Catcalls and Phonebooks

I feel a little lonely in the office today. And bored. And highly
resistant to productivity. Or effort. I feel like eating candy
without reason. Why? I'm full! I would to find some sort of eating
disorder aftercare support group or something. I've been having
challenges. I fear I'm forgetting my tools. I could use a little
help. I don't want to slip back into bad habits and ways.

On the long walk from the subway station to and from work, guys be
whistlin at me like everyday. Or exclaiming. Or making googoo
eyes. (On the rare occcasion that I raise my gaze from the
sidewalk.) What is this about? It's delightfully gross.
Disgustingly exciting. Does it make me cute? Or simply female.
Still 60 pounds above my ideal weight and bewildered, I asked The
Cutie. He said probably the latter. Stangely dissapointed, I
secretively cling to fantastical theories of mesmerizing unsuspecting
bystanders with my dazzling, radiant beauty. Maybe I should take on
the roll of Sexy Siren anyway! Be happy with myself NOW and not only
upon physical shrinkage. Not just satisfed, but CELEBRANT! I'm a
fattie hear me roar - check these hips and start to soar! Women need
it - to love themselves despite petty media images. To witness other
women who carry themselves gracefully and with pride, and provide an
alternative glimpse into the possibilites of a divergent reality
where we are unobsessed with size.

Damm right.

Anyway.

I've been purging my cell phonebook of outdated numbers. I started
after having scrolled through sitting on the train, looking for
someone to call. You know, just to say

"Hi."

To see how they are.. To remind them that I cared.

But after whittling away coworkers, ex's and casual acquaintances,
I've found there aren't too many people left - relatives/friends of
The Cuties, my folks, a landlord in Hawaii that I want to give money
to some day when I have it, my brother and my 3 friends. "Best"
friends whom I haven't spoken with in over a year. Best friends whom
I haven't emailed.

And so I called.

Finally.

Life passes you so quickly. You neglect the people you love most and
before you know it, it's too late. Things have changed or they are
gone. What does it mean to have a friendship? Is that state of
being that always exists: irrespective of interaction? Or should it
be a verb, like "love" that is what you do and how you act as opposed
to merely a feeling. How much friendship do you need to sustain you?
How much is required to propel a healthy relationship forward?
Would you recongnize the signs of inattentiveness if they were
surrounded you?

All three numbers were disconnected.

After multiple unanswered desparate emails to find them, I am crushed.
Scenarios run through my mind involving years of internet people
searchs and countless cold calls to state after state where I tensely
dial and strain to hear a familar voice - one which resembles the long
lost friend I don't deserve to find. "Hi, My name is Indigo Blue
and I'm trying to reach Jbean R. Foolaso?"

These are the signs. These are the signs I've been remiss. I've done
something wrong. Or should I say, I've done nothing which IS doing
something wrong.

Don't neglect the people you love. Don't let them fall by the wayside
in deference to your "busy life" or unbusy, or distracted, or
unmotivated, as the case may be. No matter how good your intentions
are, life rolls on, and over you if you're not careful.

Afterall, what do we have without loved ones around us?