Irksome Realization

I think i am a narcissist. An empty vessle. A black hole of neediness? ~Sucking up innocents, imploding them in my devestating wake. An embarrassing thing to come to terms with, let alone admit. But it seems I need constantly to be noticed and praise. I crave attention, strokes and coddling. I need to feel constantly "oohed" and "awed" over, cared
for. I want to be a star! Adulated and admired. Alot to ask isn't it?
High-maintenance, ridiculous, unreasonable, selfish, needy,
unrealistic? Overwhelming? Intolerable? Most likely a resounding yes.
Obviously meeting these expectations, these desires is an
impossibility which could be considered a cause for concern.

Perhaps i exaggerate a bit, but still, i have high needs for
attention. This is such a drag, and most certainly a burden.

I just saw something on TV regarding impressionable young women striving to be centerfolds. Starry-eyed, women who strip for predatory photographers in hopes of landing a contract. Interesting commentary by one man, "All women want to feel worthy of love." By posing nude and knowing thousands of men are looking at their images, they're filled with a sense of self-worth.

Its sad. Sad. Overwhelming sad. This show he's watching. The commodification of women and their bodies. Reducing them to a conglomeration of parts. The pervasive, universal pressure of perceived physical (mental/emotional is irrelevant) "perfection" which is adestructive to the soul. The pressure of plasticity and surgery and drugs. Its all so sick. So desparatley destructive. All for what? Happiness? Yeah, right. Acceptance? The cruel joke becomes unveiled once the illusive desire gets pushed farther and farther out of ones grasp.... Then the realization, its as unattainable as the dream is plastic... Empty and souless. Doomed towards ever increasing levels of despair as the hole continually remains empty.

Since i moved in with D i've veen watching a massive amount of televesion. 80% of what i've seen seems to be related to sex; ranging from double ententrees (sp?) to blatant nudity and fully displayed intercourse. From what i've seen, it appears we're a nation obsessed. I'm not sure its healthy. Not the nudity, or sex per se, but the level of obsession and dehumanization. The mass marketing of women as prodocts to feed men's inadequate egos.

And what happens when that "perfection" fades with time? What happens when we age and "lose it." Time to be discarded? Our worth now lost? Are we as dispensable as our drive-thru, prepackaged, plastic soceity.

I find this all terribly upsetting on a very deep level. Its unresolved for me. I need to work it out. I think also its a major barrier for me in terms of losing weight.