mother's friend, judy came to visit 1pm -4:30pm. mom introduced her to me before her arrival as her friend with the 2 really fancy nice house. (1 is large old historic cite in anacortes). aka. (my friend who is rich). eyeball. however Ive been wanting to meet her for year because I looked her up and saw that she was involved in supporting small business through an organization that funded with grants etc. so she and her husband are business minded. she was a stock broker I think at one Time. I don't remember what his deal is offhand. she is a dual Swiss citizen. then just came back from Europe a month there. I was nervous about meeting her. wanting to but also feeling nervous and inadequate and fearful . the dynamics when meeting ppl while in relation / with my mom are heavy for me. because of the all of the unwritten codes and the way she introduces me can be quite humiliating and painful - the things and ways it reveals. judy was lovely though. I sat mostly and listened. but enjoyed hearing an out her travels in Europe. I found it aspiration and hopeful and expansive. it gives me an idea of the world out there and what is possible to enjoy . and how to interface with the world as a human. whats possible. it's mind expanding. she was interested and engaged with the world . many topics came up. orcas whales/ climate change - threatening salmon which threaten orcas in the . gardening. retirement homes with gardens was her idea. she looked at me and said, "now there's a project". and I said yes. and she said "I'm serious" and I said yes immediately as soon as you said that I began thinking about it. that was the most exciting part of the conversation for me. and the rest I wasn't really involved. and yet I still observed myself and my anxiety and messages and spent alot of time remembering to breathe and finding it curious how impacted I was by emotions even though there was nothing intense or serious going on. so that backdrop told me alot about my background programming that is probably playing I the background all the time and limiting or affecting my decisions behavior and thought processes. I started the day with waking slowing . positive self talk. a 5 phase meditation by vision lakhana. and quick bath. all in effort to stabilize and ground and feel positive. I didn't come ou until right when she arrived to try to limit my contact with my mother and stay more balanced stable myself.
I'm embarrassed to "publish" this post. I hope she never sees it. will she be sad and hurt to see it? I question why I am writing here again. well I know why, but question whether the benefit will outweigh the potential risks. . .
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