Cool.

It took me 40 years to be cool.   Not that anyone else would ever recognize me as that.  But I know inside.  It took time and effort and experience and lots of inner-work.  But, finally.  I think it happened.  Well, more-so, I should say, I understand cool.   Yes, that's it.  I understand cool.  Other than the fact that I'm writing I'm cool.  Which is definitely not cool.  Back to the drawing board. 

Until I feel deserving, will I always sabotage my own success in every way?

When & how will I feel deserving? 

Life Whirlwind - Way up Way Down

Ok dood.

What's.

Happening.  here.  I feel the impulse again.  The next day. To write here.  Strong impulse. Weird.  What is this about?  I have things I want to share/save/process/remember/work-out/express/release myself from.  Self-therapy. Freedom. Self-soothing.  Comfort. Release.

I had a perfect day.  Which is is saying alot because yesterday I was suicidal.   Well, ok not actually suicidal - that's an exaggeration for dramatic writing effect.  More like questioning the purpose of life & why continue in it.  But this is my normal, and I'm nearly completely certain I will not ever be doing it.  So, don't panic.  Just chronic, low grade frustration, lonliness, and despair.   You know, life stuff.   Human condition stuff.

Anway, today was wonderful.  I'm in great spirits.  Engaged, hopeful, energized and alive!  How is that possible?  How can that be?

Fuckin' bipoloar beautiful mess. Today, things are flowing & connecting & there is syncronicity & excitement and meaning.  Meaning making of even (& especially) the ugliness.  The frustration, the rage, the loneliess, the despair.   What a trip - this human condition.  This fucking human condition.  What a TRIP. 

Frustration Spiral

Ok wait. I thought I went private?  Did I not go private?  Having so much rage, confusion, despondency of late.   Well.  Of always.  But emphasis on confusion; feeling trapped and confined by a spiral of frustration from which I feel unable to release myself from, no matter how many times I experience it, no matter how much I seem to understand intellectually, no matter my confidence in my position as "right", no matter my high degree of clarity.  Despite all of this, I continue to feel mired and weighted down by the emotion of this reoccuring shit-show..... The FRUSTRATION. The rage. The ridiculousness.  I can't escape it!