The thoughts and ideas are tumbling in fast. Just experienced my third life coaching session with the talented and awesome C.... Brainstorming...
I felt SEEN. (Call-back to my first post here....)
What is: wanting to feel seen? What does this mean?
Is this almost primal? Wanting a legacy? Wanting a life to mean something? To be remembered? Valued? Is this why people have kids? Write novels? Crave celebrity status or fame? Or want to accumulate? (Money, and things, and....)
What is feeling seen?
The validation of my existence?
Not being alone?
Bridging a connection to another human being?
Feeling understood? What is feeling understood? The reduction and lifting from the burden of shame.... Feeling normalized and "OK"? ....I don't know...
SHAME as a re-occuring theme in so many aspects of my life: self-talk re: my projects (they're "cheesy/silly/embarrassing")... (She noticed & called me out on this)... The influence of SHAME on my career choices/and lack of choices.... SHAME in regards to my self-concept/weight/self-esteem. The impact of SHAME on my social life - being avoidant. And just generally, the constant presence of SHAME in my daily internal-dialogue.
Re-vitalizing, and renewing my commitment to multiple projects, not just photography. Including this blog.
And I am already forgetting.... What else was there?
MEMORY CHALLENGES. Confusion. The need for structure and a schedule and routine and goals. The challenge of timelessness in our home - closed curtains, darkness, TV, completely devoid of any sort of regularity or adherence to time.
The significance of POWER in relationships. Everyone holds a certain amount of power in the eyes of others. It's present in every interaction, and although unseen, influences everything! (IE: the power dynamic between employee/employer, men/women, white ppl/poc, teacher/students, patient/doctors, old/young, even tall/short people! everything! everyone!!! all the time!)... In this way, I feel like my relationship with C could be even extra helpful, because she holds a great deal of "power" because I've been aware of her for years previous to our meeting. I think this might actually inspire even more drive to be "compliant" and willingness to make and meet my goals, as defined together in our sessions. And this might be helpful, because, complacency is a huge challenge at the moment.
IE: Do I even care? About, ANYTHING?
.....IE: Losing weight, exercising, healthy eating.... "Do I even care?"
Why? I haven't had a very convincing answer for myself... I think it's safe to say, I need help with this. I need help caring. And who better to help than someone I already admire and appreciate, and trust. Who I'd like to stay connected with and to like me! (embarrassing!) ugh. gross.
My 6 assignments:
Is this a version of self-care?
I've never thought of it this way before....
When I sleep 16 hours, and sleep through the entire day, it's kind-of cocooning... I'm wrapping myself in blankets, and burrowing in.... Nothing exists. I'm untouchable. Can't be reached. It's disorienting &; upsetting, but maybe it's safe. It's escapism. Denial. Fear.
Creating small baby steps, and goals, and accountability... Those are lifelines that inviting me to reach out and step away from the abyss.... They're concrete, and powerful. Daunting & exhausting, but, life-affirming, and make sense. I want to go forward, because it makes sense. If I'm going to be alive, I might as well try to make it work.
I felt SEEN. (Call-back to my first post here....)
What is: wanting to feel seen? What does this mean?
Is this almost primal? Wanting a legacy? Wanting a life to mean something? To be remembered? Valued? Is this why people have kids? Write novels? Crave celebrity status or fame? Or want to accumulate? (Money, and things, and....)
What is feeling seen?
The validation of my existence?
Not being alone?
Bridging a connection to another human being?
Feeling understood? What is feeling understood? The reduction and lifting from the burden of shame.... Feeling normalized and "OK"? ....I don't know...
SHAME as a re-occuring theme in so many aspects of my life: self-talk re: my projects (they're "cheesy/silly/embarrassing")... (She noticed & called me out on this)... The influence of SHAME on my career choices/and lack of choices.... SHAME in regards to my self-concept/weight/self-esteem. The impact of SHAME on my social life - being avoidant. And just generally, the constant presence of SHAME in my daily internal-dialogue.
Re-vitalizing, and renewing my commitment to multiple projects, not just photography. Including this blog.
And I am already forgetting.... What else was there?
MEMORY CHALLENGES. Confusion. The need for structure and a schedule and routine and goals. The challenge of timelessness in our home - closed curtains, darkness, TV, completely devoid of any sort of regularity or adherence to time.
The significance of POWER in relationships. Everyone holds a certain amount of power in the eyes of others. It's present in every interaction, and although unseen, influences everything! (IE: the power dynamic between employee/employer, men/women, white ppl/poc, teacher/students, patient/doctors, old/young, even tall/short people! everything! everyone!!! all the time!)... In this way, I feel like my relationship with C could be even extra helpful, because she holds a great deal of "power" because I've been aware of her for years previous to our meeting. I think this might actually inspire even more drive to be "compliant" and willingness to make and meet my goals, as defined together in our sessions. And this might be helpful, because, complacency is a huge challenge at the moment.
IE: Do I even care? About, ANYTHING?
.....IE: Losing weight, exercising, healthy eating.... "Do I even care?"
Why? I haven't had a very convincing answer for myself... I think it's safe to say, I need help with this. I need help caring. And who better to help than someone I already admire and appreciate, and trust. Who I'd like to stay connected with and to like me! (embarrassing!) ugh. gross.
My 6 assignments:
1 Journal Daily: High/Lows plus
2 things: What I'm angry/happy about…. (identify it)…. show it to c if i want
i can repeat it the same ones every day, if need be, but, in new words, re-written
2 Exercise Daily: 1-10 minutes, (sun salutation, for example)
3 Meetup.Com research, lookup shows, anything social
4 Master list of goals & detailed: do 1 to 2 things from the detail list, and check off
5 Photography:
6 Be mindful of my personal negativity and oppose
How did she come up with these so quickly? How did she hone in, and identify, and assign, all within an hour? There's so many issues, and so many things I wanted to talk about with her, and so many things to share, and so many issues..... She cuts through the bullshit, and just fucking ASSIGNS. (How does she know if they're the right assignments?) But maybe this is exactly what i need. To just fucking START. Just some place to start. And cut through the "analysis paralysis" and "perfectionism" and the inertia.... And maybe it's much less important, aka, NOT important at all what it is my assignment is, but rather, that i'm simply DOING S O M E TH I N G.. That there is forward movement, and routine, and life beyond sitting and TV..... Holy shit. Pathetic. But true. ....And there it is! The shame, and negative self-talk... The mental poison that infects me. So, I will counter it: (As per #6 of my assignments).....
NEGATIVE SELF-JUDGEMENT/thought
"My current meandering floating life of nothingness/schedulelessness/isolation is pathetic/embarrassing/awful" (which is probably why i had so much anxiety/shame/embarrassment going into my call with C today. I want help improving, but, I'm ashamed of how much help I need. I want to be worthy? And to be friends? And to be liked?)
OPPOSING thoughts:
It is not pathetic, because......
What immediately comes to mind, is things like, "i can actually do better... I've done better before... It's just temporary... etc"... But, I actually don't think these are opposing the shame and judgment of being non-productive... These are just justifications that kindof sidestep the self-recrimination. I feel like I need to dig deeper here... Why do I have to be productive, and goal oriented in order to not feel ashamed? Would I be a bad person, or worthless if I didn't achieve? That's so sad and crazy. Of course not. Is my buddy a bad person because he lives in isolation, and watches tv every day? No! But, I do feel for him. It does make me sad. I want more for him in life. I want him to feel fulfilled and enriched, and happy. Is he now? I don't think so. Am I? Definitely not. But, at least he's not burdened with the added layers of shame that I heap onto myself....
"Floating in life is not pathetic because.... 10:52pm to 11:05pm I've been trying to complete the sentence, I still can't...
I'll try this...
"The BENEFITS of floating, and no schedule, and no structure are....."
Freedom? relaxation? less stress? self-indulgence?... a protected state?...
Is this a version of self-care?
I've never thought of it this way before....
When I sleep 16 hours, and sleep through the entire day, it's kind-of cocooning... I'm wrapping myself in blankets, and burrowing in.... Nothing exists. I'm untouchable. Can't be reached. It's disorienting &; upsetting, but maybe it's safe. It's escapism. Denial. Fear.
Creating small baby steps, and goals, and accountability... Those are lifelines that inviting me to reach out and step away from the abyss.... They're concrete, and powerful. Daunting & exhausting, but, life-affirming, and make sense. I want to go forward, because it makes sense. If I'm going to be alive, I might as well try to make it work.
I might as well try to make it work.
Life-coaching as an antidote to depression?
Being forced to be alive to and accountable, forward moving, and a surrogate source who cares (until i'm able to care on my own?)
Life-coaching as an antidote to depression?
Being forced to be alive to and accountable, forward moving, and a surrogate source who cares (until i'm able to care on my own?)
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