Dear Donna

Reflections on Fear & Self-Worth. Perfectionism/Control

Yesterday I struggled to answer your question, "What is the fear re: calling your Aunt," and the only thing that came to mind was, "the unknown". Today almost immediately after the fishbowl began I thought, "Oh! Maybe I could have/should have done this!" (The unknown) And both yesterday's experience essentially being your coachee, and today's fishbowl showed me that although every question might not hit as equally powerfully, it in no way minimized the overall value of the session. There was no judgment there. No tragedy. Only appreciation and growth.


Also, getting to experience firsthand the fearless, direct way in which you followed your gut while posing probing questions was an extremely interesting and helpful experience. I discovered, as "client", that not only was this a welcomed approach, it was a liberation - permission to cut the bs & speak powerfully in truth. "My intuition is NEVER wrong." Is a statement that rang out and continues to resonate long after you so boldly asserted it that still makes me laugh. So great! I want this confidence!

Fasting

I think its time. Bloated and poofy. Distended belly alarmed me last night. The heaviness weighing down.   Mentally. Moving slower. Mood - not so great.  Old dusty gray depression cobwebs creeping dangerously close.  Looming threateningly overhead.   

The good news though,  is that i now have this amazing tool readily available at my disposal.  This is what I can't forget.  And not only that - the simplest solution possible.  So simple - it doesn't even require action. As a matter of fact - that's the crux.  No action!  No food!  No nothing!  Who could have imagined what a huge life changing fact.  

Day 1? 

Maybe?

I'm not 100% sure. 

I think so?  

Let me see. 

Seems like a good idea. 

But... 

?

Not 100% sure?

Thinking about it.   Just today?  10 days?  Every other day?   Not at all?   I feel like I need to decide and make a plan. But... 

? 

Can I really do it again? 

I'm hungry. I'm sad.  I'm still feeling off.  Grieving the loss of my friend.  Grieving the loss of support from mm.  Grieving the loss of momentum of my new cp.   Can I come back?  I know that I can.   

Right? 

Yes? 

Of course. but. 

. 

......

what are the steps.  what's first. what are the priorities. how do i not feel like a piece of shit.  (do i need to not feel like a piece of shit in order to start?)  .... seems like a chicken or the egg situation.  I feel like i have to just keep plotting ahead, and the belief and mood and positivity will grow like watering a garden.  

i think i need some plants. 

love this. being here again.  

Courage

Where does courage come from?  Are you born with it? Is in innate?  Developed over time? Is it a personality trait?  Is it learned?  To what degree? 

I'm just asking because I'm thinking maybe it's some quality that's been with me since childhood. And something that separated me from my immediate family. We see and act in the world in different ways. Our perspective and mindset is different. It's manifested in ways that made our paths look different.  Mine mainly - the road less traveled.  Not more "successful" by any stretch. Far less. That said, it *has been more connected.  Honest.  A slow burn.  But a true fire.  No,t a single temp electric heat lamp plugged into a wall. Pros and cons to both, obviously. Nonetheless, it's interesting to think about and wonder - what has been the impact of this single characteristic over the course of mylife? 

Dream

i volunteeeredt to make 3 to make the 3 20 somethhing strangerss/acquainiteances meals for a week. all fresh and packaged and healthy.  a service. homemade and perfect.  all from fresh produce. nothing packaged  or processed. an experiment. i could throw in a few extra portions and there was now my food for the week, and brothers too.  why not?  a good exercise. and who knows - it could be fun orhelpful or lead to something bigger. its a test. ractice. i stepped away and asked my mom what she thought. she ignored me. she ddidn't respond. i asked her direct question. she looked away . nrefused to respond or acknowledge. or even look at me. i became distraught.  i don't even know why i felt the need to ask her opinion anyway. its not as though i needed it. but for some reason i did and even more inexplicably, lost my mind   after getting what i got.  went into a full scale rage. wanted to run away. dreamed of packing my things and leav==and running hiding leaving for good.  where i was , i have no idea.  but i know i wasn't comfortable or happy or safe.  felt unappreciated. negleted. alone. misunderstood. unappreciated. disrespected.  angry and hurt 

we were sitting in a car .  in the giant cavernous, garage?  it was dark. the car was parked.  there was a dog sitting in the back seat. it looked like my dog, but it wasn't her. it was an unknown. a stray   something happened. i forgot what. but i let it out of the car because it disappointed me . there was something it didn't know. so i put it outside and watched it walk away. a felt a little bad andguilty. but didn't reverse course. 

my brother was in drivers seat. narrating. 

wow.

missed this. missed u.  wow 

i look bad.

 i mean really bad. no joke. i really mean it. bad. like when i say bad, i mean like holy-god-whatthefuck kinda-bad - on that level. that's the real truth. not exaggerating. 

at. 

all. 

i know it seems dramatic. 

but. 

its just the truth. and i really wouldn't lie to you, i swear. this shit is crazy, and it happened so fast.  age 46.  decaying. floppy. flippedlyflableflopflop - that's the sound my face makes when you see it.  just like = when did that happen?  how is it real? is that really truly MY face?  why?  i don't understand it.  

i mean, its sounding very judgmental, but in truth its not. its a description really.  its honest.  its what i see in the mirror without interventions - makeup. attitute. clothes. reasonable hair. (i shaved half of it in a bizarre sudden unplanned impulse a few days ago.  the last of my disguise - stripped bare. 

now just an exposed sagging neck. thick neck. manly jaw (with tumor), thick brow, wide round cheeks and infamed blotchy skin.  winkled leathery forehead and brow. 

omg my fingers are so cold typing this.  this place is incredible and awe inspiring. but holy shit, cold.  these huge sweeping glorious windows overlooking the busy street - feel paper thin.  definitely no built for living in.  but no complaints.  just stiff fingers, that's all.  

anyway. 

I'll be right back. 

cool. 

<3

Omega

1. If you had the knowledge that a future child of yours would be a mass murderer or tyrannical dictator, how would your morality guide you?

2. What musician (alive or dead) should write a song about you, what would the song be named, and what would be the context of the song?


3. You wake up one morning to find you are the only person left on Earth. Describe your reaction and approach to survival.

4. How much of your identity is based on who is around you and your setting, and how much is determined by your mind?


5. In your opinion, how is a civilization's worth measured?

...This thing on?

Age 46.   The end of the Great Trump Pandemic 

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