So far so pretty good though its NERVE WRACKING. I'm inordinately jittery and must work hard to mask my neurotic sheepish inclinations and while my talkative, personable coworker is supremely supportive and seemingly like-minded we also share some less fortunate traits such as existing in a constant state of timid terror. Boy that was a log sentence. Actually, I've worked towards reducing my anxious responses over the years and have managed through cognitive restructuring to stay considerably calmer than I would have been before. The trick will be, I think, to stay conscious, and not allow myself to be triggered. I've been thinking about meditating too. Or studying qi qong again. In my extremely limited experience with qi qong I found it to be - AMAZING. Extraordinary. Almost otherworldly. Although the time wasn't right to continue, the exerience definately stuck with me as something worthy of revisiting. I feel a need for regrounding. Centering. Getting focused on being a good person and life affirming values. I would like inspiration to inspire. I want to be a better, more loving, giving person. Calm. Quiet. Still.
I also started an O. Dance class in the city! Once a week and a different style which my original teacher may find upsetting - but goodness - I've finally decided after many years, it's better than nothing at all which is what I've been doing. I think. I hope. My fear is (or my teacher's fear is) that it will "corrupt" the purity of her style - what she's taught me. I still haven't decided which is worse - my not telling her I'm taking the class and risking her losing face by stumbling upon it somehow through the national grapevine - or being appropiate and respectful and telling her and her being pissy and bitter about my questionable loyalty. Honestly, at this point, the latter would be pretty crazy since I haven't had regularly lessons for like, 6 years....
I don't know.. It's a bit of a dilemena for me. And actually I don't even know that I like this style anyway. I guess I'm just desparate. What I really need to do is get into shape. I could always rehearse on my own with a bit of motivation/drive/support/discipline. Where am I going to get that?
Do you have some you could spare?
Feel free to send it to me anytime:
indigoshmindigo@hotmail.com
PS: I miss this blogging thing.
2 comments:
honesty is the best policy! .. uhm, with a bit of tact, of course :)
you can do it! :)
i think you'd feel better having the "confrontation" overwith. i think you're having more anxiety about it than it's worth. and i'm so so SO happy that you've returned to classes!
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