Job Search

I'm officially starting my job search. (Finally?) I've signed up at one temp service that seemed a little fishy and tomorrow i have an appointment at another one in the city! I use an exclamation point because "in the city" is still a big deal for me. Highly intimidating. Big. Confusing. Ok fine - scary. I said it. Plus, what the hell am i going to wear? I don't know if i mentioned before - when i moved from Hawaii to The Cutie's studio in New York, i came only with one carry-on suitcase. Everything else was discarded or given away. Save about a dozen boxes of my few prized posessions (books, DVD's, journals, artwork, camera, 4track) that are STILL in Hawaii. You see, i had, true to Indigo Form, packed my shit and scatatalled in a hurry, desparately longing to arrive in the arms of this new life and lover. That meant that even a couple hours before my flight, i was frantically packing and taping boxes like a madwoman, sweat pouring from my head. The plan was to load my car (that i hadn't yet gotten rid of) pick up Danny, (the ride barely secured from a friend of a friend), we'd swing by the postoffice and then continue to the airport where i'd then sign the car off to him and he'd continue on his way. He'd send me a check for a couple hundred dollars later. (Supposedly but i wouldn't hold my breath.) It didn't exactly work out like that. Now my stuff is decomposing and collecting mold in his garage (nearly a year????) later. I think about it every day.

What was i talking about again?

Um. I have to go back and read the last paragraph. One sec.

OH!

SO I HAVE NOTHING TO WEAR!

I think i had a couple boxes of clothes and shoes and stuff, but they're still in Hawaii. Although i hadn't been wearing my business suits and formal whatnot for a several years since i dumped my last office job, i held on to it nonetheless, (i think?) just in case. Gosh, honestly i can't even remember if that's true.

Did i keep that stuff? ACK! I don't know.

Anyway, it's irrevelevant.

What am i going to wear tomorrow?

I have an appointment at this fancy, upscale office in Manhatten and but i'm embarrassed because i don't think i'll fit in. I have no money (or desire to spend money) on stupid business clothes. Besides, if i keep losing weight, it will be a waste. I'm wearing the same clothes as i was wearing 50 pounds ago although maybe i look a little silly? I'm not sure. I did splurge and buy new jeans while at the Guru's. But much more than that, i would be very hesitant.

I hate to waste money. I hate to waste nice clothes. I hate to make an investment in a size that may change within a couple months!

So what about tomorrow?

And how am i going to get there?

What am i going to say?

Am i really qualified for any of their jobs?

Would there "HIGH-END" clients tolerate someone like me? Fat and funky. Am i responsible enough? Capable enough? Organized enough? Confidant enough? (HAHAHAHA)

I'm not fashion-conscious. At all. I have no desire to be. I'm far from skin and bones. Projecting a certain "image" almost disgusts me. I don't want to be a corporate cog. However, i wouldn't mind making good money. I wouldn't mind dressing up ONCE IN A WHILE. I guess mostly i don't want to be a slave to a machine. I want to be my own person and own my own life. I want room for creativity and growth and kindness. I want my life's work to be meaningful and worthwhile. I want to love and give to people. Not pad other people's bank accounts or be an errand-girl. So what if i can type real fast and follow orders.?! Big fucking deal. Shouldn't i be doing more than clerical bullshit? And if so, then what? And if so, how?
And if i'm this intimidated by the prospect of being an errand-girl cog - what realistic plan to i have to supercede that?

I have some thinking to do. Plotting.

But first thing's first. I go to the interview and i do the best i can. I don't concern myself with the outcome. That's not the point. The point is expanding myself and trying something that unnerves me a bit. It's not allowing other people's perceptions of me dictate how i feel about myself or who i am. It's knowing i am perfectly fine regardless of anything/anyone else. I am worthwhile. Kind. Loving. Good. I am success by the nature in which i live my life, not because of the "achievements" i collect and display upon my wall.

Right Omega?!

;-)

Right.

I'll be okay.

I'm not going to worry.

It's an adventure.

I'ts going to be fun.