Another trip to the ER at 3:00am this morning. A lapse in his insurance for 3 days and his pain patch ran out. A pain level of 7 on the Cutie scale, but I'd estimate a 10 on normal human scale. Terrible! We waited for 3 hours before the 60 second doctor visit. 2 pain pills there, and 2 to go and call your doctor. Not very satisfying, not too much relief for him. A fast acting shot was what was really needed. Not having to wait yet another 1/2 hour for a mediocre lessening of long-lasting agony. During all of it, as usual, he kept his sense of humor,and dignity. How does he manage the way that he does? How does one trudge on day after day when so tyrannized? I admire him. I love him. I want him to feel better. I don't want him to hurt. I to find him an answer and make it go away. It breaks my heart.

i'm so tired

exhausted really
working way way too much
midnight then 10:30 then 10:00 tonight 8:00   - and never extra pay
makes me so mad - makes me furious!  but i've sent out about 10 resumes this week.
i really fear losing my mental health if i don't make a move quick

 

I have to admit, there's so much about my job that is miserable - mainly the LoonyBossLady. But nonetheless, I'm not okay with allowing myself to be the reactive, high-strung, frustrated person I often find myself being. Not being defensive while being continually attacked is a challenge that I need to meet. How do I do that? How do I relax despite unfair, senseless hostility? Not sure yet, but I need to find a way because in the big scheme of things, this is so extremely small potatoes. I once thought that something like this silly job would be no challenge at all. But I so often feel like I lost myself somewhere. Where is the balance, the wisdom that I think I may have had? (for a period)

I wish I had any/all of my things that I left in Hawaii in some guys garage do remind me of who I was. I think I'd find inspiration. I think I'd feel reconnected to who I was and things I could be proud of.

Meanwhile, I'm feeling gun ho about regaining physical health. In the 1st year with the cutie, I inadvertently lost 50 pound through practicing intuitive eating, expressing my emotions, keeping a food journal, identifying my hunger levels and stopping when I was full. In the 2nd year (I just discovered after weighing myself at my folks house over the holiday) I gained 30 again! That's sad. And with an impending wedding (GASP), I feel a renewed commitment to getting it together for myself, and us. So, today after work I bought a nifty healthy cookbook, a pedometer, a lunchbox/Tupperware to bring food to work, and a blank dated book to use as a food journal. I'm ready! I must admit, even though I'm completely anti-diet, starting one is something that I've been contemplating. But ultimately, I believe going on a diet will be counter productive and cause me to backslide into food obsession and self-hate. So, unless I change my mind, I can always reserve this as a future option if I I could handle a diet without triggering myself/binging/etc. Meanwhile I'll do the aforementioned which seem worthwhile too. More so even!

OMG

This is so HARD to write/type/blog with this TV on. I can't hear my thoughts! I can't focus. I forget what I've said by the end of the sentence. What am I going to do? I'd like to start blogging again as a part of my therapeutic journey, but the Cutie never turns it off! The only quiet time that I can think of would be weekend mornings before he is awake. I did recently splurge and by myself a TREO. I did so with a prominent motivation to someday start blogging with a portable keyboard like the one Seakitty uses. I think its such a cool idea. And now I even have a few FAT purses that would accommodate it... I can't quite justify the 100 bucks yet though..... Does anyone know of somewhere cheaper?

When I think about it, I think blogging was a crucial element to my healing/growth.

I want to change my life

I want to be a better person

i want to be healthy

i want to lose a hundred pounds

i want to be patient, and loving and good

i want to love people.  i want them to feel loved and then in turn to love

i want life to be a better for us to all to live

i want us to feel hope

i want to feel hope

i want to see through a child's eyes now and again

the cutie propsed on xmas day

in front of my family!

he proposed!