#LoveWins

Out of nowhere, the United States Supreme Court has ruled that gay marriage will be legal in all 50 states.  Never in my wildest dreams did I think this was possible.  Amazing. And wonderful.  Too good to be true!    A win for humanity and justice and goodness and hope.    

Something Has To Change

So often in life, I've found myself angry and resentful and hurting.  "Where is everyone?  Where is family?  Friendship?  Family?  Anyone who cares?" Internally I'd lament.  Scanning photos of tropical vacations, and smiling children, and backyard barbecues on social media, I felt even more alone.  "No one cares."   There was no communication, no connection, no real live humanity in sight. No presence in anyone's lives.  There was the 500 square feet of this studio.  The small urine soaked patch of grass just behind the pathway to the elevator.  A disinterested stare at Starbucks, from a barista waiting on my order.  And the very occasional "hello".   Alone.

I wanted to end it.  Often.  I was suffocating.  Alone.

I now lived not only in the same state, but the same city as my brother.  Year after year passed.  No phone call, no invitation.  No interest.    Alone.

Surrounded by millions and millions of people.  Living in a building with hundreds of people.  Living on a floor with dozens of people.   Home with a man.  Suffering.   Alone.

And now that I think about it, it was quite ironically nice of me to not end it out of consideration for all of these people who expressed very nearly zero interest or concern for the state of my life, and  hadn't the time or inclination for meaningful connection.

On the other hand, what effort had I made in life to forge meaningful connections in any consistent way?

Not much.

Was it my fault?   Theirs?   Or more disconcerting,  no-one's.   Perhaps, beyond personal, individual failings,  it reflects a much bigger, more important issue.  A microcosm of a widespread systemic failing.  A symptom of diseased society, sick with isolation and materialism, confused priorities,  and disconnection.   A nation of narcissists, clamoring for the spotlight, fishing for likes.

It's an unhealthy, empty trajectory.  Relentless selfies won't bring peace.

So, my face was peeled like a banana...

It's been a week now.

I'm doing well, but it's been somewhat dramatic.  I have no feeling or sensation in my ear and most of the left side of my face.   Extremely odd to touch my ear - feel like a piece of rubber attached to my head...  Gives me the creeps a bit...   I'm extremely grateful that I did not really have any facial paralysis though, as that was a very real possibility as it's a potential side effect of messing with the facial nerves.  Disfigurement, scarring, numbness - these are all quite insignificant, in my mind, but not having the ability to smile, or create facial expression would have a big impact on quality of life, I think.   Because in essence, my ability to communicate would be compromised.   Also, I'm a rather dramatic, facially expressive person.    Aka: being a cornball is pretty fundamental to my person.   I'm not sure how it would be, if that physical ability was compromised.

Stayed overnight in the hospital.  And to be honest, I enjoyed it.  I loved the camaraderie of my 71 year old roommate and her extended family visits.  (She was 1 of 15 siblings, and the are all very close, she told me).   I also loved the visits from the nurses, and the aids, and the breakfast in bed, and the beautiful view from the window.   I could honestly stay there forever.  Well, maybe not forever, but I sure didn't mind it.  

Also, there's something about sickness that made me feel safe and loved. By contrast, sickness can also evoke loneliness and fear.   So, actually, I'm feeling shocked that I just wrote that.  Now that I think about it, loneliness was a huge issue right before the surgery.    ...Maybe a truer statement, is that sickness is emotional and real.  I felt so vulnerable.  But also alive, and connected.  Maybe I felt safety in that vulnerability.  No not safety, comfort.  Maybe I'm trying to say that the vulnerability (or lack of safety).... WHAT THE FUCK AM I SAYING>>>>>>>!>!!>?!>!  ok ignore this whole paragraph?!!?!? ....

Thinking....

When I was wheeled away to surgery, I felt fear.  When I found myself surrounded by nurses, doctors, and anesthesiologists, and they were preparing to administer anesthesia, I suddenly felt sensory overload and cried.  I was scared I would have a panic attack.  I was so embarrassed. Then insisted to everyone that I was ok, and don't worry, don't worry, I'm ok, it's just physical.   Mortified.

That was before.

But when I was waking up, and their was darkness, and just a voice, "How are you feeling Indigo?"  The fear had left.  I answered, eyes still closed, "Nauseous and thirsty."  And had full confidence that the voices heard, and would help.  I had surrendered. I felt surrendered.  Maybe that's the "safety", that I felt?   Like a child, no responsibility, no expectations, barely conscious.  Before long an ice chip appeared in my mouth.   I don't know how it got there, I don't know where I was, I don't know who was with me, but I said I was thirsty, and the ice chip appeared to quench my thirst.   And it was heavenly, that ice chip.  Truly incredible.  .....Just like my first meal of mush after the surgery when I had been wheeled back to my room.   "THIS IS BEST SOUP I HAVE EVER TASTED IN MY ENTIRE LIFE",  I explained to my brother who was sitting in my room.  He laughed, but I didn't know why, because I was not kidding.  It was truly divine.  

Why?

What made that that mushy bland food, and simple soup so amazing?   It could be related to the drugs, but I think it was more than that.  There was something about the entire experience that felt... Almost spiritual....

What was it?

Dear C, 

Thank you so much for you flexibility last night!   I am SO sorry!  I feel like I've been in a bit of a fog since we last spoke.   Because my surgery was rescheduled, I ended up having the week to myself, which sounds great!   ~An awesome opportunity to finally do all the things I've been dying to do (i.e.: finally set up the studio management system I finally picked (after months of research), finally finally FINALLY FINALIZE my pricing, create some marketing PDFs, organize my apt... etc), but instead, I choked!   I slept all day, stayed awake night, and basically did 1 of two things at all times: watch standup comedy, or compulsively research medical stuff related to the surgery.  And that's about all I can remember of the entire week.  I'm pretty sure I didn't even leave the apt?    I don't know?   It's a blur?  Who am I?  What day is this? What happened?   And then it was Sunday morning, and I was like "oh shit! what was my homework?! omggggggg!"     

I am so sorry! 

I think I was in serious denial about this medical thing (tumor removal & simultaneous news that I might have lupus???)- I didn't think much of it at all.  A couple friends texted me, "UM> ARE YOU OK WITH THIS?  HOW ARE YOU?"   And I was like, "Um yeah! sure! why not? Of course! it's fine!" (??)    

....AND THEN I STARTED READING... 

And then I couldn't stop.   

There were so many side effects, and it was so crazy, and so surreal, and I was having trouble mentally absorbing what I was seeing.   

"THIS IS A FOR-REAL, LEGIT, ACTUAL MAJOR OPERATION.  MY FACE IS GONNA BE PEELED LIKE A BANANA.  I MAY NEVER FEEL MY EAR AGAIN.  I COULD  LIKE A STROKE VICTIM FOR LIFE. Seriously. WHAT. IS. HAPPENING. HERE"   

The doctor had been so casual and quick & in a hurry?  Like, "no biggie - see ya laterz"  (Maybe that's New York style?) 

But, consolidation prize: i am gonna have one sweet badass scar down my neck!  Like a boss!  

So not ALL bad.   i can say I was in a knife fight and kinda not be lying. 

I actually think that much more physical considerations, it's evoked some emotional stuff.   I've been the primary caretaker of my partner for the last decade. He's an amazing, beautiful soul and I love him.   But knowing that he won't there while I'm in hospital, the way I have been for him all of these years,  kinda re-ignites the loneliness of our unorthodox relationship that I usually try to mentally repress down. 

So anyway, maybe that's an overshare, but, I wanted you to know that I sincerely appreciate our time together, and wanted you to have some context to explain a little bit about my "disembooogelaated" state last night!!!    It wasn't because I don't care!   I SO CARE!  And am SO excited to work with you.  :)

In fact, I better go, because I have homework to do!   STAT! 

Warm regards, 

Indigo

Nervousness.

Fear.

And so very tired.

Having a tumor removed from my face in 10 days.   How is this happening?  So confusing, and surreal.   My mind is having difficulty adjusting.

I've spent 10 years taking care of him

Now, who will take care of me?

Nervous & and lonely.