I suck

I recently, against my wishes, seemed to have developed a standard response for 95% of all situations and emotions that i encounter in life. Crying. Crying crying crying crying crying crying over everything. I am ....... so ....... sick ....... of crying. .......Crying cryingcryingcryingcryingcryingcrying over ANYthing. In this particular hour of the night, you'll find me surreptiously attempting to hide the fact that i am crying because i want to see my cousin's opera performance in the city at 8, but i missed the bus because i'm too retarded, i mean scared to find my way there on my own and thus procastinated so long i missed the bus. And by the way,exactly when was it that i became such a wussy again? I've been living more or less alone for the past 10 years and have always been extremely independant. Afterall, who was there to depend on anyway? I learned to enjoy going out to dinner and movies by myself as much as with company, maybe even more. So why does the idea of public transporation in New York evoke fear as powerful as it is irrational? Public transportation makes me feel so vulnerable here. How do you take a subway? Where do you get the tickets? How do you know where you're going and where to get off? How do you get a cab to stop for you? Each of the couple times i've attempted this, i've been yelled at for various inane reasons by agressive/impatient/high strung people - further imbedding me inside my timid bubble. 20 minutes until the next bus into the city. I'll be late but i suppose i could still do it. Now i'm debating - which would be more stressful, facing the unknown of going or the shame of staying home and being a wussy in front of D. Plus, i've been wanting to see my cousin perform for the past 20 years. I've always envied and admired his involvement in theater and now is he truly a seasoned professional. I so would like to see him.