INDIGO BLUES

2011-12-14T01:34:00.001-05:00

Trying to hang on. Every day. I try.

2011-12-14T01:23:00.001-05:00

Sometimes I wish I could just die in my sleep.

Tired.

2011-08-07T02:23:00.000-04:00

A confusing time. Mid-life crisis? Or simply the continuation of a life-time of indecision, and angst. I crave direction. Desperately. I crave help. I'm alone here, in this apartment, in my head. I want to talk it out, ask for guidance, I need support. An object in motion stays in motion, an object at rest stays at rest. I am sick of rest. I want to move - but where? And how?

"Dad Update"

2011-03-05T06:59:00.004-05:00

So, my Mom writes me an email "update" that my Dad, who has had cancer for a number of years, is losing his hair and now having trouble standing and moving.

.....

Ok, all I can write about it right now.

Too much.

Can't handle it.

Running

2011-02-12T01:24:00.002-05:00

My goal is to run 4 miles a day for the rest of February. 2 days in the can!

Outdoor Adventure?

2011-02-06T21:32:00.000-05:00

I dream of of climbing, hiking, camping, canoeing, surfing, biking, running. But my partner is unable to pursue them. If I pursue them I will be leaving him at home? That's crappy. What do I do?

Erratic Stagnation

2011-02-06T00:45:00.001-05:00

Neighbor: How are you?

A quick self-assessment. Well, let's see. Currently feeling....Desperate. Bitchy. Ashamed. Afraid. Hopeless. Pained. Hurt. Grief. Angry. Shamed. Isolated. Bored. Lonely. Helpless. Despairing. Glimmers of hope and optimism. Gratitude. Joy. Inspiration. Then fear. Worry. Anxiety. Fatigued. Sadness. Rage.
Mainly, highly displeased that I stepped into this occupied elevator. I take great effort to avoid contact.

Me: Fine.

Feeling hazy. Vision impaired. Future uncertain. Being well-versed in the symptoms of depression, I immediately launched a contingency plan to not only stay afloat while unemployed, but to reap sweet revenge against my bully-oppressor via my sweet, sweet limitless success. I refuse still to suggest defeat, yet, I am in battle. Against purely myself. I don't know why exactly. I try to follow my thoughts to where they're taking me to - to redirect them. I don't want to ruminate on the negative. Or, do I? Each day is an emotional minefield. I ping-pong from place to place with electrifying irregularity and reckless disorder.

Sudden Changes

2011-01-10T10:51:00.002-05:00

So, it's a long gruesome story. After starting from nothing and working my way from temp secretary to director in 6 years I was fired without cause. There was an uproar at the institution and the faculty came together to protest on my behalf to no avail. Sociopaths can not be reasoned with as chaos is their goal. I was shocked. Furious. Hurt. And now mainly depressed. Where to go from here? I have a strong inclination to go under the covers. I'd begun to see this field as my first real "career", but I'm so disgusted I feel repulsed by trying again. And what will I tell potential new employers in an interview? The shame. The shame. It goes beyond merely employment to affect my worldview? How can such injustice occur? If this can happen, how can I work for ANYONE again? Perhaps now is the time for me to launch my dream of being a self-employed entrepreneur. Can I do it? Do I have the confidence? The drive? The vision? The discipline? I vacillate in fear. After 6 years of living in New York, back to the drawing board.

In the meanwhile, my meager attempt to keep my head above water has taken physical form. I've begun jogging again (which I had started last December but discontinued since Summer due to the high demands and long work hours of the job). At least now (hallelujah), this is the bright side. Never will I be required to tolerate the insanity of that toxic, soul crunching environment. I am FREE! Thank god for that. So, for now, this is at least one area of my life within my control that I can make positive. I am without income, can not affect or help D's relentless pain, am fairly isolated, but, I can run, and read, eat healthy, lose weight and get in shape. In fact, i have my eyes on a marathon. May seem over-ambitious since I barely ran 4 miles in 60 minutes last night, but why couldn't it be achievable in 11 months? In the process, I'd like to achieve losing the second half of my 100 pound weight loss. In fact, I may start a blog dedicated to this.... I mean, it's SOMETHING, right? Right now, I just have to hold on to something.

The Years Keep Creeping On

2011-01-09T11:22:00.000-05:00

I'm 37??????!!! How can that be??! It doesn't seem right. What does it mean? That number seems far to big. Look at me. Still here, with the same sophomoric rants and egocentric laments. I don't act or feel like what i think should be 37. When someone on tv is revealed to be 37, I am shocked - they look so old - but they're just like me?! So perplexing. Figuring out how and who to be. Mold myself into what I believe to be appropriate age 37 behavior? I think I may be intellectually stunted.

1 Step Forward, 6 Years Back

2010-11-29T16:21:00.001-05:00

2 weeks ago I was in the zone. Feeling great. Proud. Optimistic. Strong.
Today I feel shattered. Punched in the gut so hard that I flew back in time 6 years to where I started.
My head aches. My neck aches. My body aches.
Going to take a nap.

Progress report

2010-05-08T23:08:00.001-04:00

45lbs down, size 10 and I ran my first ever 5K in April. The run was such great energy. It was so life affirming to be out there in the sunshine, moving with all of those other fellow runners, making a positive change in our lives. In fact, when I crossed the finish line, I was so awed, so happy, so grateful, so proud. I was a little choked up. I couldn't believe it was really me! That I really did it! I never in my life imagined I could "run" at all- yet here I am. These baby steps have accumulated much quicker than you could possibly imagine... I want everyone to feel this way.

2010-05-08T22:04:00.001-04:00

There's a certain safety in mediocrity. To emerge from the invisible is the hero's journey.

Running Strong

2010-05-08T21:40:00.001-04:00

I keep hearkening back to the past few months. It was such a short time ago that I was ecstatic to have jogged 30 full seconds of 4 mph jogging- a moderate walking speed for some. The only way I could get through the discomfort was to count backwards in syncopation with my footfalls. (The radio required too much concentration & I was in WAY too much pain to think). A couple weeks later I had a breakthrough & pushed that to an agonizing 60 seconds.

I was

SO.

PROUD.

Then 2 minutes, then five... I blocked out the screaming desire to quit and forced myself to finish each baby mini-goal. Small as they may seem they were MY victories & I celebrated each of them!

And last night? 6 miles in the bank! Sure it took an hr & half but 1 thing at a time, but,

I'm DOING IT!

Me!

A person who HATES running, found it bewildering & chalked up runners as genetically gifted freaks of nature. (Darn them!)

So friends, if you are contemplating getting moving – whatever the form, just

GO FOR IT!
PUSH THROUGH &
DON'T GIVE UP!!!

You'll be SO glad, & SO PROUD that you did.

Because if a former hater like me can do it so can YOU!

OH and PS: the little payoffs along the way are pretty sweet too. Last night I noticed traces of a collarbone! Cha-ching!

Fitness as Transcendence

2010-05-08T21:33:00.000-04:00

"It's not REALLY about fitness. I'm the wrong girl for that -I hate working out. Fitness for me is a tool that I use to help people build and construct a life. It's about empowering you physically, and letting that transcend into other aspects of your life. Its about being healthy - because ultimately that is the platform that the rest of your life sits upon. When your health is not good every single other aspect of your life is going to suffer. It's all connected. It's all holistic when it comes to being happy."

Jillian Michaels during her weekly radio show

10 Ways to Think Like a Fit Person

2010-04-10T18:23:00.001-04:00

When It Comes to Being Fit, It's the Thought That Counts

Monday, June 04, 2007

By Greg Hottinger

How many times have you seen a thin person stuffing her face with a super-sized fast food meal and thought, "I wish I could eat anything I want!"

The truth is that thin person is either 1) eating a very unusual meal for her lifestyle or 2) not as healthy you think.

Thin people may have high blood pressure, heart disease, or may have a low fitness level. For this reason, why not strive for more than being thin? How about being fit and healthy as well?

Fit and healthy people come in many different shapes and sizes and make a wide variety of food choices. Despite their differences, fit and healthy people are remarkably similar in the way they think! Here are 10 thoughts that fit and healthy people think:

1. "This is fun."
Fit people enjoy activity for the sake of the activity. It could be a night of dancing, hard fought tennis match, or hike with a good friend. But the value is intrinsic. The fact that the activity also happens to be "good for you" is secondary.

There is an appreciation of effort and skill. And the activity is undertaken with gratitude, facility, and in many cases, joy.

What you can do now: Find an activity that you would choose without knowing it's good for you or something you would miss doing if you no longer could. After completing it, journal how it felt to move and why you're grateful for the ability and opportunity.

2. "You get what you pay for."
Healthy people realize that quality foods cost more than overly processed foods. They think about how the food was grown or raised and are willing to pay more for local and/or organically grown foods. They believe that good health is built from quality foods. Their mantra is "Pay now or pay later with interest (interest being in the form of sickness, medical bills, and suffering)."

What you can do now: Identify a healthy food, like almonds or avocados, which you currently believe to be too expensive. Add them to your cart the next time you go shopping. Identify a splurge, like buying movie theatre candy or a specialty coffee drink, to give up to even out your food budget.

3. "This is easy."
Fit people MOVE! The thought of walking to get somewhere is not foreign or averse. Being fit means daily activities and chores are less taxing and fit people revel in being able to do these things easily.

Instead of avoiding mowing the lawn, chopping wood, or raking leaves, fit people look at chores as an opportunity to lift, squat, walk, lunge, twist, pull…you get the picture! Why wait to be in a gym?

What you can do now: Pick an errand or task around the house that could be a "mini-workout". As you do it, think about the similarities to some of the movements you do at the gym. What skills and strengths that you've built at the gym are you now using in everyday life?

4. "I'd rather throw this food away than wear it."
Healthy people do not succumb to the "all you can eat", "super-size", and "2 for the price of 1" traps around food. They know that bigger portions lead to eating more. So they either don't buy or aren't afraid to throw it away if they do.

What you can do now: The next time you buy food away from home, think about getting what you actually need versus getting the most for your money. Leave food on your plate and say to yourself "I'd rather throw this food away than wear it."

5. "I feel like a sports car."
Fit people need high octane! When your workout is more than a walk in the park, you have to fuel the fire!

Instead of eating as little as possible and having no "oomph" for a workout, they eat a well-portioned pre-workout meal.

Instead of over-eating, they think about their strength training session or spinning class and eat foods that help them stay energized. And they get the rest that their body needs to recover from the day and be ready for tomorrow.

What you can do now: Before your next workout, eat a light, well-balanced meal or snack to top off the fuel tank. Then stay well hydrated for exercise by drinking 8 - 16 oz of water 1 – 2 hours prior to exercise and 8 – 16 oz for every 20 minutes of exercise. Notice how you feel compared to when you eat a heavy meal, forget to eat altogether, or don't drink properly.

6. "The next delicious meal is only a few hours away."
A healthy person knows that the meal sitting before them is not their Last Supper. In fact, they've noticed that when they don't overeat at this meal, they enjoy their next meal even more. They consider food part of the celebration, not the reason for it.

What you can do now: The next time you feel tempted for that second plate of food, remind yourself that you'll be eating again in just a few hours. Take a couple of deep breaths and focus on the sensations in your body. If you still feel a strong desire to eat more, give yourself three more bites and then put the food away.

7. "That's the ticket!"
A fit person can see the connection between being fit and doing other things she finds enjoyable. Travel, gardening, sex, going to the theater, and shopping are just a few things that are enhanced by fitness.

Real life examples from clients and members include going to Disney, running a marathon, walking 30,000 steps exploring Manhattan, and hiking to Everest base camp.

What you can do now: Use a backpack to carry a weight equal to what you have lost. Wear it while you go shopping, to the park, or some other fun activity this weekend. Then, still in the midst of your fun, take it off. Savor the difference and know that there is more to come!

8. "What's my body trying to tell me?"
Healthy people pay attention to their body's signals and notice when they feel good and when their body is telling them something isn't right. People who tune in to these signals are willing to adjust their food choices in such a way that they are working with their body and not against it. They pay close attention to their hunger and fullness signals and notice that they feel better when they stay balanced, not too hungry and not too full.

What you can do now: Notice which foods make you feel good after eating them and which ones make you feel irritable, tired, or that upset your stomach.

9. "I'm hooked!"
Fit people "hook" into exercise by signing up for classes, playing in sports leagues, exercising with partners, or joining clubs based on activities like hiking.

What you can do now: Take a look at your local paper and look for upcoming events, group meetings, trips, or classes that are kicking off. Commit to signing up and participating in one event by the end of the month.

10. "'Tis the season."
Healthy people consider the ripeness and freshness of the food they buy when shopping and ordering from a restaurant. They know that when they eat an unsatisfying meal, like wilted lettuce and unripe tomatoes, a terribly bland meal, or a processed food full of artificial ingredients, they'll feel unsatisfied and will want to eat something else.

What you can do now: Think about the fruits and vegetables that are in season right now to highlight on your shopping list. Notice how delicious these foods taste and how satisfying they are.

30 down, 75 to go

2010-04-01T17:18:00.018-04:00

30 lbs down in 10 weeks! I think BiggestLoser was the impetus - the inspiration. I downloaded a couple seasons & watch it on my iphone while on the treadmill. I also listen to podcasts by Jillian Michaels, who I adore. She is a rare role model to me. The hour treadmill walk before & after work has developed into a slow jog. A couple times I dared to try outside. Recently I even contemplated 6ks and half marathons. Counting cals using on an iphone app: "LoseIt" which is awesome. Goal being about 1200 a day. Bringing food to work (for the first time ever) in my Mr.Bento. Eating every 3-4 hours. Nothing processed. Virtually off coffee. Stopped eating out which includes the frequent stops at fast food joints on the way home from work because I was famished from not eating the entire day.

I try to shop mainly at WholeFoods or TraderJoes. Whole grains, fruits, veges, tons of water (which i NEVER drank before), lean chicken breast, egg whites...I wouldn't mind going vege completely again. Eating animals never did/will sit well for me... Lost about a size every 2 weeks. (The 1st week I stopped by Sears and bought 3 duplicate pairs of black slacks, and 3 pairs of jeans in size 14, 12, and 10. I started as a tight size 16-pushing 18, and just now managed to squeeze into a 10.) What a feeling to know that if need be - I could actually go into a clothing store and actually pick something off the rack. Night and day! This all is working so well, it's been - well, it's freaky! I'm scared. Scared to get scared. Scared I will sabotage myself.

The past 2.5 weeks have been neutral though: no loss, no gain. The third week of March i volunteered in Appalachia, Eastern Kentucky . My food and time were strictly controlled by the host. Towards the end of the week, i caught a bad Kentucky bug which wiped me out last week: hacking, snotting, and sleeping. It 's only been the past few days that I've been getting back on track. Slower than i had hoped, but i am focusing on staying positive, and giving myself some space. I keep telling myself that i am not doomed. A small part of me is again, scared and unconvinced.

110 in 2010?

2010-02-07T14:35:00.005-05:00

It's a new year, it's a new decade.
I want to say my identity is taking on a metamorphoses, but I'm a little scared to commit this to writing for risk of jinxing myself; so concerned about jinxing myself. I never thought I was superstitious before - but, a life of "defeats" will get you to a place of self-protection; years of lowered expectations to ward off disappointment. You can't fail if you don't try? No, not trying is a failure in of itself. And where has it led? To years of low to high grade dissatisfaction, depression and unfulfilled potential. More recently, it has neared a critical mass that has disrupted my foundation. I've reflected; am I still a positive person? Optimistic? Idealistic? If not, than who I am? Not liking my outside has been a given since childhood, but now do I even like who I am on the inside anymore? Lately, I found myself disgusted all the time and I although I've continued to behave NICE, I wasn't sure if I truly was nice. Can I live with this? Do I want to be nice? If not, then what does this mean about who I've become? I've blamed it on my inability to weather the deleterious influence of New York culture; cynicism, aggression, coldness. But is this fair? Blaming empowers the external, and weakens my resolve.

And than I started working out. 1 hour+ before work. 1 hour after. Then like magic, I had no desire for processed junk food. Then like magic, I counted calories. And reading about nutrition and success. And yet, it doesn't hurt. I'm haven't sabotaged my success and I'm not feeling deprived. I feel stronger, and I have energy. I feel lighter in body and spirit. I "can" function in ways that have felt impossible for years - completing common domestic duties which I've neglected for years upon years; not without daily agonizing self admonishments. 's almost like a someone flipped a switch. I am
So.
So.
Proud.
But my first week into month two, I'm trying to hold back and contain some fear.
Is this real?
Is it going to last?
Can I, will I allow myself to realize my potential?

the days grind on

2009-11-29T16:56:00.004-05:00

i will myself to wake, to work, to bed
i fade in and out of consciousness
most days i am threadbare, nestled in chronic unremarkableness

medication needed

2009-05-31T16:39:00.007-04:00

depression is a bitch. it won't leave me alone. again and again it rears its ugliness. i'm sick of it. sick.

the last car in the parking lot, i creep through darkened hallways and an empty campus.
i work like a dog during the week. i dress for success. i'm showered with appreciation and praise. the fruits of my labor set me apart. how glorious. what strength!
driving home i ask the road, "who cares," and "what's the point"
then, at home, on weekends, my soft underbelly is exposed and i crumble.
can i be happy?
i don't know.

2009-05-30T19:17:00.006-04:00

funny how cyclical my life seems to be. this blog seems to illuminate it. somehow, now matter what happens, i always seem to come back to a state of indigo blues.

i have things to report. good things. suspiciously good. surprising things. i earned a M.S. a few weeks ago. it was a relatively painless and short process. and most critically, it was free. this bumps my salary. my godly boss, a VP, is heaven sent - supportive, affirming, entirely positive. he filled my head with a school year's worth of praise. so much so, he's practically got me believing it. what have i done to deserve this? strangely, my new coworkers are as equally kind. all of this diminishes the sting of the institutional dysfunction. and infuriating inertia. on the other hand, i've had great opportunity to contribute, and it's been a liberation.

on the difficult western front - the father is not well post transplant. infections. emergency bowel removal. 5 hour iv's and transfusion. my mother, the nurse, is a saint. a saint. on the eastern front are we - connected by just an electronic thread as she updates me day by day, blow by blow

weekend blahs

2009-05-30T17:12:00.005-04:00

it is quiet.
saturday morning - 5 Pm.
he sleeps to my right, but i am alone.
i awoke not long ago too.
haggard.
fatigued.
the air conditioner mushing on.
i am gelatinous.
my head, jelly.
my thoughts, slushy and thick.
i sip on the mcdonald iced coffee that the dog and i procured not long ago on our arduous voyage OUT. at which time she sniffed , and breathed, and inquired while i muddled forward begrudgingly - seeking relief from caustic rays in patches of darkened cement.
why do my guts feel like hulking water balloons?
why is my blemished face bristly?
why do i not know what to do?

Before I die

2009-02-07T04:20:00.001-05:00

I want to learn to play http://mp3.rhapsody.com/maria-joao-pires/schumann-piano-concerto-op54-piano-quintet-op44 on the piano

i'm good!

2008-12-22T23:01:00.001-05:00

did i tell you about the promotion? unrealistic! unbelievable! 4ish months ago. and get this - i'm freakin' happy with it. i have independence. my own lovely office with a view. responsibility and respect. room to be innovative. and most importantly an opportunity to do good. to help people. to have more involved relationships with staffstudentsfaculty. freakin unbelievable. somebody pinch me. i've been so nervous that it was a dream.

there real;y isn't much else to my life now. except of course the cutie. he hasn't been well actually. spent a couple weeks in the hospital last month which was scary. and difficult. and sad. its hard to see him so uncomfortable 24 7. all we can do is pray for a medical miracle. go stem cell research!

well as i type i realize there's few more things to report. but now that i have my first real job and all, i must admit i have more to lose in regards to my anonmyity. wouldn't want to give away too many details that could be traced to me. for my few old friends, perhaps i ought to come clean and start a brand new, clean cut blog. of course, not nearly as much fun.... but..... i do miss writing.... such a dilemna

and how are you all?

happy holidays.

i miss you

some progress

2008-10-05T22:55:00.002-04:00

Big promotion. now in a field that makes sense for me, is meaningful, is challenging, and sufficiently impressive. went to a conference in chicago this last week.

but he's still sick. he went off his meds and is slipping. there was an incident yesterday and it was ugly.

i was so fulfilled and excited on my way home. and now today, everything is again gray.

tomorrow back to work. i don't want to go.

2008-06-16T00:22:00.001-04:00

feeling awesome today. unfortunately have to go back to work tomorrow after 2 heavenly work/stress/anxiety/irritation free weeks of hanging out at home. started a new weekend grad class in multicult ed and its FABULOUS. the intellectual stimulation is a joyous experience that fills me with hopefulness. if i can knock out this Masters in the next year, i think i'll have many more options in life, which is something that keeps me hanging on.

Healthy Delivery Food in NY?

2008-03-24T17:14:00.001-04:00

www.OrganicDirect.com

- New York and New Jersy Organic Food Delivery! Buy direct and save. Free delivery*. (Brooklyn, NY)

Snowbird Natural Organic Foods

- Free Shop At Home Service With Free Delivery (New Rochelle, NY)

Organique

- Gourmet Foods for Health, Convenience, Indulgence (New York, NY)

• Farm Share Ltd

- Home Delivery of CSA Shares in Westchester, NY. (Larchmont, NY)

• The Full Plate Farm Collective

- 3 Farm Collective CSA. (Spencer, NY)

• Bogo Food

- BOGOFOOD sells directly to you, so you always enjoy below-retail prices. (BRIDGEHAMPTON, NY)

• Organic Roots Cafe

- Organic shop serving organic sandwiches, salads, Catering platters, & Organic Drinks. (East Greenbush, NY)

• Will's Macrobiotic Services

- Will's Macrobiotic Services. (Glen Head, NY)

• High Peaks Java

- High Peaks Java. (Glens Falls, NY)

• Garden Gate

- Home Delivery of Local Gourmet and Staple Foods. (Ithaca, NY)

• Zen Pavilion

- Zen Pavilion--Oriental Vegetarian Cuisine. (Little Neck, NY)

• Two Peas In A Pod, LLC

- Personal Chef & In-Home Catering. (New York, NY)

• The Organic Grill

- Organic Vegetarian Restaurant in East Village New York. (New York, NY)

• Lynda's Eat Well and Be Well Vegetarian Kitchen

- Healthy Organic Vegetarian Meals Delivered to Nassau and Suffolk. (Oakdale, NY)

• 1844 House An American Bistro

- Fine American Regional Cuisine with an emphasis on fresh local vegetables, meats, & cheeses.. (Potsdam, NY)

• Teri's Dairy -- Organic Home Delivery

- Teri's Dairy- certified organic beef and other local organic foods.. (Savannah, NY)

• The Hudson Milk Co., Inc.

- Organic Milk Delivery. (shrub oak, NY)

• Chef Organic

- Organic Private Chef Long Island, New York City and Upstate NY. (Southampton, NY)

• Vanda Azevedo

- Organic Personal Chef Service. (Westbury, NY)

2008-03-22T16:23:00.001-04:00

Pat Lyons and I wrote the book, Great Shape: The First Fitness Guide for Women in 1988. Since then, the interest in the topic and the resources available to large women have grown exponentially.

Large women are not morally obligated to exercise. Rather, we should have the right to pleasurable and safe physical activity. Joyful play and feeling competent in your own skin help you feel safe and healthy, combat stress and depression, and resolve many common physical problems.

Many barriers still exist when large women try to become more active. They include

less accessible clothing (although thankfully this is changing),
activities paced for lighter bodies,
possible public ridicule or hostility,
a lack of safe public spaces (especially in the evening when many women who work during the day could exercise),
lack of time,
lack of money,
lack of motivation to spend time on oneself,
the diet-and-exercise mentality many of us are still haunted by,
the diet-and-exercise mentality of other people exercising around us,
nasty memories of PE
the possibility that we don't have movement skills because we have spent our lives avoiding it.

Moreover, when our exercise schedule gets disrupted (as it does with everyone) because of deadlines, sick kids, injury, illness, etc., it can be harder to get back into the groove because

we are moving more weight and so it feels harder to move after being sedentary,
we are vulnerable to feeling like our inactive selves are our "real" selves because of the "fat and lazy" stereotype,
we are vulnerable to feeling that this disruption means we must lack will-power because of the "fat and out of control" stereotype,
if what got in the way of your exercise schedule was another person's need for you, you might feel it is being selfish to exercise.

A BodyPositive approach has the goal of integrating movement into your life for the rest of your life. If you look at it as a very long-term process, in which you never "arrive," you begin to care about how it feels day-to-day, and how to develop the skills to keep coming back. It is more like learning a foreign language:

At first it seems pretty difficult and there's more effort and self-consciousness, but there still can be fun aspects to it.
It takes a long time and a lot more effort than our quick-fix culture prepares you for.
Later when you've wrestled with it for awhile, you begin to notice more effortless moments.
If you get out of practice, you can feel overwhelmed at the thought of coming back, but once you do it, you are surprised at how much comes back easily.
When you've become fluent you can hardly imagine your life without it.

A long-term approach means you have to pay attention to

your body's hunger to move (get in touch with it! Give it a name! Write a haiku about it!)
what you find pleasurable about movement (being with other people? being alone? moving to music? to quiet? in water? on land? vigorously? gently?)
the blossoming athletic identity within you ("when it's not raining, she's gonna be outside, that's just how she is").

2008-03-09T13:37:00.001-04:00

i'm like a regular, boring dude now. plain. average. status quo.
i used to be bohemian.
funky. abstract. weird. a free spirit.
now i am capitalist cog in the wheel.
i wonder if i'll go back or continue in this path until death.
its weird to change who i am.
my brain is caught in the middle.

From My Buddy

2007-12-31T22:49:00.001-05:00

"I hope to feel your breath on my cheek for all the long years

the grip of soft hand in mine, intertwined and at rest

a head with plush hair upon my chest

I am only for your sweet smile in this my everwhile

my life just piles of memories of us, to which I sort out the best

This is my great and simple dream for all these long years

I love you. "

2007-12-31T22:25:00.001-05:00

"I don't know what your chances are in the outside world but in this car you're a veritable mack daddy."

Pathmark

2007-12-29T22:51:00.001-05:00

I finally realized.
Pathmark is the Devil. It is evil. Through and through absolute evil and it is in need of a full exorcism. Until then, I have no desire to go there again.
I did however discover Whole Foods in White Plains this last week which was heavenly. Healthy. Holistic. And Happy. I bought Nag Champa and a sparkely crystal that now hangs from my rear view mirror. I felt at home and reminded me of so many happy college memories. Although it's far away, I plan to go again and again and again.

LEEEEEEROY JEEENKINS!

2007-11-22T00:25:00.000-05:00

The circumstances leading to the popular Internet video are debated, as Ben Schultz and his fellow guild members (Pals for life) have not confirmed whether the event was staged.

The video takes place in the Upper Blackrock Spire (UBRS) instanced dungeon in World of Warcraft, inside the Rookery room, one of the most notoriously difficult sections for newcomers to the game and responsible for countless wipes and other mishaps similar to the one depicted in the video.^[1] It opens with the guild members discussing an impending raid via audio teleconferencing, complete with regimented battle plan and statistical breakdown of their survival. One of the group stated they had a "32.33% (Repeating of course) chance of survival." With a response of "That's better than we usually do." The fastidiousness of their preparations is ruined by the sudden and unexpected actions of Leeroy Jenkins, who was away from his computer. After missing the entire conversation, Leeroy suddenly charges into the Rookery, yelling, "All right, time's up! Let's do this! LEEROOOOY JENKINS!" There is about a second of stunned silence from his companions, followed by carnage when they proceed to hastily attempt the attack (as Leeroy's actions have now alerted the monsters and aggravated them). The attempted raid (and video) is filled with a lot of confusion from the team to mount their original plan, as well as insults at Leeroy (such as "Leeroy, you are stupid as hell" and "goddamnit Leeroy!"), with Leeroy calling out, "It's not my fault". The battle ends disastrously, with all the guild members lying dead on the floor, berating Leeroy for his brashness. Leeroy's only response is, "At least I ain't chicken."

my hair is a dirty mess & i don't care

2007-10-14T15:46:00.001-04:00

i can't breathe. is something clogging my nose? is it the layers and layers of fat around my lungs and organs? i feel unmotivated to move, do things, study, exist. the cutie is sleeping although its the middle of the day. i just realized today that he is the only one in my life that i talk to but we in reality don't really have much to talk about. or so it seems. do i feel lonely? work and here. work and here. am i friendless? essentially i guess. maybe this is part of why i feel so down. am i bored? what can i do to enliven our days. maybe this is why i've gained so much weight. food is the highlight of my days. one of the few aspects to enjoy. how lame is that. i've been taking the cutie's extra antidepressants and i think that they did help. maybe now i need a stronger dose? i think exercising would help too, but doing what and where? i feel uncomfortable walking around this neighborhood. our studio is too tiny for equipment. gyms bother me. so what else? i haven't come up with anything although the need is becoming dire.

2007-10-12T00:09:00.001-04:00

Sorry for my irresponsible abscense after those last posts. That was sucky of me for the couple people who may still read me once in a while. My Dad has recovered for the moment and doing fine.

Life continues. And I continue not blogging. Nothing interesting in this moment to say. Nothing new. Nothing stimulating. Progressive. Regressive. Just nothing.

Nothing nothing nothing.

Maybe later though.

Meanwhile, blah.

Email From Mom Last Night

2007-08-16T08:18:00.001-04:00

Dad has been to see a couple different doctors this week, and is having several tests done, including a biopsy. You remember the horrible eye and ear infections from about 2 1/2 weeks ago on our trip. Now, he's developed several oozing blister-like sores on his arm, causing redness and lots of swelling. They're testing for a Staph infection. However, today, the dermatologist took a biopsy that he's sending to Seattle. He believes there's a chance that Dad could have a more serious type of Leukemia (AML). (He didn't like the steady drop in Neutrophils (sp?) in the blood tests.) We probably won't know anything for about a week, but Dad would need immediate chemotherapy if this is the case.

The sore arm does seem to be responding to strong antibiotics today, so that is good news. This was potentially scary news, but remember it's not certain. We'll just have to wait and see.

Love,

Mom

Email From My Dad This Morning

2007-08-16T08:17:00.001-04:00

Well, I can't be sure but I think I'm in trouble. Thanks to my alert Dermatologist I hopefully will be early in fighting this new disease. What I pick up is that it can be caused by a earlier Chemo....Go Figure!!!!! My Dermatologist is going to recommend that I go to a doctor at the University of Washington. I am going to go for that second opinion as fast as I can.. Regardless of what the test show on my arm I still have all the symptoms of AML..

Shortness of Breath

Back-joint pain

imature lymph cells

low level neutrophil 1.2

4 months ago ITP

WBC 3.6

This new round of chemo will be very strong as the success rate is not good...3 weeks to 3 months.. Acute AML

Shock of Shocks

2007-08-14T20:25:00.001-04:00

Met with the VP today for over 3 hours. The first time we've ever spoken ever, with the exception of "hello" as she passes by on her way to meet with my direct supervisor. Who could have guessed ~ she's progressive and personable, open to ideas and well-intentioned! Between this and the frightening surprise meeting with the President last I feel, for the first time since starting at this college, an actual sense of optimism about its prospects. And my suspicion that my immediate supervisor is the root of most insanity has been infinitely supported. I can't tell you how validating this felt. Empowering even. In addition, upon hearing of my 6 month struggle to get a response from HR department, and the ultimately being shut down regarding starting a Masters at the college, the VP said in an instant - "No problem, when do you want to start?! Now? January" I was stunned. Thrilled. Finally beginning a (free) Masters program is definitely a concrete incentive to want to stick around for more than today. And in multicultural education no less. Highly highly cool. And in this moment I feel GREAT.

Reaching

2007-08-05T16:48:00.000-04:00

Again, in pain, he sleeps. I'm browsing and haphazardly buying domain names - searching for inspiration. Tuesday he has an appointment with a new doctor we hope will be the one to save him. Cautiously optimistic, we play the lottery of life.

2007-08-05T14:01:00.001-04:00

Weekends are hard lately. There is so much time and nothingness. I'm weepy and lost. Despondant and frustrated with the tedium. Looking at Victor's Bautista's stunning photos reminds me of my love of photography. Some day I will have a camera and photoshop and unleash my passion. Reading my herofriend Elizabeth Briel reminds me of far away places. Beautiful and enchanted artistry. Reading today's junk mail reminds me if only I had "Bowflex" I could dream of being fit. Driving past the Yoga/Tai Chi place on the way to Starbucks reminds me that I could begin classes and become spiritually grounded. Listening to the car radio reminds me of my inner musician and that I could some day have instruments to play and space to create.
And then I return to our room and our giant plasma tv and we sit and we stare and the days go by.

wickedpoplock

2007-08-03T21:16:00.001-04:00

My stomach was in knots

2007-08-03T21:02:00.001-04:00

Called down by the president to discuss a rash of complaints coming into his office about our office not picking up phones. Of course, not our fault: 3-4 people can only physically pick up and help so many people per minute. (We average 25 calls an hour from students, parents, community members and staff). And its
just
too
much.
Thankgod psycho boss is gone for 3 weeks on vacation.
But even this respite from tyranny is not enough.
Being angrily summoned by the President is icing on the pestilient cake.
And specifically me. Why me? I mean, WTF.
Turns out, the next morning he revised the meeting to an invitation for lunch for the 3 of us and we closed the office and nervously went. We joked about packing our things and bringing our purses to make for a smooth departure after receiving pink slips.
Turns out, he just wanted to "talk" and hear our thoughts. Bullya!
As I encouraged my coworkers to come as prepared as possible with our OWN agenda (regardless of his) since we have much to say about what is wrong and what needs to be improved (which ultimately we pay for as being the front lines dealing with the irate public at the office ineptitude, disorganization and unresponsiveness), remarkably, it turned out we actually had an opportunity to discuss it. And even more remarkably, even MIRACULOUSLY
HE WAS TOTALLY ON THE SAME PAGE.
He was funny, and down to earth, and endearing.
AND HE WAS 100% TOTALLY ON THE SAME PAGE with everything we said.
Total exact opposite of psychosupervisor.
Oh it was such a relief.
And today I feel a sense of hope that I probably I haven't had since starting there over a year ago.

seriously

2007-07-28T04:43:00.000-04:00

how surprised would u be to learn that i frequently consider stand-up comedy?

reading my dribble i bet you'd never guess.

but u know they say comics are often miserable people

insatiable

2007-07-28T04:13:00.000-04:00

hello.
it is 4am.
the cutie is sleeping to my right.
i am listening to katg - something he just discovered and now follows religiously.
what is the word now?
angst?
self hate?
confusion?
probably disgust.
i'm too dissatisfied to sleep. i need to fill myself with something. i'm hungry. for.
for.
for.
for what?!
researching domain names. maybe i could start a website? with what content? but that would be weird and self absorbed? and why would i do this? art work? music that i haven't yet created and likely won't, yet feel i ought to and would like too? writing that would be too revealing to use my real name? some sort of business idea?
shit.
real estate? organizing. paint it pottery. dance that i'm too fat and out of practice to teach. doggie daycare. photography. whatever.
whatever.
shit.
i'll likely not amount to crap. i hate to give up. but. my fortune cookie reads "life points to big things as unattainable". i've maybe now adjusted and begun to believe in the joy and satisfaction of a healthy, loving relationship. it took a while to believe in the cutie's love for me. 3 years last wednesday.
3 years since we met at his apartment door.
so what's wrong with me. why then do i feel empty?
the shitty shitty unhealthy job? no real friends to speak of? family far away in every respect?
i have love but still feel alienated.
what is wrong with me
do i need a hobby? something to do? a way to not hate myself?
reading this reminds me to find a counselor
i think i'm going downhill
again.
oh god, how many times have you heard me say this?

inexplicably grumpy. again.

2007-07-16T14:55:00.001-04:00

i did lexapro for several months and i strongly suspect it helped me. because in this moment i have that i-wanna-cry-for-no-real-good reason feeling that i used to have so often. i think i need to call someone and get a real presciption for real. (i was just borrowing someone else's who wasn't using it).

i hate this feeling.

besides that things are ok. pretty good, i guess. i can't complain. the only really sad thing about life is that The Cutie is in pain all of the time. that is terrible. as bad as it can get. to see someone you love never feel quite comfortable. every day is a struggle for him. terrible.

but, we have a nice, safe place to live. a job that pays a living wage. a beautiful running new car. the cutest, sweetest doggie on planet earth. and most importantly each other. what more can i ask for? i feel blessed by the universe to have met the Cutie. and i wrote him today to tell him so since last night he said he felt bad because he thought i was unhappy or that he was a burden because of his poor-health. that's so sad. i'm so sorry that he has to think such things. why can't i make him better? :( . . .

.......other news: i've gained back the 50 pounds that dropped off my first year with him. it feels terrible and heavy. i am uncomfortable and its hard to move. i don't know what to do and feel overwhelmed by the burden of it and sometimes i'm so depressed i feel like giving up caring about my weight at all. well, in a way i guess i allready have.

i think it's best i get back into counseling.

and i've been saying this for a couple years now.

july 26 (i think?) according to the Cutie will be our anniversary. he's so good about remembering it. i would have absolutely no idea if it wasn't for him. isn't that sweet that he remembers? i think it is. i think its been 3 years. i know it can't be 4 and 2 sounds like too little. yes, it must be 3 years. can you believe that? shocking.

i wonder when we'll get married. i wonder what it will be like and where it will be. i wonder how fat i will be and what i'll look like in the dress. i wonder if i will be sad because i'll be so fat that i'll ruin the once-in-a-lifetime opportunity and have fugly photos.

arg so depressing.

i'm at work right now. i'm almost always totally on task and working my butt off. i'm driven and crazy-effient while i'm here. i have can honestly say that i am excellent worker. but not now. not in this moment. i am writing because i am trying to help myself. i am trying to boost my mood and feel better. i am trying to remove myself from this fragile state of mind.

again, i repeat myself when i say, i miss blogging. and i do.

i miss it alot!

2007-06-10T01:14:00.001-04:00

Inaction breeds doubt and fear.
Action breeds confidence and courage.
If you want to conquer fear, do not sit home and think about it.
Go out and get busy.

--Dale Carnegie

RP -It's you!

2007-06-07T15:55:00.001-04:00

oh my RP, that's worrisome. saturated, you say? zoinks! sounds like you may not think this is a good idea.

and on a side note, I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU STILL READ ME!!!

YAY!

That makes very happy.

It's great to hear from you! (and i hope my impeach button didn't offend you too too terribly).. funny, i thought of you when i posted it.. =)

Are you sick of it?!

2007-06-06T22:09:00.000-04:00

Make your voice heard!

I wrote in and received two nifty responses from congress, including the following...

Thank you for your e-mail.  It is very important to me to know the issues
that are of concern to you.  A growing number of my constituents are now
choosing to communicate with me via e-mail.  I hope you will understand
that, because of the volume and range of e-mails I receive, it can take
some time to send a response that specifically addresses the subject
raised in your message.  I do, however, want to let you know immediately
that your message has been received.  Hearing from you and others through
e-mail helps me to quickly learn the views and interests of  New Yorkers
and others, which is very helpful to me in my work in the United States
Senate.   I hope you will continue to monitor my work through my website
at http://clinton.senate.gov, and I welcome hearing from you.

Sincerely,

Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton

Nice

2007-06-06T19:46:00.000-04:00

PhizzyPhat

2007-06-06T19:43:00.001-04:00

Inspiring

2007-06-06T19:40:00.000-04:00

2007-06-06T10:29:00.001-04:00

I'm so tired, I feel like passing out right here on my desk. I'd guess this is because during the last 2 weeks of "vacation" (spent at home on the couch in front of the computer/tv), The Cutie and I stayed up until the wee hours of the morning, (his typical schedule but not mine). Now that I've been so rudely re-introduced to my job, I'm

struggling to readjust my time clock.

Did I tell you that starting taking a Real Estate course? It gives me something to do/learn/sorta dream about. I have fantasies of fat commissions, indendence and helping people. Is this realistic or close to true?

I don't know.

What worries me is the repeated warning from prospective agenices that I must be able to live off savings for the 1st year. Is that even possible?

Spying is fun!

2007-06-02T19:18:00.001-04:00

Cool Time Square "Earth Cam"

Interview with Mary Murphy - (You Think You Can Dance)

2007-05-31T16:55:00.001-04:00

TVGuide.com: How much depends on their physical appearance?
Murphy: If they're not well groomed, if they look a mess, it starts giving us a picture of what they really feel about themselves, so of course appearances are everything. They need to walk on that stage with all the confidence in the world, because if they don't, I'm not going to be very confident in them, either.

TVGuide.com: That's good to know. What other advice do you have?
Murphy: The absolute biggest tip I can share is that if you have any great signature moves, don't mess about, get to it. It's too often that dancers keep padding a routine with hardly anything, and then all of a sudden they have this fabulous move towards the end. A lot of times we will cut you off, so we never even get to see that move. We usually make up our minds in less than 30 seconds about whether we want to see you come back or not.

TVGuide.com: How much depends on their physical appearance?

Why are the British so much funnier than we are?

2007-04-26T14:14:00.001-04:00

VOTE NOW: Should Vice Presdent Cheney be IMPEACHED?

2007-04-25T14:57:00.001-04:00

TELL CONGRESS WHETHER TO IMPEACH VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY OR NOT

On April 24, 2007, U.S. House Representative Dennis Kucinich introduced
H.Res. 333, calling for articles of impeachment to be sent to the U.S Senate
with regards to Vice President Richard B. Cheney.

We have created a VOTING action page on this. We want maximum participation
so we can reflect the true sense of the American people. Please vote
whether you support impeachment or not.

ACTION PAGE: http://www.usalone.com/cheney_impeachment.php

The grounds of the proposed impeachment are that the Vice President:

1. fabricated a threat of Iraqi weapons of mass destruction,
2. purposely manipulated the intelligence process to deceive the citizens
and Congress of the United States about an alleged relationship between Iraq
and al Qaeda, and
3. has threatened aggression against the Republic of Iran absent any real
threat to the United States, all in detriment to the national interest of
the United States.

If you are an established commentator on the internet or elsewhere, and you
have arguments to submit on either side of the issue, please email back with
links and we will put them also on the action page.

Please take action NOW, so we can win all victories that are supposed to be
ours, and forward this message to everyone else you know.

If you would like to get alerts like these, you can do so at
http://www.usalone.com/in.htm

Or if you want to cease receiving our messages, just use the function at
http://www.usalone.com/out.htm

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Indigo, remember

2007-04-23T13:14:00.001-04:00

Give love to be loved.

Brainstorming?

2007-04-09T11:45:00.000-04:00

I must find a direction; hobby, sport, excercise routine, fulfilling job, a dam goal, something to work towards. I need a path. Somewhere to go, something to do. Why am I sitting still night after night? Trudging off to a "toxic" (wink to jm), taxing, soul-stealing job day after day. Particularly because there's probably so many things that i could enjoy. I do worry about spending time away from The Cutie. I need to come home right away to take the Doggie out and make sure they both have something to eat, although I'm not a particularly good provider in that department anyway. Also, I worry all day about his pain level, his sugar levels, and generally his state of mind and want to make sure he's okay. And then, by the time I get home we really only have a few hours before it's bedtime again. On the other hand, when I think about it, does it really make so much of a difference if I'm there? Maybe not always. Most of the time we aren't interacting too much because he's on the computer or watching tv, and I'm sitting behind him with this laptop on my lap. We do fit it some laughter and driveby hugs as one of us grabs a soda from the fridge and that sort of thing, but that's often it. A know too he'd encourage me get out and do something. I'm sure I'd be happier. But feel guiltier? I would feel so guilty! But why? Because I know he's stuck at home - miserable and in pain? What right do I have to leave him. It's not right. Not being able to concretely help him in any way is... is.... well it's torture. I can't stand it. It makes me feel so useless and inadquate. Why can't I make the pain go away?
.
.
.
.
And this is where I often get stuck. But this post began to brainstorm ways for me to improve myself/my state of mind, and that is what I will get back to. It's all such a jumbled mess. Everything is out of order in my mind. I don't know where to start. I don't know what to do or what I want. So let me start at the beginning with a list of things that make me happy, that sound interesting or fun, or things that might be fun to do.

Grad School?
Massage Therapy
Expressive Arts Therapy
Organizational Psychology

Take Classes for Health?
Martial Arts
Salsa
African

Take Classes for enjoyment?
Singing
Guitar
Film
Acting

Give classes?
I.nd.i.an d.anc.e?

Other things that sound like fun but i feel too guilty/unmotivated to do
call friends"
travel
sightsee manhattan
go to a broadway play
can't think of anything else!!! i'm stuck!

Things that I should do and will make me feel better but am procrasting/feel blocked from doing- which makes me feel terrible:
cleaning/organizing the studio
laundry
taxes
walk the doggie
brush the doggie's teeth
find the doggie's toothbrush
make doctor appointments - optometrist/dermatologist/general checkup/gynecologist
see a psychologist - that specializing in eating disorders preferrably
find a psyc for the Cutie
cook

2007-04-07T23:41:00.000-04:00

2007-04-07T23:35:00.001-04:00

2007-04-03T13:18:00.001-04:00

holy cow, my very first entry with my portable cell phone fold up
keyboard. let the coolness begin. (all thanks to princess seakitty
for turning me on to the concept. and by the way, are you still out
there? I lost your site! and how is the litle one? growing like a
weed?)) JM, I found your comments to be wonderful and I reflected
quite a lot on them. thank you. and thanks for those few who still
read me despite me sporatic, far between posts. that's terribly
humbling and an honor.

bored

2007-03-18T18:16:00.001-04:00

is my life wasted?

2007-03-05T12:15:00.000-05:00

i could cry.

i could cry right now.

right here at my desk.

2007-03-05T11:04:00.000-05:00

an idiot. bafoon. the maturity of a 5th grader. socially strange. passive agressive. inconsistant and hypocritical. mean-spirited and cloaked in fake niceties. i do not like her. she makes our lives hell.

who am i becoming

2007-03-05T11:00:00.000-05:00

am i turning into a jerk?

i'm not sure if i care what people think of me anymore

i'm not sure i care about appearing "nice"

work is really wearing on me

i am tired of the these unrealistic arbitrary unfair demands

covering for others who are not held responsible - working 2-3 times harder than others because they are not held accountable - because they are talking all day on their cell phone - because they walk away on their desks for extended unnaccounted for breaks - because they blatantly ignore students and phone calls and they are left standing standing standing unless i alone acknowledge/help them

i am so frustrated

i have been feeling trapped in here

put out many resumes with little/no response

what's next? what do i do now? how do i get out of here? what will i make of my life? where am i going

2007-01-30T19:34:00.000-05:00

Another trip to the ER at 3:00am this morning. A lapse in his insurance for 3 days and his pain patch ran out. A pain level of 7 on the Cutie scale, but I'd estimate a 10 on normal human scale. Terrible! We waited for 3 hours before the 60 second doctor visit. 2 pain pills there, and 2 to go and call your doctor. Not very satisfying, not too much relief for him. A fast acting shot was what was really needed. Not having to wait yet another 1/2 hour for a mediocre lessening of long-lasting agony. During all of it, as usual, he kept his sense of humor,and dignity. How does he manage the way that he does? How does one trudge on day after day when so tyrannized? I admire him. I love him. I want him to feel better. I don't want him to hurt. I to find him an answer and make it go away. It breaks my heart.

i'm so tired

2007-01-26T22:32:00.000-05:00

exhausted really
working way way too much
midnight then 10:30 then 10:00 tonight 8:00 - and never extra pay
makes me so mad - makes me furious! but i've sent out about 10 resumes this week.
i really fear losing my mental health if i don't make a move quick

2007-01-21T15:39:00.000-05:00

2007-01-08T23:39:00.000-05:00

I have to admit, there's so much about my job that is miserable - mainly the LoonyBossLady. But nonetheless, I'm not okay with allowing myself to be the reactive, high-strung, frustrated person I often find myself being. Not being defensive while being continually attacked is a challenge that I need to meet. How do I do that? How do I relax despite unfair, senseless hostility? Not sure yet, but I need to find a way because in the big scheme of things, this is so extremely small potatoes. I once thought that something like this silly job would be no challenge at all. But I so often feel like I lost myself somewhere. Where is the balance, the wisdom that I think I may have had? (for a period)

I wish I had any/all of my things that I left in Hawaii in some guys garage do remind me of who I was. I think I'd find inspiration. I think I'd feel reconnected to who I was and things I could be proud of.

Meanwhile, I'm feeling gun ho about regaining physical health. In the 1st year with the cutie, I inadvertently lost 50 pound through practicing intuitive eating, expressing my emotions, keeping a food journal, identifying my hunger levels and stopping when I was full. In the 2nd year (I just discovered after weighing myself at my folks house over the holiday) I gained 30 again! That's sad. And with an impending wedding (GASP), I feel a renewed commitment to getting it together for myself, and us. So, today after work I bought a nifty healthy cookbook, a pedometer, a lunchbox/Tupperware to bring food to work, and a blank dated book to use as a food journal. I'm ready! I must admit, even though I'm completely anti-diet, starting one is something that I've been contemplating. But ultimately, I believe going on a diet will be counter productive and cause me to backslide into food obsession and self-hate. So, unless I change my mind, I can always reserve this as a future option if I I could handle a diet without triggering myself/binging/etc. Meanwhile I'll do the aforementioned which seem worthwhile too. More so even!

OMG

This is so HARD to write/type/blog with this TV on. I can't hear my thoughts! I can't focus. I forget what I've said by the end of the sentence. What am I going to do? I'd like to start blogging again as a part of my therapeutic journey, but the Cutie never turns it off! The only quiet time that I can think of would be weekend mornings before he is awake. I did recently splurge and by myself a TREO. I did so with a prominent motivation to someday start blogging with a portable keyboard like the one Seakitty uses. I think its such a cool idea. And now I even have a few FAT purses that would accommodate it... I can't quite justify the 100 bucks yet though..... Does anyone know of somewhere cheaper?

When I think about it, I think blogging was a crucial element to my healing/growth.

I want to change my life

2007-01-07T23:56:00.000-05:00

I want to be a better person

i want to be healthy

i want to lose a hundred pounds

i want to be patient, and loving and good

i want to love people. i want them to feel loved and then in turn to love

i want life to be a better for us to all to live

i want us to feel hope

i want to feel hope

i want to see through a child's eyes now and again

the cutie propsed on xmas day

in front of my family!

he proposed!

You'll never guess

2006-11-05T09:33:00.000-05:00

I'm feeling happy.

Even content.

Grateful.

And hopeful for what's to come.

where have i been?

2006-09-23T13:52:00.000-04:00

mostly working.
very late hours.
and then playing wow before crashing, rinsing and repeat.
haven't even read anyone's blogs so i don't know what's going on with you either.
what's going on with you?
but, on the bright side i have exciting news: tomorrow the cutie and i are doing something! something fun!
we're going a cruise to the bahamas!
how about that?!
who would have guessed.
it happened suddenly and i don't know what to expect (haven't been on a cruise before) and never had an official vaction from a workplace.
i'll tell you about it when we return. or, even, maybe while i'm there if they have internet on the boat. (do they have internet on boats?) they should, right? i don't know. we'll see. but have a wonderful week and pray we don't hit an iceberge will ya please?

x0x0x0

indigo

Nifty Map thing

2006-08-19T11:28:00.000-04:00

create your own visited country map
or check our Venice travel guide

create your own personalized map of the USA
Should I inlude states I just drove through on a road trip? I don't think that counts.

Odissi

2006-08-11T11:48:00.000-04:00


The last dance to be done in a performance ~ the dance of liberation ~ the dance of transcendence ~ the dance of peace and joy.

2006-08-11T10:50:00.000-04:00

Weekend Wedding

2006-08-07T21:48:00.000-04:00

He's edgy today ~ I think its his pain - it's making him hostile. He sarcastically barked at drivers all the way home. The unpredictability of it made me ill at ease and slightly fearful. I stayed quiet not wanting to fan the flames . But it will pass. Probably when the new patch that he just applied to his chest kicks in. As I type, he just demanded someone "BE QUIET" who was talking over him in his vent WOW guild chat. Sounded strange. I hope that patch kicks in soon. I feel so sorry for him. I can't imagine what it would be like to be in constant pain.

Every

single

day.

It's so terrible.

It's so unfair.

We went to his best friend's wedding over the weekend. (It was his bachelor party that left us in the hospital for 3 days last weekend.) We had a long drive and arrived at the groom's new house late. The old tiny brick home was a flurry of activity: cute little boy-men in various states of dress - scampering about looking for socks and hairspray and fighting over the tiny bathroom mirror. Being the only girl-woman present, I had the honor of hastily pinning corsages (is that what they're called for men?) on handsome chests and straightening little black ties.

"Is this right? Should it be higher?"

"Just a little higher, here, like this." As I reached out, hoping to assuage some nerves.

It was

just

so

cute.

They were all so,

so

cute.

Then suddenly it seemed all of the lapels had lined up, anxiously waiting for my help. I felt special and important and needed. Silly and true. I was working on the third when interrupted by the arrival of an outlandishisly long white Hummer outside.

"We'll do the rest in the limo!" The groom exclaimed - nervously rushing the gang.

I hopped in my car to follow them since I didn't know my way when I noticed that we'd just made a giant loop around the block. The limo door flung open and the groom sprinted back inside the house, retrieving the wedding ring-pillow. Again we departed only to loop back again. The groom made a second mad dash to retrieve another overlooked wedding accoutrement. My heart raced for him. And when finally our 2 vehichle caravan arrived at the strange purple carpeted revival church, he realized that in his haste and excitement he'd forgotten something else - a CD - The Wedding march!

"I'll get it!" I volunteered, excited to be involved. I scribbled driving directions from The Cutie on a florescent orange The Lord Is Our Savior flyer, quickly took the groom's keys and cell phone and drove as fast as I possibly could in hopes of saving the day. I was on a mission. And happy.

* * *

He was in the wedding party and was so handsome in his tux. But the tux was heavy and the church was sweltering ~ I'd say 88 degrees? It was 4:00pm and he hadn't eaten a thing all day. I worried he'd pass out from a combination of low sugar and the strain of standing for such an extended period of time. Not to mention the danger of heat prematurely releasing a larger dose of fentanyl in his chest patch, making him sick or high or both. People die from fentanyl overdoses.

Big black women fanned themselves with programs handed out at the door laced with pink ribbon bows, reminding me of an old black southern church. The white preacher man wore scuffed white patent leather shoes with his black suit and used a poor man's grammar, wandering off topic and self-indulgently drifting about. He startled me with words like "stinky" and talked at length about "how many people these days get divorced and how men use up all of women's good years and then when they hit their 40's and 50's, and their wife gains a little weight, they run off and find themselves a 20 year old." An occasional "AMEN" or knowing "mmm hmmmm" rang out from the rows behind me making me glad that at least someone was getting something out of his peculiar delivery. I wondered privately if a guilty conscious informed his lecture. Everyone knows marriages are doomed these days ~ but why rub it in your face on your wedding day! So gloomy. So gauche.

And then the vows.... Preacherman made the groom and bride repeat word for word a long series of what sounded again like impromptu phrases. They seemed to ramble strangely and precariously on. When finally the groom was prompted to say, "Precious" ~ a good part of us did all that we could to contain the giggling.

"Precious," he repeated, stiffling his own chuckle.

But when promted next to add "My precious" half of the church could no longer contain themselves, and exploded into overflowing laughter. Others sat silent ~ perhaps confused.

A bit later the groom was promted:

"Your lips," "your lips"

"Are like strawberry's" "Are like ::chuckle:: strawberries " And he threw back his head and released a laugh.

The bride looked much less amused.

Maybe she didn't get the allusion. Or maybe she did but didn't find it funny. But why didn't she? At some point it all just became simply too ridiculous to overlook. Even on your wedding day. Especially on your wedding day. Or, maybe she stood before those 150 people, sweat falling from her beautiful done-up face, bewildered and alone. Did the laughter make her feel alienated on the one day that was supposed to be strictly hers? I contemplated it as she not-so-coyly plucked a crumbled Kleenex from her bosom, swabbed her sweaty upper lip and with a bend of her wrist tucked it back from whence it came. I wondered if my sense of bewilderment and disbelief suggested that I was snotty.

On the other hand, the receiption was as lavish as the church was hokey ~ and everything about it felt glamorous and ornate. Oversized mirrored walls, and white sparkeling points of light in tremendous crystal light pieces overhead like Saks Fifth Avenue New York at Christmas. The food too was as immaculate as plentiful, the DJ as entertaining as the photographers professional. It was lovely. And the Cutie and I danced for the very first time! The first time in our first 2 years of life together. (Our anniversary was July 25.)

2 years!

We talked about marriage and if it was in our future. He said he thinks of it every week and yet is still ambivalent. Regardless, he says, he wouldn't be able to do it for at least another two years.

Sad.

Sad?

I felt rejected and relieved.

Frustrated and glad.

I want him to want me. But maybe I'm jaded now too. Is marriage realistic? Useful? Necessary? Why do it? For the family? For religion? For security? For ownership? Isn't that entrapment? Is that fair? This young couple spent 16,000 dollars on this ceremony. Sixteen thousand dollars on this single day. And today as I type the day is gone. What a way to start a new life. In debt and stressed out. As if being a new home owner is enough. As if completely altering your life isn't enough. I wonder how they'll feel post-Aruba. Will they still feel they're meant for each other? As reality and bills and dishes and open toilet seat covers set in, will they begin to crumble? Are my good years being used up like those young women that the white shoed preacher spoke of? And will I be left childless and alone?

A weekend to never repeat

2006-08-01T21:06:00.000-04:00

"Somethings wrong! He's not doing so good!"

The bubbly man-nurse observed me cautiously, "Why. What's going on?"

Give facts - be concise- sound credible, 'He's um. He's writhing around and in allota pain."

Mannurse nodded and I rushed back to The Cutie's bedside. Then, before my eyes he deteriorated from bad to worse.   When the whimpering began my heart died a thousand times and when the tears came my heart was eviscerated. Frantic, I raced to the nurse station and pleaded,

"Please hurry! He's getting really bad!"

And Supermannurse transformed into a hero as he finally he rushed off, activated retrieving relief.

The moments before the shot came was clearly the most excruciating millenium that I've ever experienced. By the time the kindly bespeccled doctor arrived we were bawling. I can hardly type it. I can't barely think of it. The horror. The pain of seeing The Cutie, my love, in agony. The pain of his pain.   My god.   What could possibly be worse?

He said he wasn't going to drink and I never doubted him. He's levelheaded, and a man of his word. Not to mention that 50% of his dozen daily medications have giant flaming red "DO NOT DRINK ALCOHOL" stickers wrapped around them, so it would behooooooove him not to. Diabetes + alcohol is a recipe for disaster. But as I'm sure you'd suspect from my lengthly preface, douchebag had 5 drinks at his best friend's bachelor party Saturday night leading to 10 hours of vomitting, leading to 3 days 2 nights of IV's & harried nurses, leading to my 5 days of sleepless bedside worry while trying to be his voice and protectorate. Thank goodness the hospital is but a stone's throw away and little doggie is the best doggie in the world; adapting well to life in her box with the exception of my half time food visits and and quarterly bathroom/mini-walks in the 100+ degree NY sweltering air. I missed two days of work. And comically my first 2 days as an exempt college "Administrator" at that. (hahaha - is that as amusing to you as it is to me?) Just riding the wave of life - unpredictable as it is.

Off to the store to retrieve water. His sugar is still high at 300. Guess we're home but not yet fully recovered. What jouney its been these past few days.

Another Day Another Dollar

2006-08-01T06:04:00.000-04:00

Just arrived at work. I'm determined to not let it get me down. Today is going to be a good day! I don't care what happens! I will not let it get me down. It's not worth it. It's up to me how I feel.

A day of Peace

2006-07-19T16:45:00.000-04:00

The phones are down which means no displaced angry accusations, no frustrated venters, no idiotic repetitious questioning, and no interruptions!

Praise the Lord!

As far as customer service, I always saw myself as gifted, until now, that is. Things are getting to me. Yesterday I almost had a meltdown after a call from HR informing me I'd be required to pay for Health Benefits for an entire month that I actually couldn't use them at all. Didn't have an insurance card and couldn't make appointments. Completely deflated and tired, I mumbled "Ok. It doesn't matter. I'm just tired of fighting." The Director called me back immediately alarmed which made me start cracking up right in the middle of the room on the phone. Kindness does that to me. If only people could maintain a constant level of indifference towards me, it would be much easier to maintain composure. But at that point I was so embarrassed that I couldn't formulate any decent sentences anyway and was thoroughly humiliated by my unintentional show of emotion. I AM tired though. I'm so so tired. 6 interviews and almost an entire year later I'm STILL being put on hold in regards to an actual position here. ("The proposal needs to be signed by the VP and Pres) Broken promises Broken Promises Broken Promises~ why is it so hard to simply honor what YOU'VE already proposed? I mean, did I make this up? No! Last Tuesday when I finally received an official offer (after my SIXTH interview for the school - the SECOND for the actual position I'm working in the same department with the same Bosslady. DUH!) , I quietly expressed disappointment as it didn't match what was formerly promised even in writing! (I NEVER and i repeat NEVER would have returned had I not a guarantee, IN WRITING that I would not be screwed over again~ Burned once - Shame on you? Burned twice - shame on you? Burned thrice - SHAME ON ME!!!) And $4 dollars less an houris allot in my life right now. ALLOT) The kindly looking old HR man looked downwards at his papers, and if I didn't know better, I might venture to was embarrassed for the organization. At least I hope he was. He needed to be. Unscrupulous! Unethical! Simply wrong. And this is a religious institution no less? Bah! You'd be a fool to not see this transparent incongruous empty "offer." And this after returned AGAIN "to help" the extremely short-staffed, chaotic, over-stressed department in a desparte need AFTER the the thorough humiliaton of being kicked to the curb twice for position previously promised to me. Again and again. Anyway...

At least the CrazyBossLady is gone for the day along with her authoritarian 12 year old who's "worked" with us each day for the past few weeks - issuing commands as translated from her manic overbearing mother. The fruit doesn't fall far from the tree and we cringe as she approaches - stopping and staring intently inches away from our desks as she waits while we address student or faculty walk-ins. In her 12 year old voice, she clumsily answers the phones and occasionally shouts to Mommy for further directions. It's so embarrassing. As if one of them isn't enough ~ now they've multiplied! The Cutie threatens to call CPS and fulfill my secret evil dream. HA! But no, we suck it up and bear it. Like so many other aspects of this nut-house office. Day by day. I keep my eyes on the paycheck and keep planning to job-search yet again. When I have the strenght. True its a paycheck, but still, I'm not totally dead yet. Not yet. I want more. But I keep wondering what lessons I should take from this? I'm 3 for 3 now for the jobs in New York. Is there any meaning to that? Is it a sign that it will be the same everywhere? To live a life as an employee, will I be inevitably required to grin and bear impatience, unkindness, arrogance, dogmatic rigidity, irrationality.

I suspect I'm much to sensitive to survive in New York.

I think it's going to eat me alive.

2006-07-18T10:03:00.000-04:00

It seems like everyday is a fight. Why does everything require a fight? Why don't people just honor their agreements. Why don't people just do what's right. I'm so tired of fighting. Every day is seems to be yet another fight. I'm tired. Tired of it. Tired.

Thank god

2006-07-15T21:05:00.000-04:00

It's the weekend! Yay! Relief!
Peace!

Bad Bosses and How to Handle Them

2006-07-14T20:05:00.000-04:00

By BARBARA MOSES
Globe & Mail May 6, 2002

SHe goes from strength to strength, even though everyone knows he has the spine of a jellyfish. He won't lobby for the resources you need, or stand up for you on critical issues. As a result, you are doing work below your own standards, but he doesn't seem to care -- so long as it gets done within the budget.

At the first sign of a conflict, he runs. He tolerates toxic behaviour from your co-workers and perhaps even encourages petty rivalries. He is a classic example of the weak manager, and a very bad boss.

Bad bosses -- whether jerks, bullies, or micro-managers -- have always been with us. Today, however, we're seeing more bad bosses than ever before. As a result of institutionalized leanness, overextended managers are both short-tempered and too busy or ill-trained to provide staff with the support they need. No one has as much power as a bad boss to unnerve you and wreak havoc on your sense of self-esteem. This is why it is commonly said that people don't quit jobs, they quit bosses.

What makes for a bad boss? Some are just plain nasty, but often, a bad boss is all in the eye of the beholder. One person's boss from hell may be another person's pinup. If you need regular direction, for example, you will be miserable with a hands-off, absentee manager, but if you have strong needs for autonomy you will flourish under the same regime.

Then again, the problem could be simply bad chemistry. She's an introvert and you're an extrovert. You like direction, she thinks you're "needy." You like to go home at six, she's a workaholic. So before you assume your boss is a complete jerk, ask yourself: Does she get along with others? Does she pick on everyone, or just you?

The key to getting on with a boss is to manage him by understanding his underlying motivations, which may be different than you think. Here are some common types of bad bosses, their motivations, and strategies for dealing with them. If you're a manager, look for yourself in these descriptions:

The weak manager

She won't stand up for you. She aggressively avoids taking risks. She's vague and her commitments have the sticking power of water.

But the underlying causes of her behaviour can vary. Often, she simply wants to be liked by everyone, and can't stand conflict. It's also possible she's too busy to understand when there is a problem, or too burned out to care. Frequently, such managers are reluctant to be managers at all, and would much rather be getting on with their own work as individuals.

They may also be ill-trained, and lacking management skills.

If you are dealing with a weak manager, identify the problem. For example, if your manager needs to be liked by everyone, avoid communications that suggest contentious or highly charged emotional issues. Where you can, solve conflicts yourself. If her problem is that she is spineless and refuses to take on any leadership role, talk to your boss's boss.

If your boss is too burned out to care or is a reluctant manager, work around her. Take the initiative to set out the parameters of the work. Give yourself the feedback you need. Pin your boss down by e-mail to a suggested meeting time.

Make her life easy by only talking to her about critical issues. If your boss is lacking management skills, tell her what you need from her to do your job. Then cover yourself by sending an e-mail.

The political manager

He has an unerring ability to know what will make him look good. He will go to bat for you only on issues that serve his political agenda. He's sneaky and plays favourites. He won't think twice about using you as a sacrificial lamb to support his own career goals.

Support his high need for recognition by making him look good on strategic projects. Focus your own efforts on "high-value" work. Be prepared to share the limelight, even if it kills you. Don't trust him to have your own interests at heart. Pitch him on work you want to do by emphasizing its profile and importance to senior management.

The black-and-white manager

He just doesn't get it -- either because he has the IQ of an eraser or he is as concrete as they come. He doesn't understand context, nuance, or high-level ideas.

If his problem is intellectual deficiency, indulge him like a misguided child. Better yet, ignore him if you can. But if the problem is one of cognitive style, shape your communications to his needs. If he is fact-oriented, don't waste your time painting compelling arguments based on ideas. Simply state the facts and provide information unembellished.

The obsessive micro-manager

She trusts you the way you'd trust a five-year-old behind the wheel of the car. No matter how much detail you give her, or how many times you do redo a piece of work, it's still not right. You're completely demotivated and have lost your sense of competence.

Why is she so untrusting? Is she anxious about failing to please her boss, or is she simply a control freak? If the problem is her own insecurity, anticipate issues that will make her anxious by reassuring her that you have covered all the bases. Say, for example, "in completing this I spoke to Jane Doe and took the following issues into account . . ." Write it down as well, as she may be too anxious to fully process what you are saying.

The invisible manager

You have no one to go to for direction. She doesn't have a clue about the volume or pace of your work. You're killing yourself, but no one notices or gives you feedback.

This manager shares many of the underlying motivations of the weak manager. She may be invisible because she's too busy, or is a reluctant or unskilled manager.

If she is pressed for time, do your homework before you meet with her to make the meeting as efficient as possible. Be strategic on issues where you need support. Give yourself direction and feedback by setting milestones and regularly evaluating your effectiveness against them. Thank yourself for a job well done. Establish a mechanism for getting direction, whether it be weekly or monthly meetings at an agreed time. Hold her to her commitment

The task master

He doesn't have a life, and doesn't expect you to either. You're drowning in work but he keeps heaping on more. His time-lines are ridiculous. Sometimes an extremely task-focused manager is simply shy or preoccupied, or so focused on getting the work done that he's not aware of the impact of his behaviour on the people around him. Is he aware of your work load?

If you've talked to him and he still doesn't get it, create your own standards for evaluating what is realistic and doable. Don't be apologetic about wanting time for a personal life. Work-life balance is your right, not a privilege. If your organization wants to "be an employer of choice" remind your boss of the incongruity between policy and behaviour.

The nasty manager

She's ruthless. She seems to take pleasure in watching you squirm. She has pets and you are not one of them.

Sometimes an apparently nasty boss is simply so task-focused that she is oblivious to how her behaviour makes you feel. Underneath a gruff exterior, as the saying goes, may be the heart of a pussycat. When you confront her, does she apologize, or get mad?

Regardless of what type of boss you have, your first line of defense is to speak to him, as he may not be aware of his behaviour. Don't make sweeping generalizations about his personality. Rather, talk to the specific behaviour in question and tell him how it makes you feel. You can soften your comments and avoid defensiveness by allowing your boss to save face. Introduce your statements with "You may not be aware . . ." or "You may not realize . . ." or "You may not intend . . ."

If none of these strategies work, you have two choices. If you have good personal reasons for staying in your job -- you love your work, you're learning a lot, you like the people you're working with -- you can hold your nose and ignore your boss as best you can. Or, you can quit: life is too short too deal with this kind of abuse.

Dr. Barbara Moses is the best-selling author of What Next? The Complete Guide to Taking Control of Your Working Life, an international speaker and work issues expert.

P.S.

2006-07-06T15:53:00.000-04:00

Thank you for your comments. They bring me back to life.

FOUL

2006-07-06T10:15:00.000-04:00

Disgust. Utter overflowing disgust. I can't begin to express the foulness of this feeling. And it seems like I'll be pulled under the reprehensible blanket incompetence too if I continue here. In the departement. In this school? I mean, this stuff is important! In many cases crucial to people lives! Their degrees their money. $20,000 a year is no joke. I'd want to know that the people billing me had a clue. I'd want to know the people totalling up my credits could count. Ok I'm exaggerating, or, am I? I want someone who gives a shit! I want someone who's intelligent enough to see there are problems even if they don't yet know how to fix them. I WANT TRAINING!!!! I'm a hard worker who gives a damm and will go to great lengths to see a job well done. But it's irrelevant if I'm told to do things that require information that is not given. If I ask basic questions, her face goes red, her voice rises and she angrily repeats again again things quite unrelated. Why? Why?! Is she crazy? Is she stupid? Is she... defensive because she doesn't know either? Does she just not know how to communicate? Listen to and respond? Interpret verbal dialogue? What can it be? Regardless, I am NOT the Registrar! So how is it that she's demanding a sign important verficiation documents and use the college seal? I don't even have a title for goodness sake! I don't even have an offical job yet! After all of these months, actually a year now I'm still in limbo. Here but not here. Employed but barely an employee. Expected to know everything but virtually untaught. These poor students. Ultimately they're the ones who suffer. And they're the ones we're supposed to be here for. Where are they left? Glossed over and considered inconveniences by overtaxed, frustrated workers. Oh, I am tired.

In a Fog

2006-07-06T08:46:00.000-04:00

Haven't been too aware of myself. What's happening around me. Where I ought to be or where I am. Trying to protect myself I think. From getting to overwhelmed. Blogging would likely increase the consciousness which may be (unconsciously) why I've avoided it. To erupting from the haze may be prickly. Can I handle that? I may be teetering with depression. When I think about the amount of crying it seems like it. Thank goodness I finally have health insurance and finally (finally!) I plan to make some appointments - with a therapist, dentist, doctor about what seemed like a sudden case of wicked carpel tunnel that developed without warning after precariously positioned at a counter and attemping to type all day with hands by my shoulders at work. Damm her! The current "boss" is just beyond words. But if I DID have words, I might say, PASSIVE AGRESSIVE, INEPTITUDE, DUPLICITOUS, UNPROFESSIONAL and a strong resemblance to a circus clown. Of course saying all of that would require negativty which I'm trying so hard to avoid. But its hard. So hard. I'm being sued by two separate creditors making outrageous inflamed claims regarding debts TWELVE YEARS OLD. Can they do that? I don't know? Can they win? I don't know. I'm overwhelmed by my lack of empowerment. I need information, knowledge and help but lack the resources to get it. I need a lawyer. But the cutie says they're $400 an hour which is far beyond my reach. And so I'm left to my own wavering devices. Blindly negotiating a system I don't understand. Clumsily filing court papers that I can't read.

And back to work.

The boss arrived.

Just Tired.

2006-06-18T10:42:00.000-04:00

I haven't been posting because I don't like hearing my own negativity. It embarrases me. I'm supposed to be an optimist. The one the makes you feel better. That comforts. That makes you laugh. So who's words are these in my head?

It's not that bad.

2006-05-23T11:18:00.000-04:00

Really.

I'm ok.

I'm usually happy.

The work situation has been unreal though. The past months frustrations are too big to want to retell.

I'm so happy to get your comments!

I can't believe you're stickin around!

Now THAT makes me happy.

Where to start?

2006-05-21T11:16:00.000-04:00

I've been swept away - haven't read or blogged in countless weeks. Absorbed in ~no not absorbed~ lost in ~ work then rushing home to escape it though my fantasy WOW world until finally falling into unconscious sleep. Rewind. Begin again. Day after day. Just trying to get by. Survive. Flourishing is not even on the radar. One day at a time. Mindless and numb. Trying my best to contain the rage.

I think I'm a sellout

2006-05-06T12:37:00.000-04:00

And/or have no self-respect. Obviously. Otherwise why would I accept this treatment? Because I "need" a job. Even if it's barely a job. A sympathy job, as it is. Not good enough to be officially hired but not bad enough to be fired. So instead hired and dehired hired and dehired and all-the-time hanging on by a thread. Scrutinzed and judged. Dancing and prancing and putting on a show. Trying to be liked enough to stay. Valued. When will it end? 8 months and still in limbo.

zoinks

2006-04-11T13:30:00.000-04:00

Just reread that post - so many typos! I'll fix it when I get home....

(I'm in the college computer center posting from my email.)

My eyelids weigh a thousand pounds

2006-04-11T13:28:00.000-04:00

and I'm only half way through the day. This job can be taxing. Lines and lines of students out the door - mostly perplexed and frustrated and often ready aggressively launch into accusations and demands. For the past week I've been virtually on my own to field the complaints, tuition payments, billing questions, transcript orders, and releasing holds for registration. This feels like some kind of feat considering I've pretty much had to figure all of the mentioned by myself is stressful alone. Also, I've had to work long hours - way past my official end time of 4:30 since certain functions - most especially reconciling and closing the day must be done every night. Thus far, that has meant if the lines of student waiting 45 minutes + to see me happens to still be there at 4:30, I don't even BEGIN the reconciling process until the time I'm supposed to go home - meaning I don't get home for another several hours ~ unpaid. And, technically, I'm still a temp! When I remind myself of that - it blows my mind that a process as important as the Fall registration was virtually left to a temp!

Yesterday, I had yet ANOTHER interview, (for the job that I'm already working.) If you've been counting, that makes 3 now for this school. One with the President for the Exec Assist job (which I got), 2 for the that same job (which I then didn't get), and 3 for this now replacement job (that I've been working at.) Um. Does that seem outrageous to you too?

::sigh::

The HR Director was sure to mention at the end that I do not have the job yet as he is considering all of the application, but he thanks me for my help during this busy time.

:::blank stare:::

I don't even want to CONSIDER them not offering this too me at this point. I would sue. I would scream. I would file complaints. I don't know what the hell I would do except be utterly sick.

Some Progress! Finally!

2006-04-09T11:37:00.000-04:00

The wonders of work.

I don't care what job it is, it just feels so much better to have a full-time job. If only "temp," (though it appears not for long) waking up every day, busting my butt, and getting a friggin paycheck is such a relief. I feel better about myself. I have more of a sense of security. And my god, actually am feeling some optimism.

Taking Requests

2006-03-17T14:48:00.000-05:00

If I was to take photographs of things around me, what (if anything) would you like to see? =)

Email to Old Buddy From Highschool

2006-03-17T14:11:00.000-05:00

Haven't really re-launched the job search yet ~ dragging my feet I suppose. I find it discouraging to spend such great efforts seeking something I actually don't even want (being some self-important a-hole's peon - invaluable though invisible - if not overlooked then snubbed.) But forced to do it because what else am I qualified for? On the other hand, I've seen ads for Exec Assistants in Manhatten that pay up to 90,000 bucks a year. Jeez - that's more than allot of respectable careers. Anyway, I sucked it up and accepted the conciliatory temp position at the college as an "Assistant Director of Registration/Bursar" after they posted (and gave away) the job they had (informally) given me months ago. The school recently hired a new HR director and I think he intervened after he realized that they (The President) had not formally opened the position up to the public. Thus they began interviewing and booted me out - despite my having worked my butt off for him for months. It was such a shock since I've already been listed in their campus directory with the title, been given a staff ID, etc - I suppose its for the best though - I'm less likely now to become complacent and stay somewhere I clearly should not be. (Though intelligent and sometimes thoughtful, the blustery, impatient President has regular tantrums and is known to make even VP's cry.) (Did I already tell you of this? I can't remember - sorry if I did.) I would at least appreciated some sort of acknowledgment that they fucked up, let alone an apology. Effers.

Anyway, your assessment of easterners is funny. It definitely hits home. This is my third attempt at working since moving to NY and each experience has been as equally dismaying. The first one lasted a couple months. The guy I worked for owned a construction business and it was mainly just he and I in the office. I liked the independence/freedom since I was often alone, but dreaded his reappearance because he'd curse like a madman and belittle me (without reason - not that it matters.) When he began throwing things (his stapler, the phone) and smashing them against the walls, I left a note, my keys, some other applicants' resumes for his future reference and hightailed it home. I didn't hear from him again.

The next job was down the street from where I live working for an eye doctor. I was stoked because I thought it would be so inspiring to work for a woman. My fantasies of empowerment quickly withered the first day when I noticed tension in the office so thick it was palpable. Saving you the gory details, she was crazynuts. Nasty, condescending - a wicked micro-manager. I saw her humiliate her staff (AND patients) so many times that it blew my mind - and every week I told myself I could avoid any deleterious long-term impact and ought to stick it out for the paycheck - but - I could see that overtime, my already tenuous, flagellated self-esteem would inevitably erode into dust like all the other mites trapped there.

So - ?! Is this a NY thing - or what?! Sure does lead one to rethink Seattle a bit - rain and all.

Yes, I guess WOW is considered a role-playing game. There are stories/plots/missions- different classes/races, professions. It can be really quite complicated actually. The detail of the programming leaves me continually awed. The gorgeous graphics alone are incredible. It really is like being immersed into another world. So, when are you going to start playing? I told The Cutie that I could see you getting into it and that I think you'd be a great recruit. He was psyched. (He's always looking for steady (smart) teammates that he can rely on.) =)

I'm mainly playing an Undead Warlock. It's nifty, I cast spells, can summon people and have little demon pets that follow me around.... (I am, in fact, aware of just exactly how retarded I sound.) But you asked! hahahahaha

Besides that? For fun? Not too much. There are so many restrictions on my (our) lives mainly because of The Cutie's health problems. So, just trying to make do with what we have. Hopefully he'll feel better some time soon in the future. Oh, I did start dropping by an O class in the city. Haven't gone for a few weeks - but I was pretty enthused for the chance to continue dancing... I spent about a month in xx a year ago with xx but haven't danced since.... Oh and blogging I guess. I do try to blog whenever possible.

And how about you?

What do you do for fun?

How's Seattle life?

How's your family?

Seakitty's Comment

2006-03-17T14:00:00.000-05:00

1 Comment

SeaKitty said...

it was just this morning. i was lying in bed and realizing that i'm a lot of things i always wanted to be.

i told walter the story about how i'd crashed my aunt's new red convertible (the one she'd "always wanted"). and how she never got angry with me. she never yelled. she never really seemed upset.

and how i was so afraid my mom and step dad would find out. how i'd be hung. oh the yelling i was in for.

and right then and there, i decided i wanted to be like D Aunt.

she said all that was really important was that i wasn't hurt. nobody was hurt.

and that she didn't yell, because there was no use getting upset over it. what good would it do?

she showed me how to make priorities. how to put the big things in perspective. how to realize that not everything is a CRISIS.

my mother thought dirty dishes were a crisis. anything that caused her "stress" was a crisis. and whoever was in the room was worthy of her stress relief.

i decided not to be like this.

and last night i realized i think i've fully achieve this. i'm really much more like D aunt than my mom in this respect, though it's taken conscious decision making and effort.

but i'm willing to bet...you're all those things you "want to be". i bet every choice you've made over the years was guided by these wishes of yours.

i bet you've already fulfilled everyone of those criteria you've laid out for yourself.

i realized it reading you.

but what makes the difference is you realizing it.

I sucked it up and

2006-03-16T16:56:00.000-05:00

took the temp job today. Thank-Seakitty for the invaluable comments! The second one was a doozy. I woke up this morning thinking about it. I'll continue to think about it.

Today I don't feel desparately unhappy. I'm such a sensitve person. No wonder I've gravitated towards food to fill the frightening voids. Trying not to do that forces me to sit in my feelings. And that's hard.

I'm glad I'll have an income, at least for a couple weeks. And full-time too which is more than I've had for months. I can breathe now - allbeit just for a moment.

Even bought the cutie a fancy hot/cold contraption for his back/shoulder. And some special creme for his feet. Its funny how 2 weeks of potential work can make one feel suddenly rich.

Oh and did I say "thanks" Seakitty?

Thanks!!!!

It's funny what an important role your comments play.

For the Cutie (Because otherwise I wouldn't care)

2006-03-15T19:21:00.000-05:00

I did the dishes, 6 loads of laundry, took the trash out, washed the dog after The Cutie scared her and she peed on herself (again), cleaned her crate, and a little straightening. Every step was a struggle but I did it for the Cutie. He's been taciturn and introverted all day. I think he's in allot of pain. He snapped at me on his way out the door to the chiropractor leaving me feeling fully deflated and hurt all of these hours later.

Life can be so hard. (I know, my life is easy compared to most.)

But I just don't know if I have the consitution for it. Every thing seems to hurt. So, fucking, deeply.

I can't help but wonder if its worth it.

Do I take the temporary job?

2006-03-15T14:00:00.000-05:00

Some Pros and Cons:

- I'm angry & humiliated: I was introduced as his new "Executive Assistant" for the last few months: then suddenly I show up in another department?! AND have to APPLY for the new position?!

+ I need a job

+ It will pay the same amount (which is a rate I'm happy with)

- But only in the "TRANSITIONAL" period anyway - so what the fuck is that?

- I'd feel like I was giving in. Losing face. My dignity.

+ Who cares - its just a friggin job. Do I really think anyone really notices where me - let alone cares?

+Besides, its irrelevant what "people" think and realistically should have no bearing on this decision

- This position holds zero appeal to me. Independently I would have NEVER applied for it as it sounds dull, tedious, boring and stressful. Also, the department is an absolute disaster: understaffed and poorly run. I'd be dealing with livid students/parents/alum on a daily basis who have good reasons to be frustrated.

- Why go to all of the stress and frustration of learning a whole new job that a) I don't want and b) I may ultimately still not get?!?!?!

+I can accept it while looking for something else

-Send a message that you can't treat people like this by rejecting the new quasi "offer." If you accept the position, you assuage their sense of guilt (if any) and placate their rationalizing that they "did their part"

+Do they really give a shit either way? Very likely not.

- Could I sue them for real? Would accepting this "offer" lessen the credibility of such a case?

+ I doubt I could win such a thing and most especially lack the resources.

Help! What would you do? I need your suggestions.

I called the H.R. Director

2006-03-15T13:58:00.000-05:00

and said basically all of the things we discussed, and although he didn't necessarily address my concerns: (that an agreement was violated, that I left a job for that agreement, that it has been a financial hardship to work only 2 days a week during this now unhonored "transitional phase") he nonetheless was nice and seemed genuinely sympathetic. He said that The President & his assistant ( my coworker who raved about me daily and referred to me
as "perfect" and herself as my biggest advocate) "had only good things to say" about me and just decided to hire someone else because they had more extensive experience in the same sort of position. He added that it was his idea to offer this other position because "once you find a good person you want to keep them" and that it will pay exactly the same amount in the
"transition" and he will find out (by my request) how much it will pay after. He suggested I at least try it out before deciding. Maybe it would end up a better position; "Assistant Director of Student Accounts" I don't know what I should do really, but I do feel very relieved that I've at least spoken up a bit. I said clearly that I was upset about the situation and uncomfortable
with how it happened. He said he appreciated my candor which may have been a line, but did sound pretty convincingly sincere which was nice. He also made a point to remind me that he was new and that most of this took place before he began at the college. Before calling I was shaking so bad and so nervous that I had to write myself notes about what I wanted to say, because I though I might blank out. So, calling was in some small way an accomplishment.
I'm supposed to call him tomorrow and tell him my decision. Now if I could only sue them and get a GIANT SETTLEMENT and most especially an apology I'd be GREAT!

hahaha

When I stand I swoon

2006-03-13T17:29:00.000-05:00

and am inexplicably dizzy. Like being drunk without the alcohol. Yesterday I felt a rushing presence in my ears all day. I think I'm making this shit up because I have nothing better to do. Our kitchen is overflowing with garbage and cans and there's a pile of laundry as high as I am in the halkwat. I feel guilty for not doing cleaning up and yet I feel too much like shit to do it. I don't want The Cutie to be mad at me. In fact, he may be my biggest concern in regard to getting rejected by The President. I'm so scared that he may begin to believe I'm as worthless as I worry that I am. Afterall, the only me he knows is the crazy picture painted by blogging and then the barely employed cry-baby that I've been since having moved to New York. I want to be someone better. Someone he'll be proud of. I want to be the kickass wonder that I know I should.

Tired

2006-03-13T17:02:00.000-05:00

but still laughing.

Trying to hold onto the person I thought I'd be.

Fearful of giving in.