7:03 am
D: sleeping a few feet away
Me: browsing the net on my lap in this lovely green velvet chair while taking a break from double digit hours of playing The Game
I hate going to sleep! i can't bring myself to do it!!
arg!
i'm tired, but don't want to sleep
feel like eating, but won't
did i mention i've lost 20 pounds in the past few months? (without dieting). i had a hunch something was happening as it seemed my rotund cheeks were deflating, my upper abdomen was losing curve and there felt an unfamiliar lightness when moving. kind-o-neat... Hope not to sabatoge it though once the loss begins to sink in. in the real world, thin-ness is scary to me. -The lusting gawks and invasive stares. -Boundaries permeated and inner world punctured. That aside, 100 more pounds would be ideal - particularly if they were to come off in the same fashion.... Through happiness, self-love and self-expression. Identifying and accepting feelings. 30 has been a year of restoration. What will 31 be come November, i wonder?

i never would have predicted a loving relationship could happen to me. I worry i'll lose it all the time. for a while i was afraid to leave the apt knowing i was bound to be hit by a bus. lately though, its appearing to be quite real. and he and i are settling into the concept that, maybe, just maybe, we're allowed to be happy and it will stay. sometimes i catch myself staring at him and tearing up - overcome with emotion. i try to identify what it is; joy? fear? sorr0w? intense gratitude? affection? Probably all of those.

he stirred. am i waking him?

i become particulary emotional when he's ill, lying still, grimacing in pain. my mind wanders; he doesn't expect to live past his 50's? that's less than 30 years. i'd wouldn't survive losing him. it can't be true. will a cure for diabetes be found soon? what's going to happen to him? its not fair. and how does one survive their lover being stolen by death? how did d survive it two years ago? how does that affect us now? every time i get a snack, the picture of them above the fridge reminds me of the unpredictable, fragile nature of life. it reminds me of the preciousness of the day. to not take him, and us for granted. i insist on kissing him each time we part company and chime out constantly throughout the day noting my boundless affections. its easy to waste life energy on arguments and fear, when really, put in another perspective those things would simply fade away.

he brings meaning to my small, simple life. he's opened up possibilites for the future that never existed. a new landscape of hope stretches wide before us.

its been a long time since i've i've felt this way