects.

Just please, stay healthy, don't get Diabetes if you can help it.

(And I'm speaking to myself here too.)

Working out and eating healthy is not just about vanity. I have to remind myself of this. Sometimes I feel silly/guilty about a desire to lose more weight. I have to remind myself that,

It's my birthright to be trim and healthy.

I don't have to feel bad. It's ok.

I wonder if people would think that that's a funny thing to have to tell myself. I wonder if they'll understand.

I've been at a plateau, I think, regarding my weight. As I've mentioned, I lost (naturally) about 50 pounds post-eating disorder group. I still am probably about 50 pounds over my ideal weight but have found the loss has slowed to a standstill. (I assume by my clothes as I don't weigh myself or have a full length mirror.) To be honest, I think I'm pretty afraid of losing more.

Uhoh. Puppy is stirring... I better get her before she wakes the Cutie.

Ope. He's up.

Well I'll go take her out to pee real quick in case that's why she's whimpering.

Back.

That was a quick trip!

I am SO loving that little puppy!

She gets so much attention everywhere we go. Puppies are like the ultimate social lubricant. People see her and burst into smiles. They gush over her cuteness with childlike enthusiasm They launch into "dog talk" without hesitation. "How old is she? What's her name? Is she a weiner dog?" Or their faces soften as they begin their detailed reminiscing;

"I had a dog. Her name was Lucy. She lived to be 16 years." etc


When I walk her, everyone I meet seems to have something to say either to her, about her, or dogs in general. One might even begin to believe that the even the crankiest, hardest, most suspicious of New Yorkers would be unable to resist her charms. I just love watching them melt.

Oh!

Lucky The Cutie woke up!

He had to drive his Uncle, who was next door painting, back home to the Bronx. (I thought he was going at 8:00pm but I didn't realize they had changed the time to 6:00.) I don't think I mentioned that The Cutie's mother bought an apartment in our complex and will be moving in within a week! That's so crazy! I wonder if we'll see her often? Her brother was here today painting her walls, getting the 1 bedroom apartment ready for her to move in.

Awwww.

Speak of the devil.

The puppy started pawing at my knees as I'm typing on my lap, and I picked her up to say "Hi." She curled up and promptly fell sound asleep. Her head is on my left shoulder, nuzzled under my chin, and her body is draped down ike a baby. She's so snuggly. I want to melt. Wish I could reach the camera to show you. I love it when she sleeps on my lap.

A couple days ago she woke me when she started pawing at her "cage" at 4am which she's never done before so I guessed she urgently needed to pee and I sleepily got up to take her out. When I came back, instead of getting into bed and putting her back into her cage, I sat on the couch, let her sit on my lap, but a blanket over us, and we both fell fast asleep. The cool thing was - I had the nicest, most happy and peaceful dreams! It was really amazing because just before I she woke me, I'd been plagued with unpleasant, bleah dreams - probably due to the anxiety and shame and guilt surrounding having walked off the office job. I think she comforted me. Is that annoyingly syrupy? I imagine it might be. Are you still reading this? I would be surprised because I think I've been typing for like, ever.

hahaha...

Well, if you are that die-hard, (bored?), (obsessive-compulsive?), (driven.....?) (what?) (you tell me!) Then I'll tell you that I am so proud of myself today! Why? Because I did something that is totally innane, and inconsequential to the average Joe - but to me - AMAZINGLY AWESOME?! What - you ask? HOUSEWORK?! Who the hell cares - you wonder? Because I am terribly domestically deficient! Because doing the simplest of tasks seems to require monumental momentum. Because I can't ususally seem to get myself to care. Or I just forget.

The Cutie was out of the apartment for a couple hours (picking up the Uncle) and I seized the opportunity and went to town! I whizzed around like a mad woman, hoping to sparkle it up so he'd be happily surprised when he returned. And by the time he returned, I'd finished 3 loads of laundry, all the dishes, thrown out all the trash-i, vaccumed, swept, and straightened up the kitchen which mainly involved throwing out The Cutie's 20-30 empty packs of Diet Coke.

So, today I think I rock!

When I don't do these things I feel so guilty. So ashamed.

But today I rock! I think I'm looking forward to when it happens again.

heh heh

What are you up to today?

Wanna have a competition - who can write the longest post?

I betcha so far I'm winning!