I hate repeating myself. And I can only imagine how many times I've done that here. And as I contemplate another post, after all of these years, I wonder just how much of it will be just more of the same - revealing how little I've grown or changed at all. Pixels upon pixels of the same ol' self-absorption. Same ol' self-pittying. Same ol' cycles of depression and stagnation sprinkled with rainbow flavored delusion, chocolate covered self-grandeur and unicorn balls of hope. HE tells me that I'm NOT bipolar I, however, am unconvinced.
What is the Guinness Book World Record for longest identity crisis ever experienced? Because I may be a contender. This past year has been dominated by self-inquiry - the kind that I've been doing since childhood. Who am I? What am I good at? What should I be doing? How am I going to get there? How do I decide? What do I do first? Where do I start?
I'm still looking for a mentor. A social network. Family. Friends. Well, technically they do exist, but not the real life kind. Well, they are real, but they are not PRESENT outside of emails and the internetz. I miss people. Human beings. In real life form. Before me. In all their touchable, smell-able glory. People to give hugs! And to laugh with. Out loud, in my ears. Where I can hear them.
Most days, it's just he and I. In this studio, with our wiener. Occasionally, when I have to, I will walk to the store, anxiously averting eyecontact, and shuffling home with my pink backpack filled with his diet coke.
We returned our leased Toyota Camry to the dealership last month since I still haven't found a job and Unemployment is millimeters from the end. I did finally start applying for jobs in earnest last month. As many as I could find, I sent my resume and cover letter to. I've received 3 calls and had an interview last week. I left the office as high as a kite - feeling stoked.
"Nailed it." I texted him.
I was certain I had charmed them to pieces. I wanted to be their best friends. For sure they couldn't wait to work with me. I had so much to offer! That night the doubts started creeping in. Was I TOO confident? Did I talk TOO much? Was I fooling myself? And then I couldn't sleep, replaying all of the moments again and again and again. Soon, my fear-machine transmogrified my favorite moments into daggers to the heart! "What was I thinking?" "Who did I think I was?!"
Oy vey. The neurosis!
Enough!
Snap out of it!
And back to TV. Reading Facebook updates. Compulsive Gems with Friends. Sleeping 12 hours. And TV. Reading Facebook updates. Compulsive Gems with Friends. Sleeping 12 hours. And Gems with Friends.
What is the Guinness Book World Record for longest identity crisis ever experienced? Because I may be a contender. This past year has been dominated by self-inquiry - the kind that I've been doing since childhood. Who am I? What am I good at? What should I be doing? How am I going to get there? How do I decide? What do I do first? Where do I start?
I'm still looking for a mentor. A social network. Family. Friends. Well, technically they do exist, but not the real life kind. Well, they are real, but they are not PRESENT outside of emails and the internetz. I miss people. Human beings. In real life form. Before me. In all their touchable, smell-able glory. People to give hugs! And to laugh with. Out loud, in my ears. Where I can hear them.
Most days, it's just he and I. In this studio, with our wiener. Occasionally, when I have to, I will walk to the store, anxiously averting eyecontact, and shuffling home with my pink backpack filled with his diet coke.
We returned our leased Toyota Camry to the dealership last month since I still haven't found a job and Unemployment is millimeters from the end. I did finally start applying for jobs in earnest last month. As many as I could find, I sent my resume and cover letter to. I've received 3 calls and had an interview last week. I left the office as high as a kite - feeling stoked.
"Nailed it." I texted him.
I was certain I had charmed them to pieces. I wanted to be their best friends. For sure they couldn't wait to work with me. I had so much to offer! That night the doubts started creeping in. Was I TOO confident? Did I talk TOO much? Was I fooling myself? And then I couldn't sleep, replaying all of the moments again and again and again. Soon, my fear-machine transmogrified my favorite moments into daggers to the heart! "What was I thinking?" "Who did I think I was?!"
Oy vey. The neurosis!
Enough!
Snap out of it!
And back to TV. Reading Facebook updates. Compulsive Gems with Friends. Sleeping 12 hours. And TV. Reading Facebook updates. Compulsive Gems with Friends. Sleeping 12 hours. And Gems with Friends.
No comments:
Post a Comment