seriously

how surprised would u be to learn that i frequently consider stand-up comedy?

reading my dribble i bet you'd never guess.

but u know they say comics are often miserable people

insatiable

hello.
it is 4am.
the cutie is sleeping to my right.
i am listening to katg - something he just discovered and now follows religiously.
what is the word now?
angst?
self hate?
confusion?
probably disgust.
i'm too dissatisfied to sleep. i need to fill myself with something. i'm hungry. for.
for.
for.
for what?!
researching domain names. maybe i could start a website? with what content? but that would be weird and self absorbed? and why would i do this? art work? music that i haven't yet created and likely won't, yet feel i ought to and would like too? writing that would be too revealing to use my real name? some sort of business idea?
shit.
real estate? organizing. paint it pottery. dance that i'm too fat and out of practice to teach. doggie daycare. photography. whatever.
whatever.
shit.
i'll likely not amount to crap. i hate to give up. but. my fortune cookie reads "life points to big things as unattainable". i've maybe now adjusted and begun to believe in the joy and satisfaction of a healthy, loving relationship. it took a while to believe in the cutie's love for me. 3 years last wednesday.
3 years since we met at his apartment door.
so what's wrong with me. why then do i feel empty?
the shitty shitty unhealthy job? no real friends to speak of? family far away in every respect?
i have love but still feel alienated.
what is wrong with me
do i need a hobby? something to do? a way to not hate myself?
reading this reminds me to find a counselor
i think i'm going downhill
again.
oh god, how many times have you heard me say this?

inexplicably grumpy. again.

i did lexapro for several months and i strongly suspect it helped me.  because in this moment i have that i-wanna-cry-for-no-real-good reason feeling that i used to have so often.  i think i need to call someone and get a real presciption for real.  (i was just borrowing someone else's who wasn't using it).

 

i hate this feeling.

 

besides that things are ok.  pretty good, i guess. i can't complain.  the only really sad thing about life is that The Cutie is in pain all of the time.  that is terrible.  as bad as it can get.  to see someone you love never feel quite comfortable.  every day is a struggle for him. terrible.

 

but, we have a nice, safe place to live.  a job that pays a living wage.  a beautiful running new car.  the cutest, sweetest doggie on planet earth. and most importantly each other.  what more can i ask for?    i feel blessed by the universe to have met the Cutie.  and i wrote him today to tell him so since last night he said he felt bad because he thought i was unhappy or that he was a burden because of his poor-health.  that's so sad.  i'm so sorry that he has to think such things.  why can't i make him better?  :( . . .

 

.......other news: i've gained back the 50 pounds that dropped off my first year with him.   it feels terrible and heavy.  i am uncomfortable and its hard to move.  i don't know what to do and feel overwhelmed by the burden of it and sometimes i'm so depressed i feel like giving up caring about my weight at all.  well, in a way i guess i allready have. 

 

i think it's best i get back into counseling. 

 

and i've been saying this for a couple years now.

 

july 26 (i think?) according to the Cutie will be our anniversary.  he's so good about remembering it.  i would have absolutely no idea if it wasn't for him.  isn't that sweet that he remembers?  i think it is.  i think its been 3 years.  i know it can't be 4 and 2 sounds like too little. yes, it must be 3 years.  can you believe that?   shocking.

 

i wonder when we'll get married. i wonder what it will be like and where it will be.  i wonder how fat i will be and what i'll look like in the dress.  i wonder if i will be sad because i'll be so fat that i'll ruin the once-in-a-lifetime opportunity and have fugly photos. 

 

arg so depressing.

 

i'm at work right now.  i'm almost always totally on task and working my butt off. i'm driven and crazy-effient while i'm here.  i have can honestly say that i am excellent worker. but not now. not in this moment. i am writing because i am trying to help myself. i am trying to boost my mood and feel better.  i am trying to remove myself from this fragile state of mind. 

 

again, i repeat myself when i say, i miss blogging.  and i do.

 

i miss it alot!