I'm trying SO hard to not berate myself today.  Your supportive comments are really helping to keep me focused on not hating on myself and feeling like a major jerk.  The next step will be figuring out I can get some clothing that I can wear to this job.  What a stupid thing to have to think about.  But unfortunately it could be quite a challenge.

Yay! (?)

Ok, so this is the deal.

I did it.

I DID IT!

Can you believe that?!

I DID IT!!!!!

I woke up feeling like the worst, most awful, terrible, unkind person in the world. I felt STUPID! SO STUPID! Like I made an impulsive, stupid, childish, cowardly move. (I left the letter, my keys, 15+ resumes of previous admin applicants, instructions as to how to find things on the computer and in the desk, printed duplicate copies of all the work I'd done there, a copy of orders I made and updates on what needs to be ordered now, contact lists of his clients and vendors/contractors, etc)

And then I mentally reviewed the circumstances and reminded myself that it was justified, I had a right to take care of myself, I'm not responsible for the effects of his bad behavior, it's ok, I don't owe him anything, he'll be fine and I can be easily replaced ETC and then

I WANTED TO BASH MY HEAD IN

STUPID STUPID STUPID STUPID STUPID STUPID!

STUPID!

And EMBARRASSED!

I WANTED TO CRAWL INTO A DARK DARK HOLE FAR FAR AWAY AND LOSE MYSELF.

I was obsessively worried about his reaction. I slept as long as i could and tried not to wake up. I didn't want to think about it. I wanted the whole thing to just go away. IT DIDN'T HAPPEN. I DON'T CARE ABOUT ANY OF IT. WHO CARES. GOODNIGHT.

And then - what am I getting so worked up about. It's just a job. And he'll see me as just an employee. Why make a big deal out of it when it's not, (says The Cutie.)

Right.

11am - He should just be getting to the office now. Is he reading my letter right now? Right this minute? What is he doing? Is he freaking out? Is he despising me? Thinking I'm lowlier than scum? Is he disgusted? Does he think I'm pathetic?

And, why do I care again?

And who is this person to me?

And why do I so willingly give away my self worth to any person that crosses my path?

Why don't I put up a fight for myself? Why do I just give up?

Anti-wife and Seakitty, you left me such awesomely supportive comments today. I can't possibly thank you enough. Anti-wife, your offer to help me draft a letter blows me away! That is just - its so incredibly nice. SO INCREDIBLY NICE. THANK YOU to everyone who's offered their feedback the past couple days on this situation: Zatoad, JM, Critic... I'm not exaggerating when I tell you each of them has helped me SIGNIFICANTLY. You made me believe that I wasn't crazy or totally off-base - and had a right to feel uncomfortable. I really needed that extra vote of confidance. I needed your help.

THANK YOU.

Seakitty,

How could you be more correct?! How could you know me so well? You're absolutely totally right, I have "shown this man no reaction at all."

AT ALL.

None whatsoever.

I've simply smiled and looked on calmly as he babbles his outrageous accusastions and illogical nitpicking.

"he thinks the world is about him and him being upset and him and his difficult life and oh poo, poor fucking him. we all have problems. he feels sorry for himself."

ahhhhhh!

"i think you'd feel good about experimenting with confrontation. what do you have to lose? be indignant. be sarcastic. be funny about it. be assertive about your sensitive nature. be yourself."

Yes! That's what I want! Yes! Yes!

Yes!

I want to be indignant! Sarcastic! Funny! Assertively sensitive! MEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!

Yes!

Erm, next time though I guess. Heh. One step at a time? Well, at least, I HOPE this was a step? I don't know really. Maybe I should have stayed a little longer and practiced standing up for myself. Maybe this is running away. I don't know exactly. Maybe I'm just rationalizing this as a good decision to relief myself of the burdern and fear of doing that - confrontation. It's soo so scary.

BUT - it's my friggin workplace.

Who NEEDS that?!

Life is short.

I want to be around nice people.

(Without problems? Issues? Who don't make mistakes? Who never melt-down/freakout/say nasty things?) Well, I guess that's not realistic.

Where do you draw the line?

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

That said -

G U E S S W H A T!

GUESS WHAT GUESS WHAT GUESS WHAT!

G U E S S W H A T!

I just got an email from the temp service lady(!!!) (I turned off my phone because I'm terrified that the scary evil bossman might try to call me) and GUESS WHAT! She has a FREAKING JOB FOR ME! SHE HAS A JOB FOR ME! SHE HAS A JOB FOR ME!

And it starts Monday morning!

Yessssssssssssss!

Can you freaking believe that?

I'm so happy! It will be 2 to 3 weeks working at an Academic Advising office of a local college for a "really nice guy" (per the Temp Lady.)
She said 3 times that she was excited (to finally give me a job?). Well, Temp Lady, I'M EXCITED TOO!

I guess the goddesses are smiling on me today.

It certainly did change my mood!

=)))

Is this crazy?

I decided to at least draft a letter before I left tonight to see how
it would feel. Now that I've done it, I'm seriously considering doing
it! Am i making a mistake?

How does it sound?...........

Dear Bossman,

I can't tell you how regretful I am to do this, most especially at
this very difficult time for you, but I can not continue working with
you under the circumstances that have existed in the office of late. I
had envisioned staying and helping as much as possible for as long as
possible, but I feel somewhat compelled now to leave.

Please let me explain – I know you're under a lot of pressure right
now and I truly empathize but yesterday when you became frustrated by
"not getting a real person" on the phone and threw it against the
wall, quite honestly, it frightened me.
On other occasions when you've slammed things onto your desk, or
suddenly yelled out when getting a busy signal or were upset, I've
found myself unable to stop shaking for long periods of time.

Am I being overly sensitive? Maybe. This is a hard time for you
and I don't blame you for having a hard time maintaining your cool
after due to tremendous cumulative stress and mounting frustrations.
It's likely that you're simply stretched beyond your ability to cope.
I understand. I don't mean to be inflexible or have unfair
expectations. People have bad days. You're having a bad stretch.
And like all things it will probably soon pass. So, if my leaving
appears petty, or ungrounded I do want to sincerely apologize to you.
But, nonetheless, the discomfort exists, and some time ago, I made a
commitment to myself to extract myself from negative environments
after having been enmeshed in them both personally and professional
far too long.

I'm sorry.

In addition, I should also tell you though, that I have found your
feedback to frequently more closely resemble ridicule than
constructive feedback. And although I believe it to be unintentional
on your part as I think you are a very nice person, (that I like!)
quite honestly, it's unacceptable. The frequent mocking tone has left
me feeling not only small and unappreciated as an employee but
disrespected as a person.

So although my leaving may come as a surprise to you, and may also
anger you, I do hope you'll understand. How can I generate enthusiasm
about coming to work if I'm anxious about potential unexpected
outbursts or being unfairly criticized? I do wish you all the best
as you finish up the work on your house, deal with strained personal
relationships, and difficult and demanding clients and hope that
things settle for you soon. You have a tremendous amount on your
plate – a lot for anyone to deal with!!!. I think everything will
work out for you soon though.

Best wishes to you,

Indigo

In a way

it might be good for me to stay. It will give me lots of practice
asserting myself when he's rude or unfairly critical. Maybe I should
stay?

He's back.

I like my desk. I like the quietness (when he's gone) and the
independance (he's often gone.) I like being in the city and getting
on the subway. I like organizing things and making myself projects.

Oh and

I like sneaking in emails!

heeharr

But...

It's not all bad.
Maybe I could just try to ignore him?
I mean, there are good thing about it here.
Maybe I'm blowing things out of proportion.
I don't know.
I need a job.

If he didn't owe last week's pay

I'd have half a mind to escape right now. I'd write a letter like
anti-wife suggested (since he
can't read emails), leave it on his desk, and
run
run
run
like the wind.
I'd run far far away.
I don't like it here anymore. I gotta get out.

But i NEED that money!

Bad.

What am i going to do?

So here I am

Back in the office again. Typing out contracts. Boy was it hard to
make myself come in. When I opened the door and smelled the
distinctive dusty musty odor of this place, I almost turned around.
"Skip this place!" I thought to myself
And then I saw that the office door was allready opened.
Great. He's here.
I braced myself and walked in apprehensively. What are we going to
find today, I wondered? Good humored chuckling? Hysterical
outbursts? Petty attacks? Joviality?
Luckily after he sarcastically joked about my time of arrival
(insinuating I was late according to when I told him I was coming in
which is ridiculous because I didn't give him an exact time in the
first place when calling this morning. I said I was waiting for my
ride and probably won't get there until after 2:00 to which he said
"Ok - sure - no problem - I probably will get there about the same
time too.") he handed me some papers to type out and dramatically
lamented how he'd "been WAITING for me to get there" and then left to
"do an errand."
Um.
He really had to WAIT FOR ME to get there to hand me 4 papers? Was
it that serious?!
Jeez!
Anyway, I've finished typing the stuff and thought I'd sneak in a
quick post via my email.

Am I going to say anything to him? Can I do it? What will I say?
Will he understand? Will he freak out? Will he scream at me? Maybe
worse, will he ask me to stay? Oh god, that would be awful! Then
what!? In a way, him being a jerkoff kinda helps me because honestly,
this commute and lack of hours and pay is killing me anyway but I
would have felt so guilty about leaving him in a lurch. He's just
making things easier for me.

And what about giving notice? How can I not do that? But more
realistically, how could I work here for 2 weeks under circumstances
that would likely be even more inflamed than they allready are now
should I tell him I'm leaving after such a short period of time here.
I mean, this guy is totally a mess. I'm not exaggerating when I
tell you, he doesn't even know how to TURN ON a computer much less use
it. Without an assistant, he can't really access his emails,
voicemail, nothing. There are lots of files on this computer that he
won't be able to access rendered him helpless in some ways.

That's terrible!

He needs help!

Oh gosh..

Listen to me.

Do I sound wishy washy or what.

Oy vey.

Reminds me of many other situations in my life. Brings up so many
other personal issues for me.

(Do I have enough time now to explore that? He will be back any minute.)

I think perhaps my biggest issue right now though is money. Remember
how I said I only have $30 to my name? Make that $7 dollars. Yes,
$7 dollars in my bank and I used my ATM card to buy a Jamba juice for
breakfast/lunch on the way so acutally - it's probably like $1.

HAHAHHAAH

OK. That suddenly sounded funny to me.

I have ONE DOLLAR.

How incredibly humorously pathetic is that?!

Oh my goodness.

What am I going to do?????

I called the temp service that I registered with months ago and asked
if they had any jobs in yet. Of course, they said no. Again. In
fact, they've never had anything in. How do they stay in business?
Do they have ANY clients? It's strange, I've done temp work many
times before and never experienced anything other than a plethora of
jobs to choose from. Why is this one different?

I did find however online today a list of half a dozen other temp
services in this area that I hadn 't known of before. Maybe I could
just register with all of them like a crazy woman. Surely SOMEONE has
something for me?

I am so scared.

"I swam to the office."

This heart-wrenching post tells in great detail of one man's harrowing experiences in New Orleans; how he stayed in 8 feet of flooded water to save his pets, how he was held in a violent refugee camp like a prisoner and had to sneak out and walk 30 miles with bloodied feet to escape, how he was surrounded by the hungry, dead and dying, while still managing to experience gratitude and great appreciation for the kindness and goodwill around him. It's an amazing "must-read" post.

What I really want to ask is - am I being to sensitive?
Is this normal behavior that I should just get used to
and toughen up my reactions?

I don't really know anymore. What's right? Is it me?

I need your advice

I need perspective and I'm very interested to get some outside
thoughts about this situation. I'm in the office right now with the
boss. As I've mentioned before, he says he's under tremendous
pressure from his family and clients which is clearly spilling over
into his demeanor here. Of course, since I've been here only a short
time (1 month), I'm unfamiliar with his baseline behavior, but as of
now he is highly volatile - erupting unexpectantly when frustated by
being put on hold or when he gets a busy signal on the fax - yelling
expletives with tremendous volume Then he'll turn and look at me
strangely (guiltily?) and then return on a dime to yucking it up on the phone and chuckling
with clients as if nothing ever happened. It's spooky. It makes me shake.
And each time it happens it puts me on pins and needles as I attempt
to prepare for the next unexpected outburst. What does he think
of himself? Is he embarrassed? Does he care? Does he think it's
okay? ?!!?

On multiple occasions he'sslammed things around his desk.
Today he he unleashed his fury by throwing his telephone
full force against the wall. He also seems to pick
on me at times. It's hard to explain, but its in ways that are
entirely petty and unreasonable. Today he suggested that I "was
spaced" out because of certain things that would be absolutely
impossible to have known about short of reading his mind are being
privied to all sorts of info and conversations which I have not been.
It's ridiculous and although it would be really hard for me to do,
right now I feel composed and comfortable and rational
enough to let him know his actions have and do make me uncomfotable.
I am thinking about leaving now for the day,
or even quit if the conversation goes sour. Who needs this at the
work place? Come'on. I commute 3 hours a day for 4 hours a day
of work and 12 bucks an hour for this?

BUT - He's allready having a miserable day and stressful time. I'm
sure the behavior is unintentional. When he talks about how is whole
life is shit and crumbling around him, how can I not feel sorry for him?
I don't want to make things worse. What if my quitting makes him
have a meltdown. I mean, he can't even handle being put on hold for
goodness sakes! Maybe he just needs a little leeway right now.
How much leeway do I allow before throwing in the towel? I want to
take care of myself too and this feels right now horrible. Horrible.

I don't know.

What do you think?

Sample Goal (43 Things)

I like this one.

43 Things

I've heard there's something miraculous about committing your goals to writing. It's almost as if you clear a path towards success that you never thought possible. And guess what - I found this cool site that facilitates such a process.

Check it out!

I may revise my tentative list , but in the meanwhile, I've added it to the sidebar for easy access and will import entries from it to here. (The site offers an option to post here, through them..) Pretty cool, huh?

Wanna join me in working towards your dreams?

Let's do it together!!!

That would be so incredibly cool....

How To Be An Artist

from this fun and whimsical website.

---

Stay loose. Learn to watch snails. Plant an impossible Garden.
Invite someone dangerous to tea.
Make little signs that say 'yes'! and post them all over your house.
Make friends with freedom and uncertainty.
Look forward to Dreams. Cry during movies.
Swing as high as you can on a swing set, by moonlight.
Cultivate moods. refuse to "be responsible".
Do it for love. Take lots of naps.
Give money away. Do it now.. The money will follow.
Believe in Magic. Laugh a lot.
Celebrate every gorgeous moment. Take moon baths.
have wild imaginings, Transformative Dreams, and perfect calm.
Draw on the walls. read every day.
Imagine yourself Magic. Giggle with children. Listen to old people.
Bless yourself. play with everything.
Entertain your inner child. You are innocent.
Build a fort with blankets. Get wet.
Hug a tree. Write love letters.

That's My Cutie!

It takes a special person to set aside his own concerns and physical aliments and extend a helping hand to those in need.

The Cutie has volunteered.

And the paperwork is being processed now. He'll likely be driving busses in the near future for the ravaged New Orleans community. A sorely needed skill that he just happens to have.

I know, I know - he rocks.

::giant proud grin::

I sure wish I could go with him.

Katrina

You may have noticed that rarely, if ever, do I comment on current world events. I suppose that this may be interpreted as a lack of interest. The truth is, usually it's because I don't feel qualified to comment, or like I have don't much to say that's unique, or sometimes - its simply too distressing. Politics, global strife and natural disasters - they leave me without words. And so - like my real life, I opt to say nothing at all. 9/11, the Tsunami and now Katrina -what is there to say? I do agree however, that the situation is reprehensible. An outrage. What's the point of goverment if it can't alleviate a crisis?

Hope or Fear

Therapy and an innate desire to understand human behavior and
subconcious influences has led me down the path of constant
introspection. I thought that by understanding my own
motivations and shadow side, I'd be more able to fully accept and
understand others'. I thought that if I healed myself, I'd be in a
better place to help facilitate other peoples healing. But, am I losing
focus? How do I balance self-reflection without becoming self-absorbed?
I really want to give more. I want to put out more good energy.
I want to do something good for the people around me and my
community. Sometimes I'm so wrapped up
in my own head - its dizzying. I'm discouraged by my recent
sarcastic cynacism and nastiness. Am I trying to be cool or
something? It makes me feel bad. And sorry.

Awww!

That felt good!
What a release!

I'm so

so

SO

TIRED of playing "Counselor" to my bosses who complain and and bemoan
their horrible misfortunate fates. K. would return to the office
and sit - talking each day for hours - HOURS every single day to me
about his customers, his work, his personal life, his family,
everything. All the while I listened. Patiently and calmly.
Comforting and soothing. And honestly, its not that I minded - its
just that - well - if I was good enough to unload on and seek
constant, thorough and daily detailed pyschological support - wasn't I
good enough to respect? Or how about pay as much as his
"Electrician's Helper" who had zero experience and only a highschool
education? Surely i was worth at least as much as that! I did so
much for him. And now this guy wants me "To do 80% of his work." He
wants me to be responsible for nearly every aspect of his business and
to "Treat him like a child. Tape post-its to his collar and remind
him where to go." And how about when I would comfort K. (and now
the new Bossman) - sympathetic about their "desititue" and distressed
financial states? I shouldn't, but can't help but to compare our
situations:

Bossman: Multiple cars, 6 figure bank account, (I do his books) 4
story 5 bedroom home, Cape Cod vacation home, own business, high
earning CEO wife.... E T C

TO:

ME:
$50. (The sum total of my current resources which will have to pay
a phone bill, student loan, rent and food for the week.)

It really hit me the day while conversing with The Cutie's mother
about applying for school grants when I described my situation: no
property, no assets of any kind, no money and she exclaimed, "Oh yes -
you could get grants. You're POOR! !!"

And you know, I really hadn't thought about it like that before! I
guess I really am? I mean, what DO I have? A shelf of old clothes,
a box of books. That's it. That's what I have. Everything else is
hand to mouth - or The Cutie helping me.

And can I just tell you how discouraging it is to where the same
clothes 3+ times a week? I know it's materialistic of me, and it
shouldn't matter , but... it's just - ?

I'm tired of it. Tired.

I'm thinking about what Art school would be like lately. Is that
crazy? I've been walking past an art store everyday from the subway
to work, and it gets my wind wandering. Finally the other day I said,
"what the heck! I'll just go take a quick peek." And I did. And it
was SO INCREDIBLE. By far the coolest, most comprehensive art store
I've ever been in. It was so inspiring and exciting. And you know, I
find just being in New York City is very creatively inspiring.
Sometimes I'm like - "How'd I get here? Am I here? I can't believe
I'm suddenly here!" And I think about how this is supposed to be
like the creative center of the universe. And I'm here! I could do
anything really. This is the place to do it! So, why not do
something! Why not start? I could do almost anyting and be so
excited and happy: and art class, dance class, theater class, yoga
class, qi qong, ANYTHING! Everything's possible here! Why not? I
could audition for a film! Why not!?

Burning

I'm so
DELIGHTED
to not see The Bossman for the third straight day. Wednesday I took
off to help The Cutie with post wisdom tooth extraction comfortation,
Thursday he never showed up (YES), and today he just called and said
he's too busy at his home renovation/rebuilding project to show. YES!

Yessssss.

For Tuesday left a highly displeasurabe taste in my mouth. (Perhaps a
cross between canned sardines and goat terds.) I felt he was nasty,
condescending, and unfairly critical. True he's supposedly in a
nervous-wreck state due to financial strain, marital strife, and the
pressures of building his own home - and I want to extend as much
courtesty, and patience and over helpfulness as possible ....BUT......

I deserve to not be put down or treated poorly too.

Right?

Especially not for $240 and 15 hours of commuting a week.

Wednesday, I really wanted to use my new awareness and skills to speak
up for myself. To express my feeling about his condescention and
verbal attacks. I wanted to SO BAD! But, I couldn't because I was
too busy struggling not to crack and maintain composure. And even if
I was able to not get upset (Translation: cry), what exactly would
have I said?

WELL, I've been obsessing about exactly that for the past 3 days!
Trying to find the perfect words. Replaying the situation over and
over again in my head.

It makes me so MAD!

Who does he think he is? Who do all my past bosses think they were?
Why have so many men, over and over again feel entitled to belittle
and dismiss me? Is it me?

Is it me?

Is there something wrong with me?

AM I truly incapable?