Roasting

Sweating like Niagara falls on this godforsaken 300 degree day, I've
been trying to appear as invisible and preoccupied as possible while
The Boss pitches to a potential new client across the unairconditioned
office. The banter makes me nervous. The Boss makes me nervous. The
concept of working (with people) makes me nervous. Why do I feel so
childlike so often? Awkward. Silly in these pretentious black boots
I can barely walk in and so wobble noisely back and forth before them
retrieving documents for their whims. Playing make believe.
Employee. "Adult". I used to be so good at "Faking it Till I Made
it!" I believed it myself! And then there are times seemingly from
no where where I suddenly am imbued with an overwhelming sense of
confidance. "There's nothing wrong with me! I'm fine! I'm as smart
or capable as anyone else walking on this planet!" And I can look
people in the eyes and inadvertanly add a hint of swing in my hips.
"I'm just a little more timid is all. Who cares!?" Ok, alot more
- but surely I can grow out of it! ? Like my little doggie
learning to potty in the grass, I'll acclimate and learn to negotiate
this looming city. I'm taking the subway already! I mean, its not
like I've always been like this - right?..... I was GIFTED, they
used to say. I could do anything, my 6th grade teacher gushed. The
"ideal Evergreen student" my professor lavished upon me. Did that
change? When Who am I now? A fumbling bumbling peon? Hard pressed
to adequatly complete the simplest menial tasks? Or a brilliant bud
dormant with boundless untapped potential. Sleeping or dead.
Fireworks or fizzle. When do I figure these things out?