Wrapping Up

For those few of you that have followed the history of my blog. Thank you so much for your time and thoughts and encouragment. I've truly appreciated your kindness and generosity and even patience for tolerating what was so often drivel. You've helped me through tough times and offered support when i needed it most. I won't forget you or your feedback. Its time to wrap this up though, i think.... Its too hard to express my true feelings when now the impact of them will so intimately affect someone else. I also feel the sense that i am invading his (ours) privacy by doing so. When it was just me, i had nothing to lose, really. I hardly cared. Also, i was so despartely in need of connection that the potentional dangers (being "outed" or disovered) paled in comparison to the potentional reward; connection; having a voice; gaining evidence that i am indeed alive, noticed, and of some value on this planet. Now, i live with D. The majority of meaning in my life is now derived from my connection with him. For good or bad, this is the current state of things. Also, i've begun to worry/fear about his friends/relatives reading my past posts, particularly since i was linked on his page for so long. (I'd never anticipated this loss of anonymity.) Its embarrassing. (I think?) I can barely remember what i've written and hesitant to go back and relive it. It seems worlds ago. Another lifetime. Another person? I don't know. Who am i right now? My world, at the moment, is a tiny studio apartment and lovely though delicate new relationship. Beyond that things feel cloudy. Confusing.

Anyway, i meant to write only a sentence of goodbye, and now i've begun to spew in a way that i couldn't the last 2 months (since moving here.) This was always was so therapeutic for me. It feels sad to let it go. I feel sad also that he chose, a few moments ago, to do the same. I asked if it was out of spite, to which he replied he doesn't have the time for such things. Though his timing leaves me unconvinced. Nonetheless, its his decision and out of my hands, i suppose. I hope he, and i, will not regret it.

Love and best wishes to all,

indigo

Tuesday, September 21, 2004
Absorbed
It was an inconsolable life
with very little keeping me above ground
Hopes all but extinguished
Then with one twist
you opened the 5D door
and we fondeled the unknwon
daring to unzip our pasts
Relinquishing them for something better
together
alien & awkward
needing to retreat
to shrink
you gripped me in delicate arms
leaving me
transfixed

Adrift

swept inside moments
and intoxicating grins
so affected
so lost in you