From My Buddy

"I hope to feel your breath on my cheek for all the long years

the grip of soft hand in mine, intertwined and at rest

a head with plush hair upon my chest

I am only for your sweet smile in this my everwhile

my life just piles of memories of us, to which I sort out the best

This is my great and simple dream for all these long years

 

I love you. "

"I don't know what your chances are in the outside world but in this car you're a veritable mack daddy."

Pathmark

I finally realized.
Pathmark is the Devil.  It is evil.  Through and through absolute evil and it is in need of a full exorcism.  Until then, I have no desire to go there again. 
I did however discover Whole Foods in White Plains this last week which was heavenly.  Healthy. Holistic.  And Happy.  I bought Nag Champa and a sparkely crystal that now hangs from my rear view mirror.  I felt at home and reminded me of so many happy college memories.  Although it's far away, I plan to go again and again and again.

LEEEEEEROY JEEENKINS!

The circumstances leading to the popular Internet video are debated, as Ben Schultz and his fellow guild members (Pals for life) have not confirmed whether the event was staged.

The video takes place in the Upper Blackrock Spire (UBRS) instanced dungeon in World of Warcraft, inside the Rookery room, one of the most notoriously difficult sections for newcomers to the game and responsible for countless wipes and other mishaps similar to the one depicted in the video.^[1] It opens with the guild members discussing an impending raid via audio teleconferencing, complete with regimented battle plan and statistical breakdown of their survival. One of the group stated they had a "32.33% (Repeating of course) chance of survival." With a response of "That's better than we usually do." The fastidiousness of their preparations is ruined by the sudden and unexpected actions of Leeroy Jenkins, who was away from his computer. After missing the entire conversation, Leeroy suddenly charges into the Rookery, yelling, "All right, time's up! Let's do this! LEEROOOOY JENKINS!" There is about a second of stunned silence from his companions, followed by carnage when they proceed to hastily attempt the attack (as Leeroy's actions have now alerted the monsters and aggravated them). The attempted raid (and video) is filled with a lot of confusion from the team to mount their original plan, as well as insults at Leeroy (such as "Leeroy, you are stupid as hell" and "goddamnit Leeroy!"), with Leeroy calling out, "It's not my fault". The battle ends disastrously, with all the guild members lying dead on the floor, berating Leeroy for his brashness. Leeroy's only response is, "At least I ain't chicken."

Beautiful Moments

November 13
Half waking in uncomfortable, cold dreams, unable to gather the thin sheet in my semi-consciousness. Vague far away sound of movement. I glance upwards to the thick comforter descending upon me as he smiles widely down at me and disappears as magically as he appeared.

my hair is a dirty mess & i don't care

i can't breathe. is something clogging my nose? is it the layers and layers of fat around my lungs and organs? i feel unmotivated to move, do things, study, exist. the cutie is sleeping although its the middle of the day. i just realized today that he is the only one in my life that i talk to but we in reality don't really have much to talk about. or so it seems. do i feel lonely? work and here. work and here. am i friendless? essentially i guess. maybe this is part of why i feel so down. am i bored? what can i do to enliven our days. maybe this is why i've gained so much weight. food is the highlight of my days. one of the few aspects to enjoy. how lame is that. i've been taking the cutie's extra antidepressants and i think that they did help. maybe now i need a stronger dose? i think exercising would help too, but doing what and where? i feel uncomfortable walking around this neighborhood. our studio is too tiny for equipment. gyms bother me. so what else? i haven't come up with anything although the need is becoming dire.

Sorry for my irresponsible abscense after those last posts.  That was sucky of me for the couple people who may still read me once in a while.  My Dad has recovered for the moment and doing fine. 

Life continues.  And I continue not blogging.  Nothing interesting in this moment to say. Nothing new. Nothing stimulating. Progressive. Regressive. Just nothing. 

Nothing nothing nothing.

Maybe later though.

Meanwhile, blah.

Email From Mom Last Night

Dad has been to see a couple different doctors this week, and is having several tests done, including a biopsy.  You remember the horrible eye and ear infections from about 2 1/2 weeks ago on our trip.  Now, he's developed several oozing blister-like sores on his arm, causing redness and lots of swelling.  They're testing for a Staph infection.  However, today, the dermatologist took a biopsy that he's sending to Seattle.  He believes there's a chance that Dad could have a more serious type of Leukemia (AML).  (He didn't like the steady drop in Neutrophils (sp?) in the blood tests.)  We probably won't know anything for about a week, but Dad would need immediate chemotherapy if this is the case. 

 

The sore arm does seem to be responding to strong antibiotics today, so that is good news.  This was potentially scary news, but remember it's not certain.  We'll just have to wait and see. 

 

Love,

Mom

Email From My Dad This Morning

Well, I can't be sure but I think I'm in trouble.  Thanks to my alert Dermatologist I hopefully will be early in fighting this new disease.  What I pick up is that it can be caused by a earlier Chemo....Go Figure!!!!!  My Dermatologist is going to recommend that I go to a doctor at the University of Washington.  I am going to go for that second opinion as fast as I can.. Regardless of what the test show on my arm I still have all the symptoms of AML..

 

Shortness of Breath

Back-joint pain

imature lymph cells

low level neutrophil  1.2

4 months ago ITP

WBC 3.6

 

This new round of chemo will be very strong as the success rate is not good...3 weeks to 3 months..  Acute AML

Shock of Shocks

Met with the VP today for over 3 hours. The first time we've ever spoken ever, with the exception of "hello" as she passes by on her way to meet with my direct supervisor. Who could have guessed ~ she's progressive and personable, open to ideas and well-intentioned! Between this and the frightening surprise meeting with the President last I feel, for the first time since starting at this college, an actual sense of optimism about its prospects. And my suspicion that my immediate supervisor is the root of most insanity has been infinitely supported. I can't tell you how validating this felt. Empowering even. In addition, upon hearing of my 6 month struggle to get a response from HR department, and the ultimately being shut down regarding starting a Masters at the college, the VP said in an instant - "No problem, when do you want to start?! Now? January" I was stunned. Thrilled. Finally beginning a (free) Masters program is definitely a concrete incentive to want to stick around for more than today. And in multicultural education no less. Highly highly cool. And in this moment I feel GREAT.

Reaching

Again, in pain, he sleeps. I'm browsing and haphazardly buying domain names - searching for inspiration. Tuesday he has an appointment with a new doctor we hope will be the one to save him. Cautiously optimistic, we play the lottery of life.

Weekends are hard lately. There is so much time and nothingness. I'm weepy and lost. Despondant and frustrated with the tedium. Looking at Victor's Bautista's stunning photos reminds me of my love of photography. Some day I will have a camera and photoshop and unleash my passion. Reading my herofriend Elizabeth Briel reminds me of far away places. Beautiful and enchanted artistry. Reading today's junk mail reminds me if only I had "Bowflex" I could dream of being fit. Driving past the Yoga/Tai Chi place on the way to Starbucks reminds me that I could begin classes and become spiritually grounded. Listening to the car radio reminds me of my inner musician and that I could some day have instruments to play and space to create.
And then I return to our room and our giant plasma tv and we sit and we stare and the days go by.

wickedpoplock

My stomach was in knots

Called down by the president to discuss a rash of complaints coming into his office about our office not picking up phones. Of course, not our fault: 3-4 people can only physically pick up and help so many people per minute. (We average 25 calls an hour from students, parents, community members and staff). And its
just
too
much.
Thankgod psycho boss is gone for 3 weeks on vacation.
But even this respite from tyranny is not enough.
Being angrily summoned by the President is icing on the pestilient cake.
And specifically me. Why me? I mean, WTF.
Turns out, the next morning he revised the meeting to an invitation for lunch for the 3 of us and we closed the office and nervously went. We joked about packing our things and bringing our purses to make for a smooth departure after receiving pink slips.
Turns out, he just wanted to "talk" and hear our thoughts. Bullya!
As I encouraged my coworkers to come as prepared as possible with our OWN agenda (regardless of his) since we have much to say about what is wrong and what needs to be improved (which ultimately we pay for as being the front lines dealing with the irate public at the office ineptitude, disorganization and unresponsiveness), remarkably, it turned out we actually had an opportunity to discuss it. And even more remarkably, even MIRACULOUSLY
HE WAS TOTALLY ON THE SAME PAGE.
He was funny, and down to earth, and endearing.
AND HE WAS 100% TOTALLY ON THE SAME PAGE with everything we said.
Total exact opposite of psychosupervisor.
Oh it was such a relief.
And today I feel a sense of hope that I probably I haven't had since starting there over a year ago.

seriously

how surprised would u be to learn that i frequently consider stand-up comedy?

reading my dribble i bet you'd never guess.

but u know they say comics are often miserable people

insatiable

hello.
it is 4am.
the cutie is sleeping to my right.
i am listening to katg - something he just discovered and now follows religiously.
what is the word now?
angst?
self hate?
confusion?
probably disgust.
i'm too dissatisfied to sleep. i need to fill myself with something. i'm hungry. for.
for.
for.
for what?!
researching domain names. maybe i could start a website? with what content? but that would be weird and self absorbed? and why would i do this? art work? music that i haven't yet created and likely won't, yet feel i ought to and would like too? writing that would be too revealing to use my real name? some sort of business idea?
shit.
real estate? organizing. paint it pottery. dance that i'm too fat and out of practice to teach. doggie daycare. photography. whatever.
whatever.
shit.
i'll likely not amount to crap. i hate to give up. but. my fortune cookie reads "life points to big things as unattainable". i've maybe now adjusted and begun to believe in the joy and satisfaction of a healthy, loving relationship. it took a while to believe in the cutie's love for me. 3 years last wednesday.
3 years since we met at his apartment door.
so what's wrong with me. why then do i feel empty?
the shitty shitty unhealthy job? no real friends to speak of? family far away in every respect?
i have love but still feel alienated.
what is wrong with me
do i need a hobby? something to do? a way to not hate myself?
reading this reminds me to find a counselor
i think i'm going downhill
again.
oh god, how many times have you heard me say this?

inexplicably grumpy. again.

i did lexapro for several months and i strongly suspect it helped me.  because in this moment i have that i-wanna-cry-for-no-real-good reason feeling that i used to have so often.  i think i need to call someone and get a real presciption for real.  (i was just borrowing someone else's who wasn't using it).

 

i hate this feeling.

 

besides that things are ok.  pretty good, i guess. i can't complain.  the only really sad thing about life is that The Cutie is in pain all of the time.  that is terrible.  as bad as it can get.  to see someone you love never feel quite comfortable.  every day is a struggle for him. terrible.

 

but, we have a nice, safe place to live.  a job that pays a living wage.  a beautiful running new car.  the cutest, sweetest doggie on planet earth. and most importantly each other.  what more can i ask for?    i feel blessed by the universe to have met the Cutie.  and i wrote him today to tell him so since last night he said he felt bad because he thought i was unhappy or that he was a burden because of his poor-health.  that's so sad.  i'm so sorry that he has to think such things.  why can't i make him better?  :( . . .

 

.......other news: i've gained back the 50 pounds that dropped off my first year with him.   it feels terrible and heavy.  i am uncomfortable and its hard to move.  i don't know what to do and feel overwhelmed by the burden of it and sometimes i'm so depressed i feel like giving up caring about my weight at all.  well, in a way i guess i allready have. 

 

i think it's best i get back into counseling. 

 

and i've been saying this for a couple years now.

 

july 26 (i think?) according to the Cutie will be our anniversary.  he's so good about remembering it.  i would have absolutely no idea if it wasn't for him.  isn't that sweet that he remembers?  i think it is.  i think its been 3 years.  i know it can't be 4 and 2 sounds like too little. yes, it must be 3 years.  can you believe that?   shocking.

 

i wonder when we'll get married. i wonder what it will be like and where it will be.  i wonder how fat i will be and what i'll look like in the dress.  i wonder if i will be sad because i'll be so fat that i'll ruin the once-in-a-lifetime opportunity and have fugly photos. 

 

arg so depressing.

 

i'm at work right now.  i'm almost always totally on task and working my butt off. i'm driven and crazy-effient while i'm here.  i have can honestly say that i am excellent worker. but not now. not in this moment. i am writing because i am trying to help myself. i am trying to boost my mood and feel better.  i am trying to remove myself from this fragile state of mind. 

 

again, i repeat myself when i say, i miss blogging.  and i do.

 

i miss it alot!

 

Inaction breeds doubt and fear.
Action breeds confidence and courage.
If you want to conquer fear, do not sit home and think about it.
Go out and get busy.

--Dale Carnegie

RP -It's you!

oh my RP, that's worrisome.  saturated, you say?  zoinks!  sounds like you may not think this is a good idea.

 

and on a side note, I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU STILL READ ME!!!

 

YAY!

 

That makes very happy.

 

It's great to hear from you!  (and i hope my impeach button didn't offend you too too terribly)..  funny, i thought of you when i posted it.. =)  

Are you sick of it?!

Make your voice heard!

I wrote in and received two nifty responses from congress, including the following...

Thank you for your e-mail.  It is very important to me to know the issues
that are of concern to you.  A growing number of my constituents are now
choosing to communicate with me via e-mail.  I hope you will understand
that, because of the volume and range of e-mails I receive, it can take
some time to send a response that specifically addresses the subject
raised in your message.  I do, however, want to let you know immediately
that your message has been received.  Hearing from you and others through
e-mail helps me to quickly learn the views and interests of  New Yorkers
and others, which is very helpful to me in my work in the United States
Senate.   I hope you will continue to monitor my work through my website
at http://clinton.senate.gov, and I welcome hearing from you.

Sincerely,

Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton