And too much to say to write (i guess?)
I open up blogger every day with good intentions but.....
nothing is coming yet.
But, we're back... It rocked... So fun. So interesting.
And seakitty, that list of jobs was so incredibly kind of you
Thank you
soooo
soooo
much...
And some good picks too!
Thank you
thank you
Jul 21, 2005
Jul 5, 2005
Tick Tick Tick
2:40 am and The Cutie is snoozing away to my right. Getting in a power nap before we embark upon our voyage. I tried to join up, but like a kid on xmas eve, i found myself too excited to sleep!
I can't believe we're doing this!
What an ADVENTURE! What will it be like? Driving in a little car together for a minimum of 6 days! Today he bought an adapter so we can plug in the laptop. We'll be able to watch movies, or write... I'll surely be trolling for wireless internet signals. Maybe we'll jam out to music. Maybe we'll talk. Maybe we'll soak up the togetherness in contemplative silence. Maybe we'll be bitchy and tired. I'll doodle in colored pencil on my long neglected sketchpad. He'll play his dusty "Lord of the Rings." Maybe we'll make nasty love in a dive roadside hotel. Maybe in the car? We'll eat the food of a half dozen states. We'll get lost. Found. Don't know. Don't care. Our only plan is to play it all by ear! I can't wait!
I can't wait.
I can't believe we're doing this!
What an ADVENTURE! What will it be like? Driving in a little car together for a minimum of 6 days! Today he bought an adapter so we can plug in the laptop. We'll be able to watch movies, or write... I'll surely be trolling for wireless internet signals. Maybe we'll jam out to music. Maybe we'll talk. Maybe we'll soak up the togetherness in contemplative silence. Maybe we'll be bitchy and tired. I'll doodle in colored pencil on my long neglected sketchpad. He'll play his dusty "Lord of the Rings." Maybe we'll make nasty love in a dive roadside hotel. Maybe in the car? We'll eat the food of a half dozen states. We'll get lost. Found. Don't know. Don't care. Our only plan is to play it all by ear! I can't wait!
I can't wait.
Jul 4, 2005
Road Trip!!!!
We're leaving in a few hours -at 3am to be exact! I'm buzzing with excitement! Oh boy!
And so soon after returning from our Florida voyage.
Driving across the country for a surprise appearance at my Dad's 60th birthday. The first birthday celebration for him in my lifetime, as a matter of fact. We can't wait to see their faces when we casually pop up, "Hi there parents -so where's the diet coke?!" They are going to
F R E A K
O U T.
Joy!
Especially after learning we drove for 3 days to be there. I hope it makes them feel loved. Appreciated. Happy. I hope it brings my Dad a little relief from the constant anxiety and fear of having learned he is terminally ill and the discomfort of his chemotherapy.
Plus, I'm deleriously grateful for the activity. It couldn't have come at a better time for me personally as i recognized those old, frightening signs of slipping into the suffocation of sadness to be creeping in. Having things to look forward can't be underestimated. Even better: purpose. (I'm still working on that part.) Having The Cutie to love is a tremendous gift in this way. He brings so much richness to my life.
....Just ran downstairs to grab the laundry and found an unidentified pair of pink women's underwear amongst our things. Um. Can i just take this moment to say, Ewwwwww?!
....Where was i?
My eyes are blurry, my contact is awkwardly grainy and feels like it may just pop out of my eyeball at any moment. My jaw is aching menacingly like there may be an infection blooming God, I need health insurance. Normally, I overlook it. I rarely get sick. Not even a cold in years and years. Not to say that i'm not a hypochondriac - because as soon as something creaks or groans or I feel a funny bump somewhere -the ailments and fear rush through me like a wildfire and i re-note the need to get off my booty and find a job. I'm still indignant that this state isn't like Hawaii where it is a law that ALL employers MUST provide health insurance for ALL employees working over 20 hours a week. Why not?! How can that not be the case here? Not having health insurance is outrageous. In Hawaii, my insurance even paid for the year of intensive out-patient Eating Disorder counseling that I went through- a despartely needed, life altering gift.
....The Cutie is posting on his computer behind me. I wonder what he's writing about? I always (always) used to become excited when hearing the clicking sounds of composition - hoping for something lovely and sweet - our relationship reflected in his poetic artful prose. Then after awhile, I'd hear that he was writing and instead of giddy delight, a chill would go my spine. I dreaded reading his metaphoric messages of misery, rage, hopelessness and indignation. They must be about me! It must be my fault! Afterall, who else did he interact with? And he hadn't mentioned anything else in our daily life to the contrary. I interpreted them to mean I must not be what he wanted. I didn't do enough. I couldn't be the person he had wanted me to be. And after the shock of disovering the dichotomous messages (happy on the outside, desparate on the inside,) I didn't know what to do. Can I talk to him about it? Was it a message to me? Am i supposed to butt out of his private thoughts and not overreact? Can i separate my personal sensitivies and unbias myself enough to fully be there for him without judgment or laying an additional trip on him? Most importantly, I don't want to prevent him from a much needed creative outlet. From his art.
I don't even know why i'm writing this right now. I don't want him to read this. This is why I've contemplated starting another separate blog actually. To explore these sorts of things in the freedom of anonymity.
Dang. This eyeball is distracting. I have to blink to flatten it so i can read.
He's folding (re-folding) laundry now. I want to check his site to see what he posted. But i don't want him to see me check it. I don't know why. Why? I don't know. Maybe because I don't want him to see my reaction. Maybe i'm afraid his post will upset me or make me angry or hurt and i don't want him to see that and make him angry/irritated/offended by that. Lord. That sounds crazy doesn't it. Have you ever lived in the same room with another person for 24 hours a day? It's interesting. Challenging. Somtimes confusing and hard. Often wonderful. Often comforting and warm. But overall, a huge learning experience.
Boy that sounded awfully cliched didn't it? Maybe i'll try to be more specific someday. But thus far, i've avoided those details for fear of....
He joked the other day we were like some sort of reality show experiment... Totally.. What was that show were they put like a dozen people in a house and installed cameras everywhere? I forget. Big Brother? That's like us only minus the cameras and extraneous people.
Did you know we're 1 month short of having known and lived together for a year?
An
e n t i r e
year.
Wow.
Wow.
And so soon after returning from our Florida voyage.
Driving across the country for a surprise appearance at my Dad's 60th birthday. The first birthday celebration for him in my lifetime, as a matter of fact. We can't wait to see their faces when we casually pop up, "Hi there parents -so where's the diet coke?!" They are going to
F R E A K
O U T.
Joy!
Especially after learning we drove for 3 days to be there. I hope it makes them feel loved. Appreciated. Happy. I hope it brings my Dad a little relief from the constant anxiety and fear of having learned he is terminally ill and the discomfort of his chemotherapy.
Plus, I'm deleriously grateful for the activity. It couldn't have come at a better time for me personally as i recognized those old, frightening signs of slipping into the suffocation of sadness to be creeping in. Having things to look forward can't be underestimated. Even better: purpose. (I'm still working on that part.) Having The Cutie to love is a tremendous gift in this way. He brings so much richness to my life.
....Just ran downstairs to grab the laundry and found an unidentified pair of pink women's underwear amongst our things. Um. Can i just take this moment to say, Ewwwwww?!
....Where was i?
My eyes are blurry, my contact is awkwardly grainy and feels like it may just pop out of my eyeball at any moment. My jaw is aching menacingly like there may be an infection blooming God, I need health insurance. Normally, I overlook it. I rarely get sick. Not even a cold in years and years. Not to say that i'm not a hypochondriac - because as soon as something creaks or groans or I feel a funny bump somewhere -the ailments and fear rush through me like a wildfire and i re-note the need to get off my booty and find a job. I'm still indignant that this state isn't like Hawaii where it is a law that ALL employers MUST provide health insurance for ALL employees working over 20 hours a week. Why not?! How can that not be the case here? Not having health insurance is outrageous. In Hawaii, my insurance even paid for the year of intensive out-patient Eating Disorder counseling that I went through- a despartely needed, life altering gift.
....The Cutie is posting on his computer behind me. I wonder what he's writing about? I always (always) used to become excited when hearing the clicking sounds of composition - hoping for something lovely and sweet - our relationship reflected in his poetic artful prose. Then after awhile, I'd hear that he was writing and instead of giddy delight, a chill would go my spine. I dreaded reading his metaphoric messages of misery, rage, hopelessness and indignation. They must be about me! It must be my fault! Afterall, who else did he interact with? And he hadn't mentioned anything else in our daily life to the contrary. I interpreted them to mean I must not be what he wanted. I didn't do enough. I couldn't be the person he had wanted me to be. And after the shock of disovering the dichotomous messages (happy on the outside, desparate on the inside,) I didn't know what to do. Can I talk to him about it? Was it a message to me? Am i supposed to butt out of his private thoughts and not overreact? Can i separate my personal sensitivies and unbias myself enough to fully be there for him without judgment or laying an additional trip on him? Most importantly, I don't want to prevent him from a much needed creative outlet. From his art.
I don't even know why i'm writing this right now. I don't want him to read this. This is why I've contemplated starting another separate blog actually. To explore these sorts of things in the freedom of anonymity.
Dang. This eyeball is distracting. I have to blink to flatten it so i can read.
He's folding (re-folding) laundry now. I want to check his site to see what he posted. But i don't want him to see me check it. I don't know why. Why? I don't know. Maybe because I don't want him to see my reaction. Maybe i'm afraid his post will upset me or make me angry or hurt and i don't want him to see that and make him angry/irritated/offended by that. Lord. That sounds crazy doesn't it. Have you ever lived in the same room with another person for 24 hours a day? It's interesting. Challenging. Somtimes confusing and hard. Often wonderful. Often comforting and warm. But overall, a huge learning experience.
Boy that sounded awfully cliched didn't it? Maybe i'll try to be more specific someday. But thus far, i've avoided those details for fear of....
?
He joked the other day we were like some sort of reality show experiment... Totally.. What was that show were they put like a dozen people in a house and installed cameras everywhere? I forget. Big Brother? That's like us only minus the cameras and extraneous people.
Did you know we're 1 month short of having known and lived together for a year?
An
e n t i r e
year.
Wow.
Wow.
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