Shock of Shocks

Met with the VP today for over 3 hours. The first time we've ever spoken ever, with the exception of "hello" as she passes by on her way to meet with my direct supervisor. Who could have guessed ~ she's progressive and personable, open to ideas and well-intentioned! Between this and the frightening surprise meeting with the President last I feel, for the first time since starting at this college, an actual sense of optimism about its prospects. And my suspicion that my immediate supervisor is the root of most insanity has been infinitely supported. I can't tell you how validating this felt. Empowering even. In addition, upon hearing of my 6 month struggle to get a response from HR department, and the ultimately being shut down regarding starting a Masters at the college, the VP said in an instant - "No problem, when do you want to start?! Now? January" I was stunned. Thrilled. Finally beginning a (free) Masters program is definitely a concrete incentive to want to stick around for more than today. And in multicultural education no less. Highly highly cool. And in this moment I feel GREAT.

Reaching

Again, in pain, he sleeps. I'm browsing and haphazardly buying domain names - searching for inspiration. Tuesday he has an appointment with a new doctor we hope will be the one to save him. Cautiously optimistic, we play the lottery of life.

Weekends are hard lately. There is so much time and nothingness. I'm weepy and lost. Despondant and frustrated with the tedium. Looking at Victor's Bautista's stunning photos reminds me of my love of photography. Some day I will have a camera and photoshop and unleash my passion. Reading my herofriend Elizabeth Briel reminds me of far away places. Beautiful and enchanted artistry. Reading today's junk mail reminds me if only I had "Bowflex" I could dream of being fit. Driving past the Yoga/Tai Chi place on the way to Starbucks reminds me that I could begin classes and become spiritually grounded. Listening to the car radio reminds me of my inner musician and that I could some day have instruments to play and space to create.
And then I return to our room and our giant plasma tv and we sit and we stare and the days go by.

wickedpoplock

My stomach was in knots

Called down by the president to discuss a rash of complaints coming into his office about our office not picking up phones. Of course, not our fault: 3-4 people can only physically pick up and help so many people per minute. (We average 25 calls an hour from students, parents, community members and staff). And its
just
too
much.
Thankgod psycho boss is gone for 3 weeks on vacation.
But even this respite from tyranny is not enough.
Being angrily summoned by the President is icing on the pestilient cake.
And specifically me. Why me? I mean, WTF.
Turns out, the next morning he revised the meeting to an invitation for lunch for the 3 of us and we closed the office and nervously went. We joked about packing our things and bringing our purses to make for a smooth departure after receiving pink slips.
Turns out, he just wanted to "talk" and hear our thoughts. Bullya!
As I encouraged my coworkers to come as prepared as possible with our OWN agenda (regardless of his) since we have much to say about what is wrong and what needs to be improved (which ultimately we pay for as being the front lines dealing with the irate public at the office ineptitude, disorganization and unresponsiveness), remarkably, it turned out we actually had an opportunity to discuss it. And even more remarkably, even MIRACULOUSLY
HE WAS TOTALLY ON THE SAME PAGE.
He was funny, and down to earth, and endearing.
AND HE WAS 100% TOTALLY ON THE SAME PAGE with everything we said.
Total exact opposite of psychosupervisor.
Oh it was such a relief.
And today I feel a sense of hope that I probably I haven't had since starting there over a year ago.

seriously

how surprised would u be to learn that i frequently consider stand-up comedy?

reading my dribble i bet you'd never guess.

but u know they say comics are often miserable people

insatiable

hello.
it is 4am.
the cutie is sleeping to my right.
i am listening to katg - something he just discovered and now follows religiously.
what is the word now?
angst?
self hate?
confusion?
probably disgust.
i'm too dissatisfied to sleep. i need to fill myself with something. i'm hungry. for.
for.
for.
for what?!
researching domain names. maybe i could start a website? with what content? but that would be weird and self absorbed? and why would i do this? art work? music that i haven't yet created and likely won't, yet feel i ought to and would like too? writing that would be too revealing to use my real name? some sort of business idea?
shit.
real estate? organizing. paint it pottery. dance that i'm too fat and out of practice to teach. doggie daycare. photography. whatever.
whatever.
shit.
i'll likely not amount to crap. i hate to give up. but. my fortune cookie reads "life points to big things as unattainable". i've maybe now adjusted and begun to believe in the joy and satisfaction of a healthy, loving relationship. it took a while to believe in the cutie's love for me. 3 years last wednesday.
3 years since we met at his apartment door.
so what's wrong with me. why then do i feel empty?
the shitty shitty unhealthy job? no real friends to speak of? family far away in every respect?
i have love but still feel alienated.
what is wrong with me
do i need a hobby? something to do? a way to not hate myself?
reading this reminds me to find a counselor
i think i'm going downhill
again.
oh god, how many times have you heard me say this?

inexplicably grumpy. again.

i did lexapro for several months and i strongly suspect it helped me.  because in this moment i have that i-wanna-cry-for-no-real-good reason feeling that i used to have so often.  i think i need to call someone and get a real presciption for real.  (i was just borrowing someone else's who wasn't using it).

 

i hate this feeling.

 

besides that things are ok.  pretty good, i guess. i can't complain.  the only really sad thing about life is that The Cutie is in pain all of the time.  that is terrible.  as bad as it can get.  to see someone you love never feel quite comfortable.  every day is a struggle for him. terrible.

 

but, we have a nice, safe place to live.  a job that pays a living wage.  a beautiful running new car.  the cutest, sweetest doggie on planet earth. and most importantly each other.  what more can i ask for?    i feel blessed by the universe to have met the Cutie.  and i wrote him today to tell him so since last night he said he felt bad because he thought i was unhappy or that he was a burden because of his poor-health.  that's so sad.  i'm so sorry that he has to think such things.  why can't i make him better?  :( . . .

 

.......other news: i've gained back the 50 pounds that dropped off my first year with him.   it feels terrible and heavy.  i am uncomfortable and its hard to move.  i don't know what to do and feel overwhelmed by the burden of it and sometimes i'm so depressed i feel like giving up caring about my weight at all.  well, in a way i guess i allready have. 

 

i think it's best i get back into counseling. 

 

and i've been saying this for a couple years now.

 

july 26 (i think?) according to the Cutie will be our anniversary.  he's so good about remembering it.  i would have absolutely no idea if it wasn't for him.  isn't that sweet that he remembers?  i think it is.  i think its been 3 years.  i know it can't be 4 and 2 sounds like too little. yes, it must be 3 years.  can you believe that?   shocking.

 

i wonder when we'll get married. i wonder what it will be like and where it will be.  i wonder how fat i will be and what i'll look like in the dress.  i wonder if i will be sad because i'll be so fat that i'll ruin the once-in-a-lifetime opportunity and have fugly photos. 

 

arg so depressing.

 

i'm at work right now.  i'm almost always totally on task and working my butt off. i'm driven and crazy-effient while i'm here.  i have can honestly say that i am excellent worker. but not now. not in this moment. i am writing because i am trying to help myself. i am trying to boost my mood and feel better.  i am trying to remove myself from this fragile state of mind. 

 

again, i repeat myself when i say, i miss blogging.  and i do.

 

i miss it alot!

 

Inaction breeds doubt and fear.
Action breeds confidence and courage.
If you want to conquer fear, do not sit home and think about it.
Go out and get busy.

--Dale Carnegie

RP -It's you!

oh my RP, that's worrisome.  saturated, you say?  zoinks!  sounds like you may not think this is a good idea.

 

and on a side note, I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU STILL READ ME!!!

 

YAY!

 

That makes very happy.

 

It's great to hear from you!  (and i hope my impeach button didn't offend you too too terribly)..  funny, i thought of you when i posted it.. =)  

Are you sick of it?!

Make your voice heard!

I wrote in and received two nifty responses from congress, including the following...

Thank you for your e-mail.  It is very important to me to know the issues
that are of concern to you.  A growing number of my constituents are now
choosing to communicate with me via e-mail.  I hope you will understand
that, because of the volume and range of e-mails I receive, it can take
some time to send a response that specifically addresses the subject
raised in your message.  I do, however, want to let you know immediately
that your message has been received.  Hearing from you and others through
e-mail helps me to quickly learn the views and interests of  New Yorkers
and others, which is very helpful to me in my work in the United States
Senate.   I hope you will continue to monitor my work through my website
at http://clinton.senate.gov, and I welcome hearing from you.

Sincerely,

Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton 

Nice

PhizzyPhat

Inspiring

I'm so tired, I feel like passing out right here on my desk.  I'd guess this is because during the last 2 weeks of "vacation" (spent at home on the couch in front of the computer/tv), The Cutie and I stayed up until the wee hours of the morning, (his typical schedule but not mine).   Now that I've been so rudely re-introduced to my job, I'm

struggling to readjust my time clock.   

 

Did I tell you that starting taking a Real Estate course?  It gives me something to do/learn/sorta dream about.  I have fantasies of fat commissions, indendence and helping people. Is this realistic or close to true? 

 

I don't know.

 

What worries me is the repeated warning from prospective agenices that I must be able to live off savings for the 1st year.  Is that even possible?  

Spying is fun!

Cool Time Square "Earth Cam"

Interview with Mary Murphy - (You Think You Can Dance)

TVGuide.com: How much depends on their physical appearance?
Murphy: If they're not well groomed, if they look a mess, it starts giving us a picture of what they really feel about themselves, so of course appearances are everything. They need to walk on that stage with all the confidence in the world, because if they don't, I'm not going to be very confident in them, either.

TVGuide.com: That's good to know. What other advice do you have?
Murphy: The absolute biggest tip I can share is that if you have any great signature moves, don't mess about, get to it. It's too often that dancers keep padding a routine with hardly anything, and then all of a sudden they have this fabulous move towards the end. A lot of times we will cut you off, so we never even get to see that move. We usually make up our minds in less than 30 seconds about whether we want to see you come back or not.

TVGuide.com: How much depends on their physical appearance?

Why are the British so much funnier than we are?

VOTE NOW: Should Vice Presdent Cheney be IMPEACHED?

TELL CONGRESS WHETHER TO IMPEACH VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY OR NOT

On April 24, 2007, U.S. House Representative Dennis Kucinich introduced
H.Res. 333, calling for articles of impeachment to be sent to the U.S Senate
with regards to Vice President Richard B. Cheney.

We have created a VOTING action page on this.  We want maximum participation
so we can reflect the true sense of the American people.  Please vote
whether you support impeachment or not.

ACTION PAGE: http://www.usalone.com/cheney_impeachment.php

The grounds of the proposed impeachment are that the Vice President:

  1. fabricated a threat of Iraqi weapons of mass destruction,
  2. purposely manipulated the intelligence process to deceive the citizens
and Congress of the United States about an alleged relationship between Iraq
and al Qaeda, and
  3. has threatened aggression against the Republic of Iran absent any real
threat to the United States, all in detriment to the national interest of
the United States.

If you are an established commentator on the internet or elsewhere, and you
have arguments to submit on either side of the issue, please email back with
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Please take action NOW, so we can win all victories that are supposed to be
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Indigo, remember

Give love to be loved.