(My BOSS, that is.)

I'm so

 

so

 

 

 

so

 

 

 

 

 

 

tired of it.

 

 

 

 

 

So

 

 

tired.

 

 

 

 

Job after job. 

 

 

The degradation.

The dehumanization.

Who am I to them?

Garbage, I imagine.  Not worth a second thought.

He Yelled at Me

For no reason.  But then does it matter?  What if it was for a reason?  Does that give someone the right to humilate you?  Treat you like nothing?  Like a meager nobody?  A serf? 

My Current Self Affirmation

I have to remember to say it to myself periodically throughout the day as I tend to torture myself with piercing doubt and fear and apprehension.

Don't worry
I don't need to do something more or different or faster or better.
I'm GOOD ENOUGH - they way I am.
And if by chance it happens that its not what he wants, i don't have to take that on and believe that I'm a lesser person because of it....

I just returned home from yet another stupid stupid stupid job interview.  I don't even know why I went.  Why did I go?  It was a referral from a employment agency that I accidently went to because I responded to ONE of their ads on Craigslist for an Executive Assistant position.  Honestly, I don't even know which ad it was since I've applied to so many by now.   I don't hear back from most and I don't give them a second thought.  I just keep sending sending sending looking looking looking.  And what am I looking for?  A stupid job I don't even want.  A job I think I can almost get but will pay twice as much as I was making working in social services.  A job that's brainless, boring, uninspiring, and highly invisible.  That's me.  The invisible worker.  Pay me and I will be your office slave!

We done did things!

First we went to a doggie meetup in the city! The Cutie drove like a maniac (in my opinion) and I almost puked from terror of his raging driving. But, fear not, we made it. We arrived and OOPS, it was French Bulldog day - not
day like we expected! But neverfear-no worries. We came back the next day and this time there were in face at least 20 other
with their humans!

Haha, look at what i just found on accident while surfing for doggie pics. Psychotically cool!! The Cutie said its going to give him nightmares... haha! Click the link! (You won't be sorry.)

On the way to the meetup, I saw something crazy in the corner of my eye. Some sort of wild flurry of sorts. WHAT IS THAT?! I excitedly exclaimed to The Cutie, but he was too busy swearing at and dodging crazy New York cab drivers who were swerving to and fro. There was a furious bobbing about and some sort of white confetti in the air above the heads of a crowd of people packed together that looked like this (but street level):






And can you guess what it was? The Cutie didn't believe me when I said it... I had to race home and look it up on the internet... And sure enough was right. Can you guess? Can you guess? Should I tell you now? Do you want to know? Ok I'll tell you..... It was a.....

PILLOWWWW FIGHTTTTTT!!!!!

Yes! That's right. A PILLLLLOW FIGHHHHT!!!!! HA!!!!






Yes, a real live bonified New York City pillowfight. See it here .






I so love New York City.


I mean, how cool is that?!




So..... we've been watching alot of Olympics, The Cutie and I. And is it just me, or is the ice skating Gerry Springerish this year? IE: the italian couple that tripped on top of each other at the end of their routine and then conducted a stare down in the middle of the ice in front of an international audience. Then, they waited for their scores and scowled, slouched and refused to make eye contact with eachother. And then, today, before starting their last routine, they STILL weren't looking or speaking to eachother! Now that they finished a moment ago, they were kissy faced buddies again, embracing and making nice. Huh?!

Anyway, all of this ice skating business got The Cutie and I plotting... HOW ABOUT GOING ICE SKATING? It sounded fun and we agreed to going for it, but to be honest, with The Cutie's back, and fatigue, and pain, I didn't really think it would happen. BUT GUESS WHAT!

WE WENT ICE SKATING!!

Perhaps not a big deal to most, but a blood-tingling mind-blowing hair-raising rip-roaring like-WOW MIRACLE for us. And I was SO scared. Sooooooo scared. The last (and only) time I've been skating was when I was about 10 years old. I thought for sure I was going to kill myself. I thought for sure I would be utterly unable to stand up on the ice. I thought for sure I was going to continuously fall leading to broken bones and painful paralyzation. The Cutie on the other hand, I found out, is an avid skater having been on an ice hockey team as a youngster, and he patiently held my hand, guiding me around and around the rink, dodging tiny tot landlmines thickly scattered every few yards. (And we thought we were so smart going on a Monday to avoid the crowd! Didn't think about it being a holiday and all.) But it was so fun anyway. I've been thinking about it ever since and can't wait to do it again!

Things That Annoy Me

Kirstie Alley's diet commercials.



To be continued.

Okay Z, so now what does it mean?

What is your learning style?

Funky Food Things Of Late

Sneaking.
Compulsive trips to Starbucks for drinks I barely want.
Buying, nibbling, then tossing after deciding I didn't even realy want the impulsive purchase anyway.
Great excitement for a moment alone to eat in peace.  Unobstruced- Unjudged
Looking forward to eating as respite.  Happy breaks from frustrating, unhappy, stressful days.
A reward
A "treat"
A way to feel good
A diversion from.....all
Waiting and plotting and looking forward to the next enounter

Blizzard!

The puppy nipped out a few of her stitches which caused me to brave yesterday's storm to purchase her emergency first aid supplies, (and diet coke for The Cutie.) But first, a little digging was required to access the vehicle. Check this out!


(This is a car.)

(From the back)


View from the front, looking over the hood



Side view - (from a front angle)


And dammit, I have a cold! It really messes up my bragging rights. I love being able to gloat how I haven't been sick in 6 years. Now I've got nothin. 101.6 temp on Friday left me a bit light headed and sniffly. No fever now but a scratchy throat. Being sick brings back childhood memories of staying home from school drinking "pop" and watching daytime tv on the couch. I always felt so nurtured by my Mom when I was sick. She'd buy me coloring books and crayons. Popsicles. Even gave me a little bell if I had a sore throat and couldn't call her!! It's no wonder people become hypochnodriacs with such loving treatment and attention.

Did you get snow too?

26 inches over here by some estimates. Wow! I must say, I do love snow, it doesn't bother me at all! I think I'll miss it if we move to the dessert in a couple years as The Cutie desires.
He had his second back decompression last week. So far, no positive results, although they say it can take up to two months before the effects take hold. We're cautiously hopeful I guess you could say. Though honestly, not very optimistic. If it doesn't work, the next step will be real, bonified surgery. A dangerous, difficult step we've been hoping to avoid.

Are you watching the Olympics?

We've caught some iceskating, speed skating, women's ice hockey (sweet!), and the ::cough cough:: embarrassing opening ceremonies. I tried to maintain a positive outlook about that too but come on, plastic life sized cows? And waltzing milkmaids? For the OLYMPICS??! Not exactly grand, and inspirational. (Though funny!)

So I've been avoiding posting lately because I've been so MAD and frustrated lately. Mostly about the job situation. It just seems like I'll never get a break! The latest frustation is with the new job at the college. Once again I had the rug pulled out from underneath me after it turns out 1) it will pay much less than I was led to believe and 2) they still have to publically "post" the position which means 3) its back to the drawing board, ONCE AGAIN as the job is not officially mine as I was also led to believe. At no point was it suggested that the job was not offically mine - I was put on payroll, given a staff ID card, staff parking sticker, and even added as the Asst to the Pres in the college directory!!! It was already a sacrifice to work only part-time during this "transitional" 5 month phase and now after all this time to find out it may have been for nothing anyway - well - its just SO FRUSTRATING!

Will I ever get a job?!

(And I'm not even talking about a good one.) Just A job.

I really want to have more than 83 cents in the bank!

Aye Carumba!

Feeling Restless

Again.  I don't want to go to bed.  Why?  For no reason.  Because something is missing.  I need "to do" things instead.

Exercise me

Since getting the puppy, I see the world through new canine filtered lenses.
For example, I just realized that I think I'm like a working dog.  I need a job
to do.  Otherwise I get out-of-shape and bored.  Like a working dog I crave
discipline and the enjoyment of achieving a physical task.

Sound Pollution

attacks me!   Constantly!  I need quiet time, to reflect.  On and on the television blares: obtrusively erupting into my head.  My biggest barrier to blogging, I think.

10 good reasons to Eat Organic

I always say, kill em with kindness!  Go ahead!  Love it up!

Nothing is personal.  So don't take it that way!

Would you like to "decrease acts of human insensitivity?"  Paying it forward is the opposite of paying back.

Want better teeth?  Make love, not  war!  More reasons to just DO IT! (The nasty, that is.)

Did you know

there is no such thing as time?  There is only now.  The past and future are one.

I think I'm gonna move my blog

so I can speak more freely as I miss the therapeutic value of venting and emoting freely without concerning myself with real life reactions.  If I do, would you like to the address?  Please drop me a line indigoshmindigo@yahoo.com and I'll keep you posted.  I just feel like there's so much I ought to be saying....

Bored.

bored bored bored bored bored.

Electric Piano

I'd like to get one!

Today was my 5th day at the new job

So far so pretty good though its NERVE WRACKING. I'm inordinately jittery and must work hard to mask my neurotic sheepish inclinations and while my talkative, personable coworker is supremely supportive and seemingly like-minded we also share some less fortunate traits such as existing in a constant state of timid terror. Boy that was a log sentence. Actually, I've worked towards reducing my anxious responses over the years and have managed through cognitive restructuring to stay considerably calmer than I would have been before. The trick will be, I think, to stay conscious, and not allow myself to be triggered. I've been thinking about meditating too. Or studying qi qong again. In my extremely limited experience with qi qong I found it to be - AMAZING. Extraordinary. Almost otherworldly. Although the time wasn't right to continue, the exerience definately stuck with me as something worthy of revisiting. I feel a need for regrounding. Centering. Getting focused on being a good person and life affirming values. I would like inspiration to inspire. I want to be a better, more loving, giving person. Calm. Quiet. Still.

I also started an O. Dance class in the city! Once a week and a different style which my original teacher may find upsetting - but goodness - I've finally decided after many years, it's better than nothing at all which is what I've been doing. I think. I hope. My fear is (or my teacher's fear is) that it will "corrupt" the purity of her style - what she's taught me. I still haven't decided which is worse - my not telling her I'm taking the class and risking her losing face by stumbling upon it somehow through the national grapevine - or being appropiate and respectful and telling her and her being pissy and bitter about my questionable loyalty. Honestly, at this point, the latter would be pretty crazy since I haven't had regularly lessons for like, 6 years....

I don't know.. It's a bit of a dilemena for me. And actually I don't even know that I like this style anyway. I guess I'm just desparate. What I really need to do is get into shape. I could always rehearse on my own with a bit of motivation/drive/support/discipline. Where am I going to get that?

Do you have some you could spare?

Feel free to send it to me anytime:

indigoshmindigo@hotmail.com

PS: I miss this blogging thing.

A day off and

what will we be doing? 

Recycling the (I-kid-u-not) 6+ trash bags (as in - the  large black hefty bag type) of empty diet coke cans that have accumulated in our small studio apartment kitchen.  AS WELL as the extraneous grocery bags in the car/kitchen overflowing with cans.  At .05  cents a shot, the Cutie and I are wagering as to just how much moila we're gonna score off feeding them into the noisy/stinky Pathmark recycling machines.   He's going with 60 bucks.  So I'm gonna go with $60.01 Show-Case-Show-Down style.   Hey - this is serious buisness!  Winner takes all!  And after last months measly 28 hours of work & xmas purchases I'm hurtin!   Bad.

Anybody got some extra cans?

Donations accepted.

So, I started my new job last Thursday.  Did I tell you that yet?  I can't remember.  My office/receiving area is so crazy huge.  Vaulted ceilings, gigantous chandelier, couch, oak panneled cabinets, FIREPLACE, oriental rug, etc.   Its so... so......austere.....  Formal...... Intimidating!!    I kinda feel like I'm playing house or something.  Or should I say work.  Though I can't say I ever pictured myself working in someone's formal living room before.  I didn't interact much yet with The Pres. because he was highly busy, and stressed, and running back and forth.  The most he did was point out two wooden boxes on his desk: "In" and an overflowing "Out."   He pushed his hands under the foot high stack, handed the files/letters/documents to me and turned back to whatever he was typing on his laptop and I scurried back to my palace where I sorted it all into two of my own piles:  things I can figure out what to do with, and things that I don't have a clue what to do with.   Hopefully next time I go through this exercise, there actually BE something in the first pile.  

I wish Mary, the retiring woman who I'll be replacing in 6 months, could overlap with me now.   I mean, what's the point of my working 2 days a week now without a hint of direction or assistance?   At least my coworker (the Pres' 2nd assistant) is ultra wonderful.   I think we'll figure things out together since she's relatively new herself.

And as for the 2nd job from Hell in the medical office.  I let the Doc know about my second job to which she had no real reaction with the exception of asking, "is it just the hours or is it that you're unhappy with it here?"   And I said (very diplomatically), "BOTH."    I didn't know if I wanted her to pursue elaboration or not as at this point, I'm so enraged about her condescention and nasty insensitivies that I don't know how I could be honest without berating her.   I've dissapointed myself a little bit since therapy I've been really wanting to focus on speaking up, expressing anger and airing my truth.   Obviously, its a journey and won't happen over night.   Knowing when and how much seems to require alot of judgment calls.  There are so many variable to weigh in regards to the consequences.

I started the new job on Thursday.

How was it? It's hard to say quite yet.. Very unusual beginning....
I didn't do much other than snoop through filing cabinets
and stuff to orient myself. No one is there to train me/tell
me what I should be doing yet. The President simply pointed out the
out and in boxes on his desk then handed me a rather
large stack of papers/letters/correspondance/files. I guess I
was supposed to figure out what to do with it all. Haha.
Not gonna happen. I pretty much left a pile for Mary,
The woman who's position I'm taking who'll be back on
Monday.

The office setting is intimidating! But good I think?
My coworker if fabulous. Very down to earth and really
seems to appreciate me to no end. (I don't know why!)
Its nice to see people I recognize in the halls. The level
of friendliness of the school is UNREAL. The president
seems stressed but laughs alot which I like. I'll know more
soon.