I don't like bitching, and I'd really prefer to not drone on and on with self-pitying egocentric trivialities, particulaly because I don't want to drive people away, or bore them, or create cause to dislike me, but...........
..................... Its kinda where I'm at right now. As much as I don't like that. So what's wrong with me? I mean, whats the main problem? Is there a specific character defect that I need to look at? Is it my perspective on life? Am I too stubborn? Indignant? Weak? Selfish?
Or, do I have a biochemical problem? Would medication be a magic cure? And if anti-depressants worked, would I need to take them forever to create some sort of calm or stability or do I simply need a jumpstart to fulfillment, happiness. Should I just give hope? I mean, when I think about it, have I been depressed for the past decade? Or, do I experience perfectly normal sad moments but overinflate their importance out of fear or hypersensitivity?
I don't know.
About so many things.
I want to help myself. I'm just not sure what to do or how.
One more day until I pick The Cutie back up from the airport. Its been super nice to be alone. (Not to say I don't love him to pieces.) But, I do think alone time can provide valuable clarity. Plus, I'm excited to be able to use his car and kinda look around where I live, something I've been wanting desparately to do since I first moved here as I still have a sense of not knowing my environment or where I am. Plus, I just like to drive! I do. There's a sense of freedom and joy that comes from movement. And I found a cool "Trader Joe's" store today (just down the street practically) and got to buy all kinds of cool and interesting foods. (I'm getting so tired of our local Pathmark & Shoprite: they're crowded, noisy and everyone seems so grumpy and unfriendly. Plain bad energy. And it gets to you after a while. Well, to me.)
In a moment (after this post) I'll go back out and return the feather bed I just bought from Marshalls for The Cutie's back (too small) and will look for a replacement as well as a new vacuum, (our's spits out more dirt than it sucks up.) I really like buying things that make The Cutie happy or more comfortable. Actually, I think I like getting him much more than he care about receiving them, but nonetheless..... I want him to know that I appreciate him.
The job is just so awful. Not sure if its as awful as I think it is, but I thinks it is!!! Just unpleasant. Nastiness. Snapping. Unfair blaming. Criticism. High strung nitpicking and pettiness. If I didn't think it would be a terrible bore, I might go into detail about why, but, maybe it doesn't matter. The other reason I might elaborate would be to get some sort of outside perspective, some sort of validation. But then, why do I have to prove myself? I don't know. To know I'm not crazy? Hold too high of expectations of people? Why can't people by civil? I become so infuriated during the day I want to snap back or stomp out fuming. But then, how would I be any better? Are all jobs going to be like this? It makes me just want to be alone for the rest of my life. I can't handle work if this is what is typical behavior. Or at least coworkers.
Maybe its me.
I don't know.
Maybe its me.
2 comments:
It probably isn't just how things are supposed to be...to be sad that is. Life shouldn't be like that. But, I'm a total believer in better living through psychotropic medications. They have literally saved my life a thousand times over. Sometimes I get down now and then (that's when I tend to bitch in my blog), but really, I am so happy most days it is unbelievable. For years I thought that I had to just suffer through life. Well, plus I was crazy too besides just being depressed as all get out. But really, modern medicine is amazing. If your doctor thinks it is necessary, I highly recommend going on medication, and so what if you need to take it the rest of your life? It isn't like you'll be shooting up heroin or snorting cocaine. These meds don't really give you a high, they just help you live a fuller life. I know I would be dead if it weren't for my family, my psychiatrist, modern medicine, my cats and my music. Seriously, don't listen to idiots like Tom Cruise going on about how all you need is exercise and vitamins. He is such a jerk and an ignoramous. He should live in a psych ward for about a month and then tell me that mental illness is some make believe thing that can be cured with enough exercise. Ahh. I digress, but I really want to punch him in the face. Medications and therapy can help a lot of people. I guess that's what I'm really trying to say.
Thanks for the thoughts Prof Student. I really am leaning towards doing it actually. Although, sometimes I have good days and then forget about it. Regardless, I need insurance first before I pursue it which could be quite a while. (When I get a new job.)
Post a Comment